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Sad Bisexual needing advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by WinnieLucy, Nov 6, 2020.

  1. WinnieLucy

    Regular Member

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    Hey everyone,
    Looking for advice on how to get over someone that you’ve really, really liked for the past 21 months. Long story short; met her at uni, became really good friends with her, less than a month after meeting her I realised I had feelings for her, 8/9 months after meeting her I came out to her as Bi, (before I came out to the rest of my friends, as I had suspicion that maybe she wasn’t entirely straight and was closeted. Thought that if I came out to her first in private maybe that would open a safe path for her to open up if she was in fact not straight.) she’s cool with it, so are all the rest of our friend who I told shortly after. A year after coming out as bi, (21 months since I met her) I finally think it’s time to let it be known that I do in fact like her. Was getting mixed signals for a long time as to whether or not she might be queer too. We got high together one random night and at the end I asked if she was straight, but my scared AF ass kinda blanked out during that moment (I do that when I’m incredibly nervous Lmao) and can’t really recall perfectly her responce. It was like a shoulder shrug and “yeahhhhhhhh” (but in a confused tone, not a convincing one.) I think anyway...as I said when I’m that nervous about something I find it hard to focus on the events in that moment and I just blank out when recalling the memory. But anyway...even if she was straight I wanted to somehow let her know that yes, I do in fact like her. So I did that in a letter where i significantly downplayed my feelings. Just to make it a little more comfortable for her when she finds this info out, I said that yes I liked her, have liked her for a while but as she is a good friend of mine I’ve decided it’s not worth me risking anything. So i said that I’ve worked hard to shut everything down and that any feelings there are pretty much gone (bit of a lie, I’m getting a little better over time but still tricky to get over her), and as a final step I wanted to hear directly from her that she’s %100 straight, and that I’d never have a shot with her anyway. She did that, said it was all chill but still a little weird for her which I totally understand. We’ve gone our separate ways over summer and won’t see each other for a while. I think the time and distance might help ease the whole situation but I’m finding that I struggle to explore or pursue anyone else in the meantime when I’ve had her in my head for so long, I’m just struggling to be interested in anyone else because I was/am interested in her. I also feel shit about really downplaying my feelings and not being true to myself entirely, even though I know it was probably a good idea considering that in the end she is straight, so I didn’t freak her out more with the depth of my actual feelings. And I also feel some regret now about being out to all my friends, as most of the time I’m into guys, and wouldn’t have even said anything if I didn’t like this girl, and the only reason I came out to the rest of my friends was because after I told his girl first, she mentioned she felt a little weird being the only one who knew at the time.

    Anyone got any advice? Mind tricks? Strategies? Ways that they moved on from an unrequited interest? Or even tell your own story if you’ve been in a similar situation! Would appreciate any advice or opinions on how I handled the situation haha.

    Cheers
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    It takes time. Bury yourself in something that you care about like a hobby or helping others. Your profile does not mention your age but you do mention university so you must be old enough to get out and do things. Volunteer work has always helped me get outside of myself. For me the situation was slightly different, I was interested in someone who was out as bisexual and I even felt that she had been flirting with me. I had misread the situation though and she was not interested in a relationship (not just with me but with anyone). It hurt and messed up our friendship for a while but I have moved on and we are still in touch.

    It is not a problem to be bi and mostly into one or the other. The label I use is panromantic but I am far more attracted to women than I am to men, though at this time I am now in a relationship with a cis man.
     
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  3. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry that your feelings were unrequited. It's hard enough to put yourself out there for anyone you like, but it must be harder when it's same-sex attraction and you don't know how they'll react to it. I hope if you do see each other again, things will be okay; whether by maintaining the friendship or finding peace in moving on completely.

    I've dealt with my share of unrequited feelings. Most weren't too big of a deal, crushes I got over pretty quick as soon as I realized it would never go anywhere (with short grieving periods), but I've definitely dealt with one that really, really hurt me for a long time. I was not in a good headspace because of it, and when I got better, this person came back around and their actions (and the prompting of others) gave me all kinds of mixed signals.

    I don't have any great wisdom to share. I think it's something that comes down to the person, as we all deal with these things in our own ways. But I think a mix of hobbies, exploring new interests, and time will heal this particular wound. Time, especially. Don't force yourself to seek anyone else out; let yourself go through the grieving process over this girl first, and above all, take care of you. Know that you are deserving of love, that you will find someone who returns your feelings, guy or girl, and that in the meantime, you can take all the time you need to put yourself first.
     
  4. femgineer

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    Hi WinnieLucy! I unfortunately don't have a ton of advice; I'm actually currently going through something incredibly similar, but I did want to at least let you know that you are not alone in this, and to say that I'm sorry you went through some tough mental stuff because of this situation. I know how hard it can be, but try to take care of yourself and your feelings as much as you can in addition to being sensitive to your friend. I know it is tricky to find that balance, but it's also not fair to yourself to have to keep your feelings locked up inside. Maybe try to find something that's comfortable for you- like talking to a close friend who doesn't know her about it, writing a real letter just for yourself where you express your true feelings, whatever you think might work. In the meantime, other people here have suggested great ways to focus on yourself and getting over her, and if you haven't I would maybe suggest not talking or communicating for a while if you think that would help, as a way to finally grieve and put the relationship to rest. And also final note, it doesn't seem ok that she sort of pressured you to come out to other people- you do you at your own pace. All the best to you. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Lucy Marie

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    OMGosh, I just typed a whole big thing. And I never articulate as well the second time. Maybe it is in cyber space and it will help someone.

    i am going to try and hit high points:
    ((momhugs))
    heartbreak is universal. we all suffer from it. do not rush through the process. advice is great, but ultimately you have to get past it on your own. I know it hurts and by no means am I minimizing your pain. this experience will give you one of the building blocks of adulthood.

    I said much more. I am long winded....and that won’t change, so if you need more please contact me. I am sorry my advice did not get through. You can do this.

    I love your user name.
    ((momhugs))