sad, angry, trapped, losing my mind

Hi Taxodium:

Perhaps the first step is not leaving but creating a support system for yourself, including seeing a mental health professional. When you're paralyzed by depression and anxiety even small goals can seem completely unreachable and leaving a marriage is no small goal. Having your depression assessed and treated can go a long way toward helping you make clear, useful decisions for yourself.

 

Hey TAXODIUM,

The main thing that you 'owe' to both you and your 'wife' is honesty. Just being 'you.' You're not a coward, you are extremely concerned for the family and you don't want to 'ruin' things for the rest of the family. But, you know what? By not being able to be who you really are, you are already, inadvertently 'ruining' things. Maybe not outwardly to your friends and relations. Maybe not economically (which is ALWAYS an important consideration). But what about emotionally? And what about your 'right' to just be 'you'? She doesn't 'own' you. Your marriage was always supposed to be about two equal partners living a mutually-agreed upon life.

Clearly you are feeling suicidal. I understand that. What I would like to point out is that suicide (or self-destruction, however you choose to call it) is, ultimately very selfish. You had a LOT to live for and a LOT of reasons to start doing things in your own best interests. From my perspective, WHEN you start to live your life for 'you', you will also be much more emotionally available to your family (which should also improves their lives, right? - After all, if they see you happy, shouldn't they also take joy in that?). Self-destruction is not an answer. It's a coward's way out because it doesn't resolve anything. It simply ends your own personal pain/torture.

From what I see in your post, you are throwing all sorts of guilt on yourself. I would argue that pretty much ALL of that 'guilt' should be laid at the doorstep of your society/culture. Take some time to break down the guilt that you are feeling with the intentions/thoughts you had when you took actions that led you to your current situation. Were you 'pushed' into situations that you didn't really want? Did you 'have' to accept societal 'rules' that you don't believe in?

From my outside perspective, your wife is being very self-centered by trying to deny who you really are. Of course, she is most likely looking at this from a perspective of an uncertain future, which undoubtedly scares her (as it would anyone). So, I would ask: How much penance is enough? How long do YOU have to continue to suffer by hiding your nature in order to simply 'conform'? You are the only one that can answer that, of course. It's your life.

So, I would suggest therapy (with a therapist of your choice whom you find by doing research to find someone familiar with mixed-orientation marriages).

My 2cents.

 

It's never too late.

You do not "deserve to be sad, miserable, unfulfilled and to never self-actualize".

You know what you should do.

When are you going to do it?

 

We live according to a game, it's a game we don't even know we are playing and it has been going on for generations. It goes like this: in this society, the only acceptable behaviour is for you to do what your parents, friends, bosses, priests, rabbis, imams, husbands and wives, etc. want, while pretending that you want it for yourself.

Things like: "I'm your wife/husband, you must love me", "Love thy God", "Love thy neighbour" etc., etc....all of this is to live with a fundamental contradiction, which is between your nature and what is expected of you.

The necessary risk, and it is no small risk, is to stop playing the game.

 

"The Game" that greatwhale references is, in my opinion, an artifact of our society and not necessarily something that is intended.

When he says:

what is the point? I'm not challenging him directly. In fact, I hold great esteem for greatwhale! I'm just trying to reconcile reality versus rhetoric.

 

I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I feel your pain reading your post and I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. I had a few weeks of feeling incredibly tortured myself, on the brink of insanity. It was always the worst when my husband was in denial of things still being "an issue" for me, and he pretended Iike we would be fine. I knew things were not fine and I was not straight but I felt paralyzed unable to do anything. The pain from anxiety and depression is real. Things got better once my husband rode the ride with me. Once he took some of the pain and began his own journey of acceptance.

You cannot stay in the limbo state forever- it is miserable. There IS hope and happiness for both you and your wife at the end of your path. If it is not together, then it is in both of your best interests to start the path of finding your separate ways. I am not there yet, but my husband and I both feel stronger on the days that we accept we are done and begin to process the likely reality of different lives.

Know that everything will be okay. This is the sucky pits of it all. I feel tremendously better compared to those dark weeks just through therapy, writing, and communicating with my husband. I also was on medication for a few of those bad weeks. Don't be afraid to seek out help. None of this is easy. But hold onto hope that things will get better. Stay strong and true to yourself.

 

The way to step out of the game is to realize that it is a game...

 

Taxodium,

Let me speak from a different perspective. I am the wife who fell apart when my husband left me for a man. I am, in many ways, your wife. I did not want to let him go. I did not want him to be gay. He did not want to be gay, either. He felt he owed me because he "created" this situation by promising to love me forever and suppressing his sexuality.

I fell apart - I really did. My heart was shattered. I could have easily ended up in a mental health facility, but I've had years of experience with depression and was already in the process of dealing with it when he came out. I had something to cling to - I already had plans to get help. I don't know if you have kids; I do, and my kids have always been my anchor, through nearly continuous suicidal ideation when I would stop my treatment.

You're not responsible for her mental health; she is. As a friend, as someone who loves her, you can encourage her to get help, but you cannot be responsible for her. And if you're not caring for your own mental health, how can you care for or even encourage another? Is she concerned that you may end up in a mental health facility due to this situation?

My husband came out to me 2.5 years ago. He was involved with his partner at this time three years ago, I just was not included in that knowledge. He moved out in February 2015. It's been a long, hard road. I got involved in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. I lost my family of origin. I gave him custody of our kids for a year. I almost became voluntarily homeless. And he was not and is not responsible for any of that. If your wife goes through similar struggles, you are not responsible.

By taking responsibility for my mental health, I am no longer in an abusive relationship, we have split custody of our kids, I'm living in a better place, and I'm nurturing the beginning of a much healthier relationship for myself. I am finally, finally starting to thrive. He's still with the partner he had when he left.

When we marry, we do make promises. We all do, and we all think we can keep those promises forever. One thing my husband and I have discussed is that we did stay together until death. We did not physically die in our relationship, but we did emotionally and just the vessels were alive. How important is the vessel, the body, the continued breathing, if the spirit, the actual person is dead? We are both alive again, more than just our bodies.

I hope some of what I said makes sense and is helpful. If nothing else, please recognize that your primary responsibility is to yourself and any minor children you may have. And if you have children, it is so much better for them to see their parents separate and have at least one healthy parent, than to have their parents together and both unhealthy.

Give yourself the gift of love, and realize that disentangling and leaving your marriage is actually an act of love toward your wife, too. She may not realize it, but you will be giving her back her life.

All my best, and my thoughts are with you.

 

Hey listen,

Lots of us have been in similar positions as you on this incredibly hard journey. My heart goes out to you.

You will NOT ruin lives. YOU are not in charge of someone else's happiness or well being, just your own.

Last year, when I knew my marriage most likely wouldn't last and I could not get thoughts about my trigger crush out of my head, I too started thinking the world would be better off without me. My kids would be better off. BUT NO!! I got help. I made changes. It will get better.

Please keep posting here.

Know that you are not alone.

All the best.

 

So well thought out and so well written.
You are the sweetest wife that every gay man should do everything in his power to NOT marry because you don't deserve that pain and frustration in your own life.
I wish you the very best in everything you do.

 

You've taken your situation and created a particular story of doom and gloom about it. The situation may be difficult but the parts do not add up to the catastrophic situation you have created in your imagination. For one, there are some no doubt some good things about the situation that you should take time to think about. Second, you're not trapped since marriage is not enforced servitude (although it can sometimes feel like that), and there are options in any situation that come with certain costs. Third, it's natural to have all of the emotions you're feeling in these situations but emotions are not truths; they are involuntary reactions that can be consciously fed by certain ways thinking such as taking on responsibilities that is not yours and not balancing negative feelings with self-compassion. Were I you I would let the emotions run their course, start thinking about options and what the future may look like and then gathering information as to how to move toward that future (e.g., talking to a divorce lawyer). I hope that helps.