Greetings Everyone, I'm Phoenix90 from India. I came to EC around 3 years ago, a very different person - confused about his orientation and completely closeted. I got some good support from members and staff alike on EC and due to external circumstances stopped being active on the forum. This is my coming out story - 2006/2007 I suffered a lot of mental anguish, bullying and abuse at college due to my effeminate ways. I resorted to physical harm. When my parents confronted me, I tried coming out to them. They said my thoughts were unnatural and stuck me in a psychiatric hospital for a week. The doctor there threatened to stick me with the more unhinged patients if I didn't get the 'unnatural thoughts' out of my head. With fear for my life, I lied that I was normal and got out. My mistake was I thought my parents would never understand and I entered the closet, lying to them that I was normal whenever they asked. Dec 2016/Jan 2017/Feb 2017 I tried coming out to my twin sister. We shared a lot of things all our lives, I hardly kept anything from her. She reacted badly and said I was being selfish, thinking about myself instead of everyone else. Me being gay would tear our family apart. I was heartbroken. I don't think my sister and I have been close since. July 2017 I came into contact with an external group called 'Human Library'. It is an organization with people who volunteer. I won't be going too deep into it as it isn't relevant to my story. I met great people there, most important Open Minded ones. I didn't come out to them though, since I was wary of people and had social anxiety due to my years of solitude and being an introvert. Sept - Oct 2017 As I spent 2 Sundays a month with the same group and met more and more open-minded people there, I slowly started letting go of my inhibitions and came out to a few of them. They were very kind and supportive, though they were all straight. They encouraged me to explore and find my comfortable place in the queer community, though no one there knew if such existed in my city. Dec 2017 - Jan 2018 We hung out more and more and I found myself. I publicly (among them) announced I was Gay and I was comfortable with the idea. My parents still didn't know these people were that open-minded and didn't know I came out to them. I was still closeted to my parents. This was also when I decided to start online dating. The courage I got from this allowed me to come out to my family physician. She's US-educated and broad-minded. She understood and said she will stand by me if necessary when I decide to come out to my parents. That's the first time I openly cried in front of another adult (apart from my parents) Mar 2018 I finally met a few Queer people and had multiple interactions with them over a period of a few days when all of us went on a trip to another city. 2 of them were Gay, 1 was a lesbian, 1 bi-sexual, 1 demi-sexual/agender and 1 was still discovering themself. This was the most I've ever let my real self out in a long time. It was also around this time I re-connected with an old college friend I met online. He turned out to be gay too and we hung out even more. Lucky for me, he dated for over 3 years, so he taught me the right and the wrong and the nuances of online dating. July 2018 My parents read a few conversations I had with my friends on my phone and got to know I like men. They rushed to my family physician and had a conversation with her since they were confused. They conveniently forgot I tried to come out to them 12 years ago. My family physician sent me a message asking me to come meet her before I go home. I met her and she confirmed my worst fears. I was laughing and crying at the same time. Laughing that my burden was finally gone. Crying because this wasn't the way I wanted to come out to my parents. I went home and came out to my parents. My father was livid. He insisted I get the 'dirty thoughts' out of my head. My mother cried for an hour saying 'she must've raised me wrong'. The more heart-breaking part was that they didn't believe I carried anguish and mental agony within me for those 12 years I was in the closet. They felt somebody must've 'brainwashed' or 'turned' or 'influenced' me just a month or two ago. Nothing I said was good enough for them. They want a daughter-in-law, a grand-kid of or two of the same blood and respect in the society. 3 things I said I couldn't give them. 'Adopting a kid' was called useless. 'Surrogacy' was labelled nonsense. They were talking hormone therapy and conversion therapy coupled with counselling. I said I was willing to undergo anything they wanted just to prove it to them that it wouldn't change anything. We fought everyday. Aug 2018 They dragged me to my Uncle for a 3 and a half hour 'Brainwashing' session. My uncle is a very well-respected man, an astrologer, a counsellor, a multiple-PhD holder. I thought I could convince him, at least make him see reason. He manipulated me and I unwittingly admitted my orientation was wrong by societal standards by the end of the night. My parents have since acted more paranoid. They monitor me, check who I'm meeting, check my laptop at all times. They've stuck with me through thick and thin all my life. My dad quit his job recently and is looking for another. My mom doesn't work. So 65% of my monthly salary goes towards paying the bills, groceries and household expenses. I can't move out and live with just 35% of my salary. It's not fair for me to ditch them in their time of need. So I'm stuck. I'm writing all of this since I'm puzzled at what I can do. It's easy to ditch them and live my life. But I love my parents. I live in a culture where-in abandoning parents in considered a sacrilege and a moral sin.
Hey I'll begin straight away by saying that I'm still closeted to my parents so I won't be of much help except that I know Indian parents first hand and how they can somewhat be dealt with. But I don't mean to generalise since families are different everywhere. Your parents seem extremely conservative with very traditional values so I'm afraid you probably won't be able to have them come to terms with your sexuality any time soon. But before any further attempts to reason with them, you should wait for the Supreme Court ruling which will invariably be in our favour. Although 377 isn't the root of homophobia in this country, it's amendment along with the rationale behind the bench's ruling might be able to convince them that it's at least not a treatable disorder that you can change. That's when you can maybe tell them that you didn't really mean what you said at your uncle's. Meanwhile you should be more assertive, since you're basically financially independent and helping out your parents. Them not understanding your sexuality is understandable but to repeatedly invade your privacy and control your life as an adult is unacceptable. I know you're thinking that it's easy for me to preach and it's impossible for you to actually do and you're probably right. Especially since I know how Indian parents don't understand the concepts of personal life and space. But you paying for their expenses does give you leverage and while I'm not suggesting you threaten them, you can perhaps negotiate with them? I'd also suggest that you contact your family physician for help while talking to your parents because we all know how Indians love their doctors! Seriously though, an educated voice might help convince them since there's simply too much evidence in favour of the LGBT to ignore. The Indian Psychiatric Association's statement could help in case they don't trust western publications. You probably won't be able to take any legal action against the doctor who first tried to cure you but you'll at least be able to prove him wrong. And if all of this works out, your parents will be convinced that you're not sick but simply different and unfortunately won't be able to give them the perfect family they'd dreamt of. Then comes the fear of societal exclusion and (I don't know how they say this in telugu) 'लोग क्या कहेंगे'/ 'what will people say'. I hope the third step is reluctant acceptance but who knows, since I've heard some pretty grim stories. But you're lucky to be financially independent and I'm sure your parents won't love you any less after they're more informed about the LGBT community. But there's no reason for an educated, modern Indian like your sister to be homophobic and she's basically accusing you of making the 'choice' to be gay and breaking up your family. But even she should come around when she's more aware after the judgement. And I personally don't hate any of our collectivist cultures for having strong family values and I've got serious issues with any culture that doesn't mind abandoning elderly parents. So I'm weirdly proud of you for supporting your parents despite them being this unreasonable because their ignorance doesn't negate the sacrifices they've made. You'll just have to take it painfully slow if you want your parents on board with your life as a gay man.
First of all, I want to say that I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. You have been wronged so many times. I feel so much pride knowing that you didn’t let the bad things defeat you. Because that’s what I see. I see a man made stronger by things that were meant to weaken him. As for the current situation, I think some time apart might do both sides some good, especially for you. Despite all the love we have for our parents, their conservative views can be toxic sometimes. You mentioned that you met some good open minded friends through the group. Would any of them help you with some temporary living arrangements? Subletting or PG ? Regarding expenses, are you managing the entire household? What about your sister ? If she is unmarried and employed, can she contribute ? Have you considered getting a job abroad ? It will you some space and let you support your family. I loathe to say this but I believe That my parents might start pushing you for your marriage ( coz that’s what is happening here ). Do you have a contingency plan for that ? All I can tell you is to take one day at a time. You will get through it. The good times is just aren’t the corner. And most importantly, you are not alone. Lots of love, V.
