So my therapist told me that if I want to transition, I'd have to do a three month real life test before he could help me move towards HRT, which by itself should probably seem like I am making progress but the idea of going to work while I am not even close to passing as a woman scares me senslessly. Then we ran through some questions and he asks about my disphoria, which I don't have much of as far as I can tell, at least not the obvious and most mentioned sort like hating your body and genitals, or feeling like life is impossible to live with what I've got, which then makes me question if wanting to be a girl, feeling happier seeing myself as a woman, constantly longing for a more feminine body and social status, presentation, if euphoria is enough? In honestly I could probably survive and do well enough in life as a man... But I don't feel any pride or happiness over it. I want to actually live and be happy if that makes sense. Would trying the real life experience actually help get certainty or would the social backlash simply make me feel uncomfortable enough to push it back? Maybe I'm over thinking it.
First, wow that does not really seem fair. I was on hormones for three months prior to living full time. If your profile photo is one of you and is not retouched I do not think that you are doing that badly. Really only you are going to be able to answer this. For me, I am a woman and I needed to live it in order to just survive. I have advised people that if they can be content presenting in their birth assignment that they should. Living as a transitioned person is HARD. I am not sure that I could say that I am proud of being woman, it is just who I am. Also, I do not pursue happiness as happiness is fleeting. I just hope for contentment, which is something I could never have pretending to be male. Either way it would push you towards certainty. Living each day you would both have your own feelings of comfort in being who you see yourself as and you would experience opposition and you would be able to weigh them against each other. I have had opposition and had people misgender me at the beginning and it does hurt but in the end it was worth it. It really helped me that my workplace was supportive, I hope that your therapist will be willing to provide you a letter to ask your workplace for their support (mine did).
He briefly mentioned the idea of potentially doing hormone assisted real life test but it sort of seems like he's against the idea? I don't know. Did a lot change in those three months? That was me some time ago, about three years, unfortunately my facial hair has decided to go on a rampaging growth trend since. Soooo annoying. Thank you for the kind words though. I should update that... So what's weird for me is that i have previously been told by the therapist and once by another way back that they don't think I'm transgender, kinda like taking one of those silly online quiz tests and getting a result saying not trans, and it put me in a very foul mood. Logically being told you're not trans should be a relief as it seems to be a lot of work and putting your body through a lot and the social implications are heavy but instead I was moping depressively today. This was how I felt, negative and unhappy, as long as I considered it something I could never do in the past. I couldn't be a girl and it somehow bugged me? I used to get obsessively stuck in those thoughts often until recently. Worried I might be there for the rest of my life. That makes sense. I suppose things like going out dressed which is scary at first and exciting becomes normal. Being referred to as your correct gender and name and pronouns becomes the usual. It all sort of settles eventually. I just think feeling less stuck is as good as being happier. This negativity is draining. Your work place seems amazing if they are supportive. I kinda don't have hope for mine being supportive or for the therapist giving me a letter but I'll see, maybe I don't give him enough credit. He's done a lot so far.
I gained some weight which gave me the subcutaneous fat that softens appearance and had some breast growth. I was living full time a while before I started hair removal at all and I had a very thick beard. You just shave closely and use a lot of makeup. No therapist should try to tell you who you are, whether that means telling you that you are trans or are not trans. I was going out dressed in public to movies and other things even before I started seeing my therapist, including going to parties that friends threw (I was out to friends before I came out at work, though they were work friends). When I am talking going full time after the 3 months of HRT I mean that I threw out all of my "boy" clothes at that point and was going to work as my true self and did not present male again until after I was shoved back into the closet by someone I was seeing and then living with. Was supportive, I have not worked in over 20 years I am disabled. That workplace was where I originally came out in 1986. If your therapist is not going to help you then they are not doing their job and you need a new one.
I just realized your join date is on my birthday, just a random thing that drew my attention. Okay so a fair amount can change in three months then, enough at least. I can't believe you were already living full time before going on hormones etc, wow. The lots of makeup and shaving is fair. Work with what you've got right? I am sorry, I hope my work place remark didn't step on any toes. Sometimes I wonder if the assessments and opposition the therapist gives me isn't to invite a reaction and see how I take it and handle the situation. After our last session he told me I have a sensitivity and he's worried if I will be able to handle conflict and disagreements with people given that I so easily fall into a depression, like a polite way of saying I should harden/prepare myself first or I'll be walked over and end up in a worse place, and maybe by telling me I am not trans which I handled by instead of fighting over it or asserting my certainty I fall into uncertainty, he is allowing me to see that point for myself? I don't know.
New photo right? I still think you look nice. Also, a big part of presenting convincingly is mannerisms like how you walk, gesture and carry yourself. Working on your voice if it is masculine or your intonation and how you express yourself. (women tend to vary their tone while men tend to be monotone and women use more expressive words - these are of course generalizations) I guess like with a lot of things words are sort of slippery. From what you are saying here I think your definition of full time means presenting as a woman much of the time as I was doing it outside of work. For me once I had come out the genie was out of the bottle so to speak and I was not able to put it back without a lot of force so I was presenting as me whenever I possibly could (actually I was even taking a fashion design class at college as my true self and having to change clothes after work on the way to the college). I was only using the term full time to mean everywhere including work and not presenting male at all, anywhere. "Work with what you've got" is a great life philosophy. Not at all, I was not upset at all I was just making sure that you knew that I was talking about a past employer. As far as is your therapist testing you and such. I do not know, maybe? I just know that my therapist was a whole lot more supportive than yours seems to be (she had actually decided to specialize in gender issues because her girlfriend transitioned to male). Possibly it was because she could see how much I needed it and how fast I needed it. I do know that in many places the RLE is actually required prior to HRT. In the USA things are more variable and things depend a lot on the therapist and how they run things. I hope that you are able to find out who you really are and how you need to live your life. I am also a very sensitive person who falls into depression easily (this is a big part of my Bipolar Type II diagnosis). It does not prevent me from living as a woman, though it is a big driver of why I assiduously avoid social media and such places.
Thank you so much. Yeah it's a newer pic, from just before I cut half my hair off and dyed it black. I sort of regret that now. I've been wondering what gives one away the most if your appearance is convincing enough, and found a similar list, the voice and word choice is defo something I'd like to work on. Oh I got that, I'm still just surprised as I feel too insecure to do so, which makes it hard to understand. Thank you for sharing though. Maybe I should start visiting family and doing basic shopping trips as such and see if how it makes me feel and how it goes. I can do that. Yeah, I'm trying to be more positive and optimistic. Make what I've got do the trick. Thank goodness, I thought I had pushed a button maybe. I suppose each therapist will have their way of doing things, having someone supportive seems like a good idea though, likely feels easier to be open and honest and explore. I should make a point of going to therapy dressed up too next time. If I could find someone, I've heard that informed concent is a thing here too. We don't have to do it this way but to make sure I don't go dropping myself in a situation I can't handle I want the support of a therapist, in case. I'm sure I can find myself, I'm a tough girl most days I have. The same diagnosis. Weird how when you get to the bi-polar part people give you look and when you say type 2 they look lost. Social media can be quite detrimental in any case. Almost as bad as the news. So much negativity. Yuk.
