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Reverse HOCD or bi in denial?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ChromeNerd, Aug 29, 2013.

  1. ChromeNerd

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    I know I like girls and I've liked them my whole life. I just look like an average girl so no one really believes I like girls. When I was twelve I noticed I was getting more attracted to girls, but I wasn't getting any more attracted to guys. I really wanted to be straight and I didn't want anyone to find out my sexuality. When I was fourteen I finally had the courage to come out. Everyone thought I was joking or going through a phase. After I came out I noticed that I was looking at guys more. I started worrying that I was straight after all. A few months later people were willing to believe I was bi, but they still seemed to think I was mostly into guys. Occasionally I get this weird feeling where I feel sexually attracted to random people(who I normally wouldn't be attracted to) and inanimate objects. This never happened before I came out. When I'm not thinking about my sexuality I seem to lose interest in guys. I think I have reverse HOCD, but I might just be in denial of being bi.
     
  2. dzonax

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    im in the same boat as u...i know i liked girls but after my gay drean its all going backvards

    ---------- Post added 29th Aug 2013 at 12:44 PM ----------

    if u wanna talk im here
     
  3. unknown17050

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    HOCD, in itself does not exist; you do indeed coming from alot of your past posts do seem to harbor alot of Sexual Obsessions and other identity issues. If you have any other symptoms of OCD; it is possible that it could be the reason you have alot of obsessions regarding your orientation, but HOCD in it's own right is not an official OCD subject accepted by any medical or therapeutical field member with any credibility in the LGBT community.

    As for your orientation; I think you are possibly Bisexual, but that is something. You worry about your orientation and think about guys is something alot of people suffer but you also must realise that people who identify as Bisexual have exclaimed their feelings as fluxuating; meaning one point they'd want men, and the other; women. There are two things you can do; accept it and weigh it out; or do not go by labels and just live your life.
     
  4. ChromeNerd

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    I do get a lot of other obsessions unrelated to sexuality. I just don't talk about them here. I'm skeptical about me liking guys because I didn't like them before I came out. It seems to me like my "attraction" to guys is more like an OCD obsession. My attraction to guys seems to disappear when I don't think about my sexuality, but I still feel attracted to girls.
     
  5. unknown17050

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    Like I said before; just go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may; try to experiment if necessary.
     
  6. ChromeNerd

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    I don't have anyone to experiment with. Unless you count guys that want to date me(I'm not attracted to them) and a fourteen year old butch lesbian who is hitting on me.
     
  7. unknown17050

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    Why not go for their advancements then (regarding they're serious that is.) If not, that does not mean you cannot experiment at all; find some people who are willing, sometimes you just have to find out yourself, but again, the certainty is within experimentation in my opinion; if you don't want to, that is fine, but if you want to find out for certain, you should try to at least.
     
  8. gravechild

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    I guess I'm lucky, in that my gender concerns took the heat away from my constant "bi guy vs gay guy" concerns, since neither felt right, and it was more like I was trying to fit myself into a box that didn't quite fit.

    When the idea that "you've never identified as a male" came up, it was like a revelation, what many of the gay men describe when "it" becomes obvious to them. That's not to say your situation is the same, but, could looking at guys simply be curiosity or admiration?

    Therapy really helped, and I won't lie: it also took medication and a trip to the hospital after a suicide attempt before things finally started to make sense.
     
  9. ChromeNerd

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    I'm happy that you figured things out. I don't think it's gender issues for me because I've always been pretty feminine. I think part of the reason I don't want to identify as bisexual is because of my femininity. I don't want to be another girl who claims she likes both genders. A lot of people(including me) don't take feminine bisexual girls seriously. Right now my temporary solution is to stay in the closet until I figure things out. Unfortunately this isn't working out for me. For some reason I respect butch/andro bisexuals and bisexual males, but I don't respect the girly girls.
     
    #9 ChromeNerd, Aug 29, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2013
  10. gravechild

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    Well, I wouldn't say I've "figured things out", since self-discovery is a life-long process, though I will say I'm a lot more comfortable and sure of this than I was before. I know I fall somewhere in the trans umbrella, would like to pass at least part-time, and feel more at home with other TG members.

    It's not accepting my sexuality that was an issue, so much as being loved for something I wasn't. Surprisingly, it's not uncommon for transmen and women to identify as gay women and men at first.

    Too bad you're closeted, because you could probably benefit from talking this out with someone supportive. I will say that it's probably not an issue of acceptance alone: it sounds like you've attached a lot of importance on the opinions of others. There's also the issue of respect, and I'd love to dig deep down and figure out why you'd respect butch/andro/male bisexuals, but not girly ones... for myself, I'm turned off by extremes, whether they be masculine or feminine.
     
  11. ChromeNerd

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    A few people know, but I don't want to burden them and show them how unsure I am. My councellor knows about this and I talk to her about it, but she isn't being very helpful about it.
     
  12. sguyc

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    Seriously, once you question your gender its like who cares about fitting in with a sexual orientation group.It becomes trivial almost.
     
  13. ChromeNerd

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    I'm not questioning my gender. I have no reason to believe that I'm genderqueer. I love wearing girly clothing and I would feel so uncomfortable if I had to wear men's clothing.
     
  14. gravechild

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    Sometimes it takes several counselors before finding the right one. Also, there are other options: mentors, volunteers, classmates, LGBT-friendly pastors... no shortage of help out there, you just have to be patient, determined, and knowledgeable.

    That's exactly how it's been for me. Love and sex can wait; I just want to be able to be me and show that to the world, regardless of what might come after. I think it's the expectations I couldn't fulfill as a "man" in my relationships that made me start questioning, but because there's a lot more knowledge on homosexuality out there while little for transgendered issues, that was my first thought.

    Women are great, it's just the thought of penetrating one that gives me shivers.

    It's less about what clothing you wear and more how you see yourself and identify. This isn't always obvious, either: the signs were all around me, yet I made a complete 180 before considering it again. Imagine always feeling detached from the image others have of you, knowing something is missing but not knowing what, exactly.

    Clothing did play a large part for me, though I'm really not into the thought of wearing dresses, especially at this point. Chalked it up to a strange quirk and tried to ignore it. I'll say I feel a lot more at home today than when first joining EC in March.
     
  15. ChromeNerd

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    What signs did you notice?
     
  16. gravechild

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    I'd honestly rather mention this in a private message, but since you don't have sufficient privileges, I'll post it here so others can benefit from it, too:

    -A strong and early interest in gender, transgender, surgery, etc.
    -Feelings of physical and social dysphoria from a young age, including castration fantasies
    -Going back to the "source" on EC -- early threads had a theme of mentioning gender concerns, which I pushed back and thought, "Nah, can't be" at the time
    -Immediately identifying as genderqueer after joining EC, and finding more common ground with transgender members, for reasons I couldn't yet explain
    -Having a hard time seeing myself in a future with either male or female as I am now
    -Becoming extremely anxious for my own well-being reading on statistics on rape, assault, discrimination, rejection, and murder against transwomen, when I was a "bisexual man"
    -Suddenly remembering times I've cross dressed, enjoyed being mistaken for a woman, feeling "excluded" when seen and treated as a guy, hated my body during puberty, watched and mimicked women to some degree, again, for reasons I couldn't explain
    -Constantly feeling out of place around men, whether gay or straight
    -Actually experienced suicidal thoughts immediately after my "revelation", after feeling I was getting nowhere for months
    -It's not enough to be a feminine male; I actually want to be seen and treated as a female, at least part time
    -Identifying more strongly with women than men and avoiding gender-specific usernames; felt nothing for maleness, but identifying as a female was too scary, so chose neutral choices, like "child"
    -Feeling a lot more relieved, comfortable, and confident now than ever before, similar to when many gay members feel when they first realize and accept themselves
     
  17. ChromeNerd

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    - I am interested in transgender issues, but I don't have any body dysphoria. I actually enjoyed going through puberty and seeing my body change.
    - I did have fun dressing up as a guy for Halloween and being treated like a guy.
    - I don't mind being in a lesbian relationship, it's just the heterosexual relationships I have trouble with. I ocassionally get off to imagining myself watching two guys have sex, but it doesn't turn me on being a participant.
    - I don't really have any friends. I have trouble relating to girls so I don't really have any female friends. I don't really have any male friends because most guys seem to develop a crush on me and that makes me feel very awkward since I only want to be friends with them.
     
  18. gravechild

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    It sounds like you might suffer from mild social dysphoria, at least: you take issue with being seen and treated as a female, correct? You have an easier time relating to men, but their attraction gets in the way of that.

    And there is a LOT of grey area when it comes to gender, like sexuality. Not all transgendered individuals identify as transsexual, want to transition, and see themselves living like the opposite sex. There are androgynes, bigenders, cross dressers, drag kings/queens, genderqueers (genderfluid, third gender, agender, etc).

    Just a reminder that sexuality and gender are two different things, and while a few of us are lucky to just KNOW one or the other, a few of us have to discover both. Again, I don't think it would hurt to examine your gender identity at all to get a more "full" picture. The only sure fire sign of being genderqueer, for me, is feeling like you don't fit into the traditional mold of "male" and "female", which I never have, but had no clue what I was experiencing had a name and a definition. Not all experience dysphoria, either.

    Also...

    -That strange feeling when you're turned on by women but also feel envy, like you were robbed of something you should have had
    -Being that creepy guy who peeks into the female section of stores, because it feels so inviting and like "home"
    -Thinking that in another life, hopefully, you'll be reborn as the opposite sex, since, you know, it's impossible in this one
    -Fantasies of being able to change your sex at will, or trading places with that attractive woman who walked past you at the mall
    -Watching females interact and imagining your place in the group, as one of them
    -Moaning about never fitting into specific attire due to the body you were born with
    -Feeling ACCEPTED whenever a girl compliments your eyes, hair, skin, weight, or teeth, but "..." when it comes to male qualities you'd rather didn't exist at all, like facial hair

    GENDERQUEER AND NON-BINARY IDENTITIES - What is “Genderqueer”?
    ^A great introductory resource into the world of non-binary identities
     
  19. ChromeNerd

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    I do feel jealous of guys because they tend to talk about more interesting things than girls do. I have tried hanging out with guys, but most of them hit on me. I know it's not my imagination because other people notice that as well. Most of my interests tend to be "masculine" or gender neutral. One thing I've always enjoyed is fashion. When I was a little girl I even went through a phase where I kept my hair very long and I refused to wear pants. I think I enjoyed being treated like a girl when I was a kid, I just began to dislike it when I hit puberty. I think part of the reason I feel hesitant to identify as bisexual is because I don't want to be treated like a girl. For some reason I see bisexual girls as more feminine than even straight girls.
     
    #19 ChromeNerd, Aug 30, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2013
  20. gravechild

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    Alright, well, since you identify as female, and statistically, your chances of being a bisexual or lesbian woman are probably greater than those of you being transgendered, I'd say the issue revolves around misconceptions over orientation. There are a lot of tomboyish bisexual and lesbian women, but they're still women and see themselves as women, even if others don't.

    Then again, many transmen formerly identified as lesbian or bisexual women.

    We're getting somewhere, though: seeing bisexual women as "girly", not wanting to be hit on by guys, disliking being treated as a girl during puberty... if you don't want to be seen as a girl, what do you want to be seen as? I don't expect you to have the exact answer now, or ever, but I think it's worth looking into, at least.

    Don't treat me like a Woman
    Don't treat me like a man
    Don't treat me like you know me
    Treat me for just who i am