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Resources for women coming out in straight marriages?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LaraB, Jul 29, 2020.

  1. LaraB

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    Hi. I'm in my early 40s, married to a man and we have 3 kids. Anyway after an affair with a female friend I've come out to my husband. It's honestly (and I know this sounds stupid) a bit of shock to me. I haven't always felt gay. I have always felt an attraction to women and thought it was just how all women felt. I don't know how much of it was social conditioning and it's just taken all this time to break through. My husband is being amazing about it now despite my pretty bad behaviour over the last year. We're deciding what to do together. I just wondered if anyone could recommend any books, websites or other resources? A lot seems to be geared towards gay men. Thank you.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I had no idea that I was gay until I was in my late twenties, when I was in a long term relationship with a man and had a daughter. Looking back, there were some fairly obvious signs, but I guess I wasn’t ready to see it. Everyone gets there in their own time. It’s a tough situation, so be kind to yourself.

    As for resources, I mainly used EC. There are a few people here who have been through or are going through a similar experience, so I found asking questions on here helpful and knowing that other people felt the same way gave validation to my own feelings. I also saw a therapist, which helped me to get some perspective on what to do next and work out how I was going to get there.

    If you have any particular questions just ask and we might be able to help. And hopefully there will be some other recommendations.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Jul 29, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
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  3. LaraB

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    Thank you. I've started seeing a therapist who is OK but I'm speaking to someone else this week too to see if it's a better fit. I'm still at the detail/wishing it wasn't true stages. OK maybe I've moved past the denial stage now.

    Will keep posting and reading here too.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    It can take few tries to find the right fit with a therapist. There are various styles and approaches.

    Yes, I felt like that and then I got to a stage where I was mostly ok with it, with occasional moments of not believing what was happening. It gets better with time.
     
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  5. Really

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  6. Fuzzy

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    I don't know any, but I am in the process of divorce from a straight marriage and have kids too.
     
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  7. lavalamp

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    Two books about this: Married Women Who Love Women by Carren Strock, and Living Two Lives by Joanne Fleisher. I wish there was a support group for those of us in this position - there are so many of us and it’s hard to find and support each other.
     
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  8. BlueOcean

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    I’ve been listening to a great podcast called ‘The Lesbian Chronicles’. It’s two women who were in the same position as us talking about their experiences. Also ‘Emily’s Late Life Lesbian Journey’ on YouTube.
     
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  9. Stephanie8

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    I feel this deeply. I am also married and have 3 kids. I feel so lost. I feel like I am being so selfish to tear my family apart.
     
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  10. LostInDaydreams

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    I can completely understand why it feels selfish, and I felt the same, but staying together doesn’t necessarily guarantee happiness for you or your family. If resentment grows then it would be unpleasant for all of you and separating gives you both the opportunity to find people that you are compatible and fulfilled with. Also, if you’re happy then you’re in a better position to parent your children. Whereas, staying and living a pretence is miserable and draining.

    I know saying all this probably doesn’t help right now, but it does get easier with time.
     
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  11. silverhalo

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    I think most people here (even if they arent in a relationship with a man) have a some point wished it wasn't true. It is complicated and difficult at the moment but that doesnt mean long term that there cannot be a happy ending.
     
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  12. LaraB

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    Virtual hug coming your way!
     
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  13. DMals80

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    I’m kind of in the same situation, only I’m a man married to a woman and we have twin girls who are 5. I have not told my wife yet that I’m gay, in fact I’ve never actually said those words out loud to another human being and I’m 39. I completely understand that feeling of being lost and totally alone, it sucks.

    I really wish you well in your journey, I know it can’t be easy.

    If anyone knows of any books or podcasts that address this topic, but from a guys perspective, I’d love to hear what they are. Kind of just searching for anything right now that might help.
     
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  14. LaraB

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    Hi! Well you just said them to us, which is a start, well done. There are lots of us here in the same boat, so we're not as alone as we think we are.
     
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