Repression & Internalized Homophobia

To be frank, I am an internal whirlwind of emotions when it comes to coming to terms with my sexuality and part of me hates myself for being gay. I’m angry, bitter and most of all, scared. I’m really fucking scared. I’m scared of what people are gonna think of me and how I’m gonna be perceived. I’m paranoid that people are talking bad about my sexuality behind my back and I don’t know it. Especially my family. I worry that on a surface level that they accept me, but deep down wish I was straight or at least bisexual. I know that it would be easier if I had an opposite sex partner. Society wouldn’t give me so much shit if I did.

Sometimes my brain tries to make any small connections to what my family says when it regards my sexuality. Sometimes I wonder if they hope I’m just going through a phase and will find a nice boy to settle down with eventually or this is just a made up problem that I have. Most of all, I’m scared of what they’re gonna think of me. I’m especially afraid of rejection. I’ve been the “good child”, the “golden child”, the “responsible one”, etc, for so long and now that I’ve realized I’m gay I worry that I’ve let them down. Thankfully they are not heavily religious but came from a time where being gay was illegal or gay people were stereotypes. My parents lived through the AIDS crisis and the Stonewall Riots occurred a year before their births. I’m scared that they’re gonna call me a slur behind my back or a stranger will call me one straight to my face.

I’ve been very paranoid about slurs. They’ve been used around me before, the d slur and f slur especially. They get thrown around like its nothing. They’re slurs that carry hateful meaning behind it. Sometimes I wish I was stronger so I could brush them off like it’s nothing, but it’s like a knife wound when you do get called one. Sometimes I get paranoid just walking into public spaces because I fear that someone is gonna yell the d slur at me. I know that I’m blowing this out of proportion, but I’m a part of a group that has been oppressed and killed for expressing same sex attraction.

I’m fortunate to live in a very liberal area with a high LGBT population. I also come from a family that for the most part doesn’t care, but is more confused than anything. Along with the occasional poor joke thrown my way. I’m a white, middle class, cisgendered girl, so what’s there to fear? Nothing, nothing at all. If I really wanted to, I could repress my sexuality and find a nice boy to date. I wouldn’t be happy per say, but at least I’d fit in.

I know that I’m taking the realization of my sexuality harder than anyone else in my family, but it’s because that it is me who will be dealing with it for the rest of my life, not my family nor heterosexual friends. I know that I’m so worried of what other people think that it’s making it harder for me to embrace who I am. I talked to my dad regarding my sexuality and he says not to let it change who I fundamentally am. However, I am fundamentally gay. It’s a major part of who I am. It’s not everything of what I am, but it’s a part of me. I can’t change who I’m attracted to. Shit, conversion therapy used to “cure” one’s gayness says otherwise.

I just wanna shove all this shit into a box and put it back on the shelf, but I know I can’t. I don’t want to be stuck in a heterosexual marriage in the future with kids and realize that then. It would be so much harder.

Sometimes I try to imagine myself marrying a man. All I can see is an unhappy bride dragging her feet down the aisle to marry a generic looking dude and her coming up to the altar where she breaks down and says “I can’t marry you, I’m a lesbian”. I also try to imagine myself having sex with a man and it’s a similar scenario. A crying girl, shaking, and saying “No, I can’t do this. I’m gay”. Sometimes I also try and push myself to find men attractive or test my attraction to them. I honestly really feel nothing at all. I’m used to seeing the male form so much I’ve become numb to it. It’s not horrible to say, but I just feel...numb. I also get numerous intrusive thoughts about sexual encounters with men when I’m trying to imagine doing anything sexual or non sexual with women. My brain tries to insert a man into the picture and it makes me upset. I wanna just imagine scenarios with women.

When I fantasize about women, it feels nice. I love every minute of it. Everything I imagine in my fantasies with a woman, I want to do in real life. I’d like to spend my life with a woman. When I was younger, I’d never really thought about my wedding day or starting a family with a man. I saw myself with a nice house and running a hobby farm. When I insert a woman into the picture, she fits right in. It makes sense to me. Being with a woman makes sense, but it also feels foreign. Can I really have that or is it inevitable that I end up with a man? Has my mental illness and trauma with men warped my mind? And to be honest, I’m not exactly sure.

Most of the friendships I’ve made are with women. I was friends with men as well, but it became awkward when they developed feelings for me. It’s not that I dislike them in any sense, but I never really entirely went out of my way to make friends with them. I’m not sure why, but that’s just how it is. When a man tries to make a move on me, it becomes awkward or I don’t know what to say and sometimes when I see an attractive man I get nervous. But that nervousness I feel is similar to my anxiety. I also become very shy as well and can never look at them in the face.

With women on the other hand, I can give them eye contact and my heart starts racing fast. I’ve noticed that this year, my box containing my repressed attraction to women has opened. Sometimes when I looked at my female friends in the face, time slowed down for a moment. I can say it even froze. When I watched a video of two girls from a TV show kissing, I felt funny and I watched the clip again, and again, and again. I never really got that feeling from watching a man and a woman kiss. Most of the time too I could never see myself in a position where I’d be kissing the man. Maybe the woman, but when I watched a lesbian film for the first time I could relate to those characters. I could understand what they were feeling and it was amazing. My favorite film now is one that is about a unaware lesbian, very much like myself. I always know that there’s a chance I could be bisexual as well. Only time will tell. I’m not trying to close any doors of opportunity either. But for now, I just feel comfortable in my attraction to women and that’s okay.

 

Thank you for the reply! I am currently in therapy and have been working through much of this and have been doing a bit better. I do know that I am very fortunate and overthink a lot as well.