Well it has been a while since I posted on EC... Update...after coming very close to leaving my wife to live as an openly gay man about 3 months ago I returned to our home after a 24 day exile away from it on my choosing. That 24 days was so peaceful and satisfying where I could just run with my gay thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement. I even told my wife I ‘felt’ gay... I couldn’t say I ‘am’ gay as I just fear hurting her. My wife attempted to convince me I was bisexual (which she knew I was when we met) and she asked me to come home...while I was happy she felt miserable. So I came home and have tried really really really hard to repress my gay desires and block out all gay thoughts, feelings and desires. I stopped watching gay porn, stopped masturbating and began to focus on my Christian faith...so after praying, reading the bible and going to church I did start to feel like I was conquering my gay desires and sexual urges... my wife and I have had sex but only occasionally and we have had some long arguments over extremely petty things. I don’t know why but I just have no desire to kiss or have sex with my wife...she wants a baby and it is a real effort for me to get in the mood and aroused enough to have sex with her...it just feels like a chore and is physically and emotionally draining...I don’t know if it’s because we have no spiritual or emotional connection due to having different world views or if it’s because I am subconsciously suppressing my gay sexuality. Every day I make a huge effort to keep my thought life pure and holy and to block out all and any homosexual thoughts and feelings. I try to occupy my private time with doing healthy things other than watching gay porn and masturbating to gay porn which just gets me so excited. In the past I have tested my sexuality by watching straight porn and it goes in either two directions. I either get so aroused watching the guy or aroused watching the female as I connect with my feminine passive side...but ultimately it is all gay in nature to me. So lately I have been having extremely erotic graphic sexual dreams involving men and women and I wake up so sexually frustrated and horny. But I don’t fix that sexual frustration with having sex with my wife. So this morning after my wife went to work I was lying in bed and just began this war in my head where I was fighting against my gay sexuality and trying to block out any gay thoughts, feelings and desires. My gay urges just kept pushing and fighting to be released while I was trying to ‘stay’ straight... but I kept getting hornier and hornier until my gay desires erupted and totally overwhelmed me... I couldn’t handle it anymore and I relented and began masturbating with my past gay desires and experiences flooding back into my mind and it just felt so amazing, normal and natural to me...my gay erections are just so easy and I tried so hard to stop... but I couldn’t... gay desire took control of me and I fought against watching gay porn... I fought it and fought it but in the end I relented and a few clicks away I was watching gay porn on my phone... and omg it felt so amazing...my heart just pounds like crazy and I just felt so gay and happy...so I guess feeling gay on the inside is something I can’t control...no matter how much I try to block it out all I am doing is repressing a normal, natural, healthy part of my being...I am coming to the realisation that no matter how hard I have been trying to be straight in my thoughts, actions and speech it is a losing battle...all I am doing is repressing my gay sexuality which is unhealthy and only leads to anger, resentment, frustration and lies to my wife and myself. So here I am now...writing this and just wanting to be with the man of my dreams rather than the wife of my nightmares... I am trapped and struggling and need reassurance from my fellow lgbtq family on EC.
It certainly sounds like your gay no matter how hard you try to suppress it. I think you are going through the normal stages as you come to terms with your homosexuality. Sooner or later the need to express your homosexuality will be overwhelming and you will need to act on it. From personal experience while hard to part with the hetero world at first, it is well worth the release and liberation embracing your gayness brings.
@Out and In I haven't met a single gay or bisexual person who hasn't gone through this wrestling match that you describe. When I was young, I was Catholic and any sexual desire (male or female) I was taught was sinful. So, I tried to pray all sexual desires away. I concentrated on physical activities and school work. Nothing worked. You are gay. That's not going to change no matter how you try to prevent it or repress it. It sounds like you have this figured out and know what the answer is. Now, you just have to build up the courage to do what you need to do.
Hey that is such a tough one. I can totally understand why you don't want to hurt your wife but ultimately living untrue to yourself is going to make you both hurt. You because of what you are repressing and her because in time you will become withdrawn and irritable. As hard as it is I think you need to try and be honest with her. You say she wants a baby but she wants a baby with someone who loves her as she loves you and wants a baby with her and try as you might that isn't you.
I'm sorry to be so frank with you, but this was always going to happen. When you last posted I was concerned that you would return home to your wife and re-enter the cycle of suffering that is so harmful for both of you and so it was. Repression and denial actually makes things worse and no amount of avoidance [of porn or personal fantasy] or prayer will alter the feelings that are an innate part of who you are. On your profile you tell us that you are gay and it's important that you now embrace and accept what you are telling all of us. By your own admission the time away, where you could be your authentic self was peaceful and satisfying and I imagine you would love to go back to all of that now. Although your wife described it a time of unhappiness and misery, I find it hard to believe she is happier now you are home with the renewed stress and arguing and I'm sure you realise how big a mistake it would be to make a baby with her. You have continued to tell us that you don't want to hurt your wife, but the reality is that you are both hurting and denying each other the opportunity for real happiness and contentment. Perhaps a starting place would be to correct that statement about "feeling gay" to being gay. You have three words to say... I - am - gay. I totally understand how hard it is to say those three short words, but it can be done in a matter of seconds and if you are resolute when you say it, it could be the most important and significant few seconds of your life. I think you have reached a point where you need your life to change.
Out and In I strongly urge you not consider having a child as some magical cure for being gay. This would only lead to complicating your life and that of your wife and child by a thousand percent. All of us who come to acknowledge our homosexuality later in life face these very difficult decisions. We want to grasp and hold on what we know and are afraid to venture into the unknown. Its human nature and in this case complicated by our sexuality with even today most people have issue with. As you clearly indicate, your gay, that won't change and eventually you will start to resent your wife. Of course this is unfair to her as she is not responsible for you coming to realize your homosexual. The kindest and without a doubt the hardest thing to do is set her free to find a man that can love her the way you cannot. In the long run you cannot give her the life she desires and she can't provide that to you. I don't give this advice cavalierly, I experienced it myself. I felt exactly as you do, but I knew I could no longer live a lie. At the end of my relationship with my then long term GF it got so bad I couldn't stand to be around her. (Not her fault all mine). I was powerless to fake it at the end and I was consumed with exiting that relationship and being with man openly and without fear of exposure. I was lucky as I found that and the liberation and freedom it provided was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I knew immediately that I had made the right decision to embrace the gay me and live an openly gay life. I am 1000 x happier with life in general since coming out and living honestly. Not to say that it wasn't hard or there were no hurdles, there were plenty. In the end it was all worth it. You have one life to live, and you need to live it as a gay man. We are here for you, EC is a fantastic resource with people and moderators that truly care for what you are going through. We have all experienced to some degree.
Yikes! Please re-read what you wrote. Please don’t have a baby in this circumstance. Long arguments, no desire for affection, emotionally draining, not spiritual or emotional connection, and different world views... I’m guessing you would not start a marriage if you were saying all this during engagement, let alone think about being co-parenting with a person you just argue with over petty things. And kids deserve a home atmosphere that is better than what you are describing. If the above posts have not convinced you to stop the marriage before it is too late, I suggest you read the Straight Spouse Network Open Forum and get a taste of the rage of spouses who feel they were cheated from being with someone who was straight.
I echo Patrick's advice to you. If you haven't already, go in the bathroom, stand in front of the mirror, and say "I'm gay" to yourself. You are at the brink of real self acknowledgement and self acceptance. Please don't have children. It won't fix this problem, and I can guarantee it will only make things worse.
Im very similar and cant stop dreaming about gay sex and watching gay porn.Ive had gay sex under 20 times and felt incredible,but sometimes i still fight it-
