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Repressed or Not so lesbian maybe?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostMyself, Jun 7, 2014.

  1. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    Ok so if you've read my precious post about "can someone bring the gay out of you" you can get a little understanding of this post.After everything from my questioning to my non existent sex life due to me and pretty much my life's falling apart since all of it I've changed into this person I cannot get back to the person I use to be the one who pretty much didn't question anything in life and just existed. After seeing a counsellor I feel empty kinda my mind is thinking there's no real way out of this everything inside me has been awoken to the possibility that I'm not as straight as I thought.Since seeing the counsellor I can't help to feel now that maybe I'm not a lesbian maybe I think I am or maybe I'm in such fear and denial that I'm trying to repress it.I don't want to live with regrets but I'm so overwhelmed with how people will see me think of me ect.Im still finding myself attracted to women and even looking up certain women I've just met as friends and crushing over them it's usually short lived because of my situation (I'm a mum and in a marriage like relationship) all that's still the same but now I feel like part of me is trying to hide it because before I was seeking out lgbt groups and anything to get info on it all and now I'm not.So what does that mean?? Is it the fear or possibly I'm not gay and just confused?? Before I felt like I can't live like this constant questioning and I wasn't truly happy in my life but now I feel like I'm still not happy but I'm not trying to figure it all out as much but something is really missing from my relationship and family life and I don't know what the hell it is.I look at my partner and think I should hug him and kiss him but the thought is a struggle It won't come naturally I don't feel myself just wanting to get up and be affectionate I use to a longtime ago but now I feel like I need to be drunk or force myself to cringe my way through it and that sounds sad and pathetic but it's how I feel and I hate it a lot.Ive been pushing myself to just go out with him and hope I will just automatically hold his hand or touch his leg but I struggle with thinking about doing those things to him it's like I have to pep myself up like c'mon self do it just do it already.What is all of this?

    ---------- Post added 8th Jun 2014 at 08:48 AM ----------

    Previous not precious stupid auto correct
     
  2. StellarJ1

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    everything you are going through is normal. This is not going to happen over night. It is a process of acceptance, and you are still actively fighting it. That's okay.

    Acceptance is fucking hard. (I am still fighting it, even though I've touched the peaceful place when I have had momentary phases of acceptance. But I am getting better at not telling myself stories about who I am).

    Your body is sending you messages, but you don't like what the messages are saying. You want it to be different. I totally feel you on this.

    This video is really, really helpful for me. It helps me to connect with my true feelings and self betrayal:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_X7MNcEj1o
     
  3. paris

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    Imagine it's me not you who said that. What'd you think?

    I have known since I was 17 I was attracted to women.
    I had come out as bi in my teen years and few years back to a friend but I don't feel like I fit the label I'm a lot more leaning towards women then men.
    For the past few years I have been noticing women so much.
    It feels exciting when I think about what it'd be like to be with a woman I really think I could settle down with one.
    I started getting feelings for a woman I had just met online years ago.
    Its like I'm obsessed with it I look and imagine what it'd be like to be in a relationship with one.
    Over this past couple year I have felt such a strong attraction towards women a lot.
    I'm always looking at women I'm always wondering what it'd be like to be with one.
    I was dancing towards a few women most of the night I so wanted to kiss a beautiful girl.
    I can't give up what I desire I know it's not like I'm sleeping with any of them but the thought to do so crosses my mind.
    In my mind I guess I want a woman to flirt with me.
    I can't stop with these daily fantasies of women constantly imaging what it'd be like.
    The thought of imaging a woman get off excites me.
    I'm finding ways to where I can meet them and be around them I get aroused very easily just by an emotional connection.
    I do wonder about my life with a woman I feel that's what will make me feel content with myself.
     
  4. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    Thankyou for the advice stellar and I absolutely loved the clip.Im actually been watching a few of her clips I really need to learn about myself more so thank you x. and Paris Thankyou for your post too,I keep re reading and saying to myself what would I say if it was you but because I know it's me I just don't know but it's an eye opener to see myself being me and feeling what I feel,I guess I feel kinda vulnerable and looking at it I know there's an answer deep inside me I think.Im still asking myself is that really me? Do I really feel that way? Denial and self acceptance I know it's all in black and white now I just need to figure out what next
     
  5. paris

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    Yes, I think there's an answer deep inside you but denial can make us to doubt what is real and what is not. Am I really gay? Do I fake my attraction to women? I know it's hard. I was asking myself over and over why I hadn't realized earlier that I'm into women. Looking back I know I've never been into boys but I don't recollect any obvious attraction to girls either and it made me doubt myself.
    Sometimes we are not ready to hear the truth. It'd be so much easier, right? If I wasn't gay I wouldn't need to have that talk with my boyfriend and break his heart. I wouldn't need to explain to my parents why I'm still still single at my age... On one hand, it'd be so perfect. But then you wake up every day and know that that there's something not right, something that's missing.
    Finally I learned to listen to my gut feelings and embrace that inner voice. When I close my eyes, I see myself holding a woman in my hands and it makes me happy. Happier than I've ever been. I follow that voice like a lighthouse and it makes me feel like I'm finally heading home...
    P.S. Sorry if it doesn't make sense, I'm slightly drunk. (!!)
     
    #5 paris, Jun 9, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2014
  6. HTBO

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    I know how you feel. I went through this same process. I was married with kids, and I continued to withdraw further from my husband. What I did was listen to my instincts. I would look around at everyone I saw and I quickly came to realize that it was women I was attracted to. It's so confusing, and it is difficult to accept. Most days I feel free and at peace, but there are times when I think is this really happening? I am still in shock that I am a lesbian and it took 37 years for me to realize it. It may have taken a little longer to come out to myself, but I am grateful that I did, and most days accepting. I did end up telling my husband, and he has been very supportive.
     
  7. wanderinggirl

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