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Repeated gay fantasy...is it wrong? And what does it mean?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Danabutton, Jul 13, 2018.

  1. Danabutton

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    this is hard for me to disclose but I really appreciate Kate the support I have received on this site and I guess I need to do some soul baring....
    I have struggled with a sane sex fantasy for almost 36 years...I am 46 and my first experience occurred when I was 10,and I am not proud of it as I did not want it to happen and for years tried to repress it....
    Since that first experience I have had intrusive fantasies that is basically one continuous story with a running theme and the more I have tried to fight it the more intense it had become...
    I was able to repress it for years but it would creep up again from time to time..it wasn’t until my divorce almost 10 years ago that I found myself chatting with gay or bisexuals who had similar fantasies and I almost gave in to enact it with a gay man I chatted online but got cold feet and backed out...
    I feel disgusted with myself and really could use feed back and opinions...I tend to be hard on myself as it is so honest remarks would probably not hurt me as much as I flog myself....
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    It sounds like years and years of repression just kept it simmering away and now it's reached the point where you are constantly distracted by your thoughts and feelings. Are you disgusted with yourself for having same sex feelings or are you disgusted more by a specific fantasy? What sort of background are you from? I ask this because a conservative/religious upbringing can sometimes fuel all of these negative feelings.

    Maybe you can tell us more.
     
  3. Danabutton

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    Hi Patrick...I was raised Catholic...I think it’s a combination of both the fantasy itself as well as being same sex related.
     
  4. CuriousLad

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    I could go on about how it's natural and there's nothing wrong about it but you've probably heard those a lot, haven't you?
    I don't know the specifics of how you were abused as a child, but I think I was in the same boat as you. Instead of religion, I had a conservative society restraining my impulses and making me doubt myself. But I've overcome it all, and so will you. My support system was a mix between the internet, TV shows and some progressive friends.They helped me realise that I'm not wrong, but bigots around me and the one inside me, are.
    Most importantly, that even if the abuse influenced my sexuality to a certain degree, it never damaged me but simply changed me. And I've welcomed that hypothetical change. Some men develop homosexual desires after a history or assault, some don't. Some abuse survivors think it's because of what they faced, but later realise they'd been gay all along. What matters is what I've highlighted; that you're a survivor, not a victim. And survivors and victims have nothing to feel guilty about. It's easier said than done, but it's something you've got to do.
    You don't have to rush into sex. I think you should first get acquainted with some gay or bi men of faith. Learn how they overcame their restraints and embraced their sexuality. You don't seem to be entirely disinterested in women either, so you can give both a try, while being honest to yourself every step of the way.
     
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  5. PatrickUK

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    So, what does it mean when you say you are disgusted with yourself? What exactly are you feeling when you have these fantasies and feelings for members of the same sex? Do you think it stems from your upbringing, or something different and deeper?

    The previous poster referred to your first experience as abuse, but that's not what you actually said. You said you are not proud of what happened and didn't want it (but that doesn't necessarily equate to abuse), so I'm wondering if you are now in a place where you can talk to us about it. We don't know you personally, so would you feel comfortable telling us about it? If we know more it might help us offer more feedback.
     
  6. CuriousLad

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    @Danabutton Yeah I hope I wasn't presumptuous. I just assumed your case was the same as mine since you could relate to one my own posts on a similar topic.
     
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  7. Danabutton

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    Hi Patrick and Curious Lad,
    My first experience was playing doctor with my best friend during a sleep over when we were both about. 10...he was the doctor and I was the patient...and he unaudited I play the roll of a female patient; basically he wanted me to be Daisy Duke...
    What I think started as playful experimentation turned into my friend taking liberties and I did not stop him. At the time I did not know what was going on, I never felt that way before but afterwards I felt gross and disgusting.
    Over my teenage years I struggled with this and repressed it but there were occasions when I noticed I would get excited if a gay male complimented me but at the same time I would overcompeseate my heterosexuality...
    That said I often had recurring fantasies that have become more intense after my divorce several years ago...
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    I think most ten year olds have experienced enough social conditioning to develop a sense what is accepted and what is frowned upon within their family and extended community. You mentioned a Catholic upbringing and I'm guessing within that upbringing you heard a narrative about intimate relationships being between men and women only. Most ten year olds have been exposed to this message because mom and dad constantly reinforce it from a young age. So when your friend overstepped the mark and took liberties you would have been aware that something unacceptable happened, but your passive acceptance of it set in train an emotional tug of war that persists to this day.

    Was that incident a causative factor in your sexual orientation? No. Has that incident and the subsequent feelings that developed for the same sex muddied the waters and opened up a personal conflict? Yes, it very likely has. The problem you have, is that all of those thoughts and feelings have become enmeshed over time.

    The fact that you have continued to have fantasies and feelings for the same sex over a thirty year period (even while you were married to a woman) suggests that this wasn't a phase or teenage experimentation. Marriage allowed you to conform to the acceptable standards of your upbringing, but it also repressed things that were only beginning to emerge when you slammed the lid on them. Only now is the lid blowing off and leaving you back in those muddied waters of some thirty years ago.

    I do think it's important to stop searching for causative issues, because you are entering a kind of blind alley by going there. Your sexuality wasn't determined by the incident when you was ten or your passive acceptance of what happened. Nor was it determined by a lack of love, affection or validation during your marriage. Your sexuality is determined by factors that are beyond our control and for that reason we shouldn't attempt to exert control. Acceptance is the way forward.
     
  9. Danabutton

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    Hi Patrick,
    I can honestly say I appreciate the support I received from everyone here....I just can’t help but ruminate over everything....there was another situation that occurrred later as well where I do think someone cross boundaries, this was when I was engaged the first time and after this incident I completely was unable to engage in relations with my fiancée which led her to dump me