I'm just venting mostly. These sort of things aren't exactly something I talk to anyone outside of a therapist about. I just want to talk about how I feel. I was just reading the manga Bokura no Hentai. (No, it's not a hentai, despite the name). It's about a group of kids who cross dress for different reasons meeting up for the first time at the beginning of the series and it follows their struggles as they grow up. Something about these narratives draws me to them. And it reminds me of all the pain I went through trying to accept myself when I went through puberty. It really hits me in the feels. I don't know why I do this to myself. Why some of the literature that moves me the most is the kind that makes me sad. Or why I seek it out. On this website, I've been extremely hesitant to admit that I'm a heterosexual male, funnily enough, because I felt like it would be like calling myself an outsider, or that I didn't belong here. But I've never been entirely okay with that male aspect of myself. And when I think back, I wonder how much of who I am today is because of how hard I rejected that idea of masculinity in my youth. I was terrified, repulsed by what I felt like I was becoming. I wanted to be a beautiful, gentle man. I looked at all the problems in the world caused by men, all the hate, the ugliness. Fighting, competition, hiding and repressing your feelings so as not to make yourself vulnerable. I despised it. Yet, I wasn't a girl, never was. But I didn't like the alternative. Funnily enough, there were plenty of good men I admired. And I was loved, appreciated, and generally had a good childhood, I think. If a bit depressing at times. I often found myself thinking and feeling too deeply, and let it consume me. For me, it wasn't that other people rejected me, but that I couldn't accept myself. I wanted to be beautiful, not that I would have admitted it. But still, the hair grew all over my body, and I found myself ashamed, deeply ashamed, I didn't want to dress like I wanted, because I felt like an ape. I was upset because of the feelings of anger and of sexual urges that came with hormones. Nowdays, that I've finally had the time to get over the hairiness thing somewhat, I'm starting to bald in places, like a bad joke. First I get unwanted hair, then I have to lose the hair I want, and all the while feeling like I'm losing my identity to become just another middle aged man in the workforce. High school was probably the last time I felt good about my appearance. I was hairy by then, but at least I had boyish good looks. Now, I don't even try to look good. I haven't dated in 8 years. It's been a long time with few friends. Starting and stopping college. I'm my own worst enemy there too. Luckily, I have one very close friend who keeps in contact with me. He's the reason I went back to college to pursue my dream of being a product designer. He's the reason I didn't give up and settle for something less. He's maybe the closest friend I've ever had... Somehow, in the process of growing up, I've felt an irreversible sense of loss. That effortless childlike creativity, that quirky liveliness, innocence and my appearance. It all seems to fade away. To be replaced by what though? I'm older, stronger, wiser. But in my heart, I'm not sure if I feel that it was an equal exchange. I often still feel less than I used to be. All I ever wanted was companionship, to make things, and to be appreciated for who I am and what I do. Is companionship the thing that will fill this hole in my heart? Or do people chase their entire lives for a sense of fulfillment, and never get it, because the only one who can give it is themselves?
