1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Relationships: Things in common vs. very different

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by PennyT, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. PennyT

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2016
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Alabama, US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    On a different site, I've been trying to make friends with queer women. If I see something on their profile that I have in common, and they like my profile, we talk. However, I've found that one can only talk about dogs or Sherlock so much before the conversation tragically dies. When I talk to someone I have little to no shared interests with, we talk about the weather. :confused:

    Looking back, my biggest crush ever was on a girl that was very different from me. My closest friend is also very different from me - in personality and interests. How do people find friends/significant others? Do people usually hang out with people similar to them or different? If different, where's the starting point?
     
  2. HM03

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    2,201
    Likes Received:
    373
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I know the feeling - pretty much every single friend I've had has been pretty different than me. BUT we always had one or two things in common, even something as simple as having the same type of humour.

    It's easier said than done, especially with online strangers, but try to ask them about their interests and genuinely care. What do they do? How do they play *certain sport*? How often do they practice? If you guys click, even if they talk about things you don't really love, it can still be a good conversation. Hopefully if you talk enough you'll find more things you have in common.
     
  3. HappyGirlLucky

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2014
    Messages:
    607
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Finland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The only thing someone needs to have in common with me is that we have shared values. This goes for friends too. I get along best with people who care a lot about other people's welfare and who care deeply about animals, usually if a person meets that criteria we will get along really well. I just recently met someone like this and we clicked instantly (she's married, so just as friends), now we talk every day.

    So basically I could share all the hobbies and interests in the world with someone, but if they are not animal lovers or empathetic humans chances are we will clash really badly at some point.

    Online dating makes this really difficult, except that OK dating site which has really good match making and you can look at those questions they answered. When I tried it out for a bit I talked to people based on that, and found I got along with almost everyone I talked to, and it was more interesting asking them about their interests when I did not know so much about them.

    Let's say you have never rock climbed before but this person who shares your values loves that, you now have lots of questions to ask and they get to talk about themselves and their favorite interest a lot. No better way to get actually interesting discussions started!

    So my advice is to try to find people who are like you at the core instead of at the surface. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 HappyGirlLucky, Jul 26, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2016
  4. sonnentanz

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2016
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MN
    I think a mix is best, and just being comfortable moving past surface conversation topics. My friends and relationships all shared some big things, like where we grew up or what our major interests were, but differed when it came to how we deal with our problems or what motivates us.
     
  5. Aspen

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2014
    Messages:
    1,257
    Likes Received:
    92
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I found my friends by proximity--we all lived in the same dorm and then bonded. We have some shared interests between us but not a ton. My girlfriend I met on a forum for a shared hobby. We have a ridiculous amount in common but also hobbies of our own.

    The trick isn't in the shared hobbies, it's how you communicate. Even if something doesn't personally interest you, that doesn't mean you can't talk about it. And the only way to find you that you have more shared interests is through talking about things and seeing where the conversation ends up.
     
  6. AmyBee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2016
    Messages:
    511
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Japan
    I think it's in the communication more than the specific interests, too. Like maybe I'm not into something someone else is, but how they tell me about it makes me interested in their interest in it. And then we can bond over this particular commonality rather than the subject. Also, like the above person said, proximity. I've made a lot of friends with people very different than myself and with very different interests because we've either lived together in dorms or worked together in kind of pressured environments. It does happen a lot of times that people with my same kind of outlook or whatever also happen to like many things I do, or at least my closest friends and I have those things in common. But looking back the person I consider my closest friend? The start of our friendship was merely being able to get along and make each other laugh. It wasn't until later after we'd kind of bonded that we started realizing we had things in common and common interests! After all that came to light we kind of briefly did the crush thing but ended up kind of more like sisters, we think. And my partner only likes a very few things I like. We like very different music, but we both DO like music. Mainly we're just emotionally bonded more so than through common hobbies or TV shows. It's all about how we talk to each other and feel each other's feelings.
     
  7. AngelLikesSpace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2016
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Iowa
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I usually tend to have more conversations with people who have similar interests to me, so when I want to meet new people I try to see if they have at least one thing in common with me.
     
  8. Gunsmoke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
    Messages:
    609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I don't really go in for relationships very much, but in day-to-day friendships I've found a rule that I think can apply to romantic relationships too.

    For me, it's not about being very similar to your partner, but having similar values and stuff. I'm not talking about religious beliefs or your opinion on the death penalty, but I think that the main reason one of my last friendships (that was almost a relationship at one point) fell apart was because we were just too different to the point of being incompatible.

    This was on both a superficial level and a deep level - superficially, I found her too childish and immature and she probably thinks I'm boring and too serious. Of course, plenty of relationships with one serious person and one playful person work out well, but on a deeper level, the problem also was that we had very different values. She was kind of like your typical privileged person who believed that guns should be allowed, that LGB people should only react passively to homophobia, and I genuinely believe that she's the kind of person who would say "blue/all lives matter" if asked, although I may be wrong... And I'm the opposite to all of these. So half of our serious conversations ended in "ugh, never mind, you don't get it anyway", or something to that kind of tone.
    (Don't get me wrong, I'm all for respecting other people's opinions, but different values, ideals and beliefs added to our very different personalities made it difficult for us to have a serious conversation, let alone agree on what we were talking about.)

    My point was, personality-wise, we were basically opposites despite our shared interests in a couple of TV shows and other trivial things. At first it seemed kind of exciting, being the total opposite of somebody very close to you, but then more and more conversations ended awkwardly and we ran out of stuff to say to one another, etc...

    Sorry for using an actual experience to describe my point of view on this - I hope it was clear enough!
     
    #8 Gunsmoke, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  9. bubbles123

    bubbles123 Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2015
    Messages:
    934
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New England, US
    Maybe you're the kind of person who does better getting to know someone in real life. Or maybe you could try pushing the envelope a bit when talking online, like find little things about their profile and ask about them, or just random things you're curious and start from there.

    I think it's possible to build strong relationships with those seemingly very different from us because in spending time together, you may have to work harder to compromise or you simply by default find things and activities that you have in common with them on a deeper level. You also learn more about yourself and about the world by getting to know how someone else views the world. I think, in most cases, that's why it's easier to build those types of relationships with people offline because the challenge to dig deeper or simply the ability to share real life experiences is there.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2016 at 06:07 PM ----------

    Also if you think about it, someone who shares an interest with you on their profile may still be a vastly different person from you on the whole so you never really know.
     
  10. Tre

    Tre
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2016
    Messages:
    271
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I think it's best if we find each other interesting. That means we could have a lot in common or not much. It's also best if we don't share our flaws. I'm a bit on the introverted side and I don't tend to get along with introverts.
     
  11. Gunsmoke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
    Messages:
    609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This too. Whilst most people at least share some flaws with their partner, I feel like sharing too many flaws would make it difficult to resolve issues.
     
  12. Tre

    Tre
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2016
    Messages:
    271
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I know. It's a bummer I tend to attract people who share most of my flaws. Platonically and romantically. I don't expect my partner or close friends not to have flaws. I just don't want them to have my flaws.
     
  13. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I prefer to share some things in common with my partner. Also, since I have a form of autism, it makes it important for me to talk about my favorite subject (which is writing). I couldn't date a non-writer or at least someone who isn't interested in my work since it stifles my favorite subject. I would always be talking about it to friends and developing attraction toward other people based on their interest in it. It might mean less to a neurotypical person, though.
     
  14. Gunsmoke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
    Messages:
    609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    No, I understand this. Whilst I'm not "neurotypical", I don't have autism myself, but I'm a writer too and I wouldn't like to date somebody with no interest in my work. Although I wouldn't want somebody overly-invasive either, talking about my writing is something I do, so if every attempt to discuss it was met with disinterest I'd feel pretty disheartened. Having somebody take interest in my stories and my characters is more than I hope for, though, seeing as I'm pretty private about it. I imagine a lot of people feel this way about things, though.
     
    #14 Gunsmoke, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  15. Libra Neko

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2014
    Messages:
    936
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    the world my mind created
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It's very important to me to be around people I have things in common with. There is only one exception to this rule: I love my brother-in-law. We're very different but he's kind enough to never start arguments.
    If I'm around people who disagree with me on many issues, it is frustrating. I don't like being on the defense. For instance, if you start defending Trump, I'm leaving.
     
  16. PrettyinPunk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2016
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MI
    Gender:
    Female
    I think it depends on the person and what they want in a relationship. Some people are attracted to others with similar interests, while some like the opposites attract dynamic. Imo relationships work better like others have said, when the core beliefs are similar between two people.

    For me, I'd need someone with very similar core beliefs and values. The more shared interests in common is awesome but not as important. Also they'd have to share a love for music.