1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Relationships between a non autistic (NT, neurotypical) guys and autistic guys

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by europeanguy, Feb 23, 2019.

  1. europeanguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2015
    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    somewhere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    whenever I look this up or encounter this the post is always "my boyfriend/girlfriend has autism what can I do to help/make them more comfortable?" and whilst thats great and all. it'd be nice to have a post for the other way around. now this is the internet so its not like you're saying to my face so its probably fine to be as honest as possible. but I am the autistic one in the relationship. I dont want to feel like he's compensating or purposefully ignoring my mess ups or annoying sides thats no way to live, I dont want to feel like he's changing to suit how I am whilst I dont change at all (thats not fair, relationships are two sided). I cant ever seem to find a post that tells me what I might be doing wrong, all of them seem too scared to say even one little thing wrong as to not risk upsetting the community or offending someone but if its never said we'll never know. I know that everyone with autism is different and experiences things differently but considering that 99% of the people who meet me either hate me with a passion, ignore me completely, bully me (a lot sometimes physically) or trying to mentor me, I know im doing something wrong, and its pretty major. I cant find anything wrong with me in the social sense when there clearly is im not saying that in a "oh im so perfect" way im saying it in a I cant find it but its here somewhere way.


    so if anyone is in a relationship and is not autistic but your significant other is, what stuff do they do that annoys you or you wish they didnt? whats a common mistake they make in conversation or daily life? what things do you expect a partner to do but they do not? ive never been in a relationship before and nobody seems to be honest about an autistic partner, I want to learn and change so that I can become good enough to keep him and become worthy
     
  2. Lin1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,336
    Likes Received:
    530
    Location:
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Okay, so I am not dating someone on the spectrum but do have a very good friend (who I once had a thing with) who is on the spectrum and here are the things that took me a while to adapt but are fairly common for people on the spectrum:

    - His lack of social clues/boundaries/manners... it seems like the most common thing amongst autistic people, it wasn't terrible per se but it does take some adjustment.

    - His lack of empathy, for me that was the hardest part, he was VERY direct and I am someone who value honesty so I liked that but he genuinely couldn't understand how his words could hurt people and seemed to fail having empathy for other people's ordeal, yet was very focused on his own issues. Lots of time he had no filter, which can be refreshing in certain situations but also mortifying in situations where it's just plain rude/unacceptable and/or terrible timing.

    - Slightly self-absorbed. Like I said, he was very out of touch with other people's needs and emotions but VERY in tune with his own and was expecting people to meet his needs while not realizing it's a two way streets.

    He is A LOT like Sheldon Cooper in Big Bang Theory, you can't help but love him but the lack of empathy/consideration can be dauting at times, especially for someone who isn't used to it or is sensitive/need someone who is more caring/affectionate/emotionally available.


    Nowadays he is still one of my favourite person and I wouldn't swap him for the world but yes I am often baffled by things he dare say out loud or do.

    I don't think he can change that though, I think he could LEARN to try and remember what's socially acceptable or not but as a NT it just seems like a lot of hard work and seems much easier for me to be understanding and to cut him some slack and to only raise concern when he really is rude/crossing the line.
     
  3. europeanguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2015
    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    somewhere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    yeah social skills are all manual, even for me I have to remember to say hello or say sorry even when I dont feel I mean it. can come off as self absorbed because its genuinely extremely difficult to imagine an emotional response to an event that we ourselves would not feel in that situation, or know how to feel at an event that has not happened to me before. its hard to change or be acceptable when you dont understand whether what you're saying is too direct or inappropriate. I hate thinking that 90% of it cant change or requires an extreme amount of energy and active pushing to suppress/change it, because I want to be more acceptable and more easy to be around, im clearly putting everyone off and making myself an easy target. i mean my bf loves me for me and all my quirks or so he says but I want to try and be as good as a normal person to become worthy and less alone
     
  4. Lin1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,336
    Likes Received:
    530
    Location:
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Okay first of all your worth is NOT determined by your abilities to read social cues and social situations, you are worthy just like the rest of us. If anything people like you, help me realise how sensitive most NT (and therefore most of the human race) is, maybe it's us who need to change and learn to be more chill and understanding instead of being so stuck in our ways.
     
  5. europeanguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2015
    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    somewhere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only

    haha try telling that to the people I went to school with....and the staff members....and then my uni....and my parents
     
  6. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15,507
    Likes Received:
    3,323
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am not in a relationship with an autistic person, but I have several friends who are on the spectrum.

    I think LInning has pretty much nailed it. Here's what I've experienced:

    -- The absolute bluntness can be really hurtful. Even when I realize it is a byproduct of the autism, it can still sting.

    -- An utter lack of understanding how their actions (or lack of actions) impact others. Even when explained, it is hard for them to grasp.

    -- Often absolutely unaware of subtle social cues, like asking someone how their day was when they come in, or showing interest in what they are doing. It comes across as self-absorbed but I think it is, again, a lack of awareness of what others are experiencing.

    -- Various social situations where they simply doesn't understand or has difficulty accepting social norms. Example: inviting people to a party, and he wanted to invite someone, but not the person's partner. He absolutely could not understand why this was expected, and why it would be a problem, or why someone would take offense.

    -- Real difficulty understanding anything other than logic when looking at how people interact, and why and how emotions might enter into the situation.

    One of the things I learned is that empathic responses (which at least one of my autistic friends is capable of) are basically learned, analytic responses. It really crystalilzed it for me when one of my friends said "I don't like it when people have an emotional response I haven't seen, because I have to think about which empathic response might be most appropriate, and then try to deliver that response. It's totally not natural for him.

    What is interesting is that, over time, particularly for high functioning people in their 20s or younger, it is possible to repattern most of the deficient neural connections that are thought to cause the autistic behaviors.
     
  7. europeanguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2015
    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    somewhere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    ooh dear im guilty of all of those haha. 5th one has caused my dad to call me a lot of horrible words.

    one of the main problems id say is that its difficult to see outside your own mind which is why I asked, like these things can happen but id never realise what about what I am doing is wrong, and worse is if someone sat down and lectured me about it for 30 minutes straight (which they have) I just feel like I completely disagree and that they're being stupid and crazy, and then since it feels like they're the stupid and crazy one I refuse to change because it seems completely mad to do so. though to be fair the family members doing that do fit the requirements for sociopaths/narcissists so maybe listening to them isnt a great idea

    though I have managed to get asking people how they're day is going/went and making sure to tell them I appreciate them every so often down. ive found that my mother, who is always in a constant state of rage and/or sadness at everyone, appreciates this a LOT, like she becomes so much more friendly and calm, so I figured that'd work in a relationship too, so I always ask my bf at the end of the day or during the day.


    its certainly difficult, I can see and understand why most of the community do not usually pick autistic people in both the straight and LGBT worlds, as friends and as relationships, but thats why im learning haha, I mean 90% of it is unfixable but I can at least tone some of it down to acceptable levels. im mainly hoping he'd tell me if something was wrong, you know that weird thing people do where they hide their feelings from the person who would need to know those feelings the most? im hoping that doesnt happen....



    why cant there just be a course or something on this stuff haha, nobody's ever written a guide
     
  8. Destin

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2018
    Messages:
    2,052
    Likes Received:
    710
    Location:
    The United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree completely with the bluntness, lack of social cues and only seeing logic stuff. My brother is very autistic and sometimes when he says something you just have to stop and think to yourself 'what...what just happened?' He never means any harm by it but wow, there's been some bad ones.

    For example I remember one time he met a kid with cancer, and without any hesitation asked "why does god want you to die so much?"

    Everyone in the room visibly cringed. To him though it was just logical that if you're dying of cancer god must have given it to you, so god must want you to die, and he wanted to know why god wanted the kid to die.

    It can be funny too though... like when he asked a woman if she was a mother and she said no because she couldn't have children, his automatic response was "can't you just buy one?".... he truly saw no issue with buying someone's baby because that's the most logical solution.
     
  9. Joeri

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2019
    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Flanders, Belgium
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    in my case it's the opposite, he is the neurotypical one. but he says my weirdness in general is what he loves about me, and what annoys him a bit is that sometimes I am unable to speak. I can't help it, though.