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Relationship Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by trumpetkid23, Nov 24, 2008.

  1. trumpetkid23

    Regular Member

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    Firstly, hello again to you all. I know that I haven't been here since April, but I've come back seeking some advice, because I trust those of you on here.

    A quick update on my life: I have since moved off and gone to college. Thankfully I was able to get out of my homophobic town and now attend college in New York City. I'm entirely out and comfortable now, and believe me, it's wonderful. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to live here, and at this point I see myself living in New York for a very long time.

    At any rate, I'm in a bit of a conundrum, and I'd love to hear some advice. Since I've been here, I've started dating a wonderful guy. He's sweet, nice, funny, not at all pushy, and all around a fantastic person. In a way, this makes my problem more difficult. We've been dating for a month, but I feel like we started on different pages. He very obviously was looking for a long-term committed relationship. Though I'm his first boyfriend, he's been at college for a year longer than myself, and has less to lose should the relationship not work out. I came into it from the "I just want to see where this goes" standpoint. I think that I was also just excited by the idea of dating someone for the first time, and may have gone too quickly without giving it much thought.

    The fact of the matter is, I don't have the same feelings he does. He's very obviously VERY into me, and though I have feelings for him, they're nothing in comparison. I'm not sure anymore that I want to be dating him. We've only been going out for a month, but it seems to me that he's thinking that this is going to last for a long time. I just don't feel that way. I'd break up with him (as much as I know it would hurt him), but...

    All of his friends are my friends. I met him through a small musical theatre production that we worked on together. Therefore, his best friends (who also worked on the production) are my closest friends as well. The only thing is, since he's a sophomore, he's closer to them than I am. If I broke up with him and he was upset, then I risk the potential of losing those people as friends, simply because they're (naturally) going to comfort him first. I cannot lose friends. I need something still to hang on to. Coming to college is a tough transition, and I need to have people to lean on as well. I don't want his friends to think I'm a douchebag. Then I'll just have nobody. Should I talk to one of his/my friends about all this first? They might be able to help me out, but I don't want them to turn on me either. What do I do?

    Now to stir the pot a little bit...

    Please don't judge me, but I have feelings (much stronger feelings) for another guy. I feel so happy every time that I see him. Just talking to him gives me butterflies and makes me so nervous, but I somehow manage to talk to him so naturally and feel so comfortable around him at the same time. It's just...wonderful. I don't see him all that much, but I do have two classes with him, and look forward to those times oh-so-much. However, I don't know if he's gay. Either he's quiet about it, or isn't out yet. He doesn't seem to exhibit the typical straight-guy characteristics, and my gut tells me that he is, but I've been wrong before. He doesn't, however, exhibit the gay guy stereotype either. He's tricky, to say the least. Sometimes I feel like he's a tiny bit into me. Tonight for example, in class, I asked him how he was and he said he was stressed. I told him, "If it makes you feel better, I'm really stressed too." Most people would just laugh and say thanks, but he says, "Aw, no...that just makes me feel worse." At first I didn't think anything of it, but looking back it kinda seemed a little bit like sincere flirting (is there such a thing?) The thing is, I really don't know if he's gay or if he likes me.

    I feel like I need to break up with this other guy, but I also feel like it's a jerk-ish thing to do by breaking up with him to pursue something else that I don't even know is a possibility. I never thought I'd break up with someone to go after someone else either. It pulls at my immense guilt complex, and makes me feel like a douchebag, but I can't help how I feel...

    So what do I do? Break up with him and risk losing friends I've made and create an awkward situation (did I mention that I see my boyfriend ALL THE TIME because of theatre stuff)? It's going to be especially difficult if I feel that I get nothing good from leaving him, but at the same time, staying with him doesn't feel right. It's just that I've given no indication to him that I feel this way. It would be so out of the blue, and I don't want him to think I've been leading him on, but in a way I feel like that I may have a little bit.

    And GAH, I really like this other guy. A whole hell of a lot. I cannot stop thinking about him. I check his facebook obsessively hoping that I'll find some kind of indication that he's gay or thinking about me. Say I do try and pursue this...how? How do I find out his sexuality? I don't want to just ask, as that would be far too personal.

    Help, please?
     
    #1 trumpetkid23, Nov 24, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2008
  2. crazyawper

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    I agree with you,I think you are right,good luck to you guy!

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    http://www.mmoinn.com
     
  3. donnie5

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    first off if you dont have the same feelings for your boyfriend then YOU ARE LEADING HIM ON AND YOU SHOULD TELL HIM its not fair to him to not tell him how you feel and as for the other guy try bringin up the fact that you are gay somehow in normal conversation and base if hes gay or not off that answer
     
    #3 donnie5, Nov 24, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2008
  4. Lexington

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    >>>So what do I do? Break up with him and risk losing friends I've made and create an awkward situation...

    If the main thing keeping you from breaking up with him is "I don't want to lose the mutual friends", then there's absolutely no reason for you to keep seeing him. Break up with him NOW, and let him find somebody who actually does want to be with him for him.

    Lex