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Relationship advice poll...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Austin, Jul 28, 2011.

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Do I have a right to be jealous/mad or not?

  1. I have a right to be jealous.

    3 vote(s)
    12.5%
  2. I don't have a right to be jealous.

    6 vote(s)
    25.0%
  3. I have a right to be mad he did not tell me, but not jealous.

    12 vote(s)
    50.0%
  4. I have a right to be jealous, but not mad he didn't tell me.

    3 vote(s)
    12.5%
  1. Austin

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    My boyfriend and I got into an argument over this... So my boyfriend added this guy to fb. So I asked who it was and he said his ex. So I got jealous and was mad at him mostly for not telling me and kinda mad cus I was jealous he was talking to his ex. He got all mad at me for being jealous and said it meant I did not trust him. And I got mad that he got mad at me for being jealous. I wanted him to be understanding instead of telling me to just "stop being jealous." He said that nobody is jealous over stuff like that.


    I'm mostly hurt because of the way he reacted to it... makes me feel like he doesn't care that it makes me feel that way. :frowning2: But please let me know what you think.
     
  2. Pseudojim

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    it sounds like you may have over-reacted (maybe not, it really does depend on the circumstance), but you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You can't control that.

    Regardless, i think you should read.... Jealousy, Monogamy, and Power « freaksexual

    It explores the world of jealousy very well
     
  3. Bibliophile

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    I think you both reacted poorly though in a predictable manner. You are upset that he is talking to his ex but why? Why are you jealous? Most often this means you fear losing the person. So has he done anything to make you think he would be untrue or leave you? Just things to keep in mind.
    Instead of getting mad you should have told him how you felt. You should have told him it makes you jealous in a none accusatory way.

    He on the other hand got defensive when he should have been reassuring. He should also not have said that nobody feels like that. So in short you are both wrong but its totally normal to feel the way you guys did. What I suggest is that you sit down and explain why this bothers you and how he could make it easier. However prior to that I suggest you think about why you allowed this to bother you so much and how YOU can fix that.
    So in short this isnt too bad but it is something you two need to work on before it gets worse.

    On the topic of him not telling you. How long did he talk to his ex before you found out? Did he have any reason to think it would be important to you to know? How recent is this ex?
     
    #3 Bibliophile, Jul 28, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2011
  4. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Sounds like you're jealous and maybe a bit insecure.

    At the same time, he could easily have told you when he started talking to his ex, or that his ex had contacted him, or vice versa.

    But it sounds like both of you have some issues to work through.
     
  5. Pseudojim

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    If he's anything like me, he may not have seen a need to.
     
  6. Tracy Lord

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    If I've learned anything, it's this: people are not possessions.
     
  7. Mogget

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    You have a right to feel whatever you feel. Always.
     
  8. autoKrat

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    THIS. pretty sound conclusions.
     
  9. Gerry

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    Well these are your feelings and you are able to feel however you'd like. But if it were me, I would feel neutral about it. I wouldn't make a big deal. If it's his ex and he seems to genuinely care about you, then you most likely don't have anything to worry about.
     
  10. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    You probably overreacted, and the fact that you got so upset about it does seem to indicate that you don't fully trust him. That being said, it would have been nice if he had let you know and talked to you about it before he added his ex. (But maybe he planned on talking to you...who knows.)

    In general, just remember - it is ok to have feelings, but just because you have them doesn't make them right or accurate. It is always better to talk through how you feel with your partner than to get mad and make assumptions about who is right and wrong.

    In short: Communicate! Do it often, do it calmly, do it honestly, do it considerately, and don't make assumptions about who is "right" and who is "wrong".
     
  11. Austin

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    Thanks for all the replies. I'll respond to them later because I'm leaving right now but just wanted to say thanks for your input everyone. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Paul_UK

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    Thinking rationally you probably did over-react a bit. But I would most likely have reacted the same way as I can be quite possessive and jealous.

    The best thing to do is to discuss it with him, explain why you reacted as you did, and listen to what he has to say too. If you understand each other's positions better I'm sure it will become much less of an issue.