Bare with me as I ramble and sort this out. Today, I am lost and confused. Today, I am feeling quite off, and wondering if rescheduling my therapy session to after I get back from travelling was a good move. Oh well. Anyway, last year, my husband and I had a fling with this woman and I will call her X. It was another attempt for my husband to have a conditioned open relationship - conditioned meaning it is done his way, and he expects me to agree with it. . . We are working on our issues and it is still in progress. We have our off days, and I certainly have my days where I am going to go insane. Yesterday, X messaged me and we started chatting. It was like we had been talking the whole time, even though it has been many months since I had any contact with her. I feel alive when I am talking to her. But I need to make sure that if we are going to rekindle anything, I will be ok with it. That I am ready for it. I know what I want with a woman, and it is complicated with the baggage that I have - a husband, children. I want to live authentically. But I feel there is a conflict. I do love my husband, and am willing to sacrifice myself to maintain a healthy marriage. It may help to accept the fact that I may never have a woman in my life. But at the same time, I feel incomplete putting off any chance of even conversing with one. Will fulfilling lust satisfy the part of me that needs a woman? My fear is that she'll end up being toxic, because the first woman I have ever known ended up being toxic and I am glad to say that we don't have any contact. My fear is that internalized homophobia will return. Maybe it has. I don't know where I fit anymore. I do know that my faith is very important, and I know that my God has everything under His control. And I know that He does not make any mistakes, and when He made me, it was no mistake. I will not deny my faith. It does feel right when I hold a woman. It does feel right.