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Rekindle a fling or not. . .

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mystic flower, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. Mystic flower

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    Bare with me as I ramble and sort this out. Today, I am lost and confused. Today, I am feeling quite off, and wondering if rescheduling my therapy session to after I get back from travelling was a good move. Oh well.
    Anyway, last year, my husband and I had a fling with this woman and I will call her X. It was another attempt for my husband to have a conditioned open relationship - conditioned meaning it is done his way, and he expects me to agree with it. . .
    We are working on our issues and it is still in progress. We have our off days, and I certainly have my days where I am going to go insane.
    Yesterday, X messaged me and we started chatting. It was like we had been talking the whole time, even though it has been many months since I had any contact with her. I feel alive when I am talking to her. But I need to make sure that if we are going to rekindle anything, I will be ok with it. That I am ready for it. I know what I want with a woman, and it is complicated with the baggage that I have - a husband, children. I want to live authentically. But I feel there is a conflict. I do love my husband, and am willing to sacrifice myself to maintain a healthy marriage. It may help to accept the fact that I may never have a woman in my life. But at the same time, I feel incomplete putting off any chance of even conversing with one. Will fulfilling lust satisfy the part of me that needs a woman? My fear is that she'll end up being toxic, because the first woman I have ever known ended up being toxic and I am glad to say that we don't have any contact.
    My fear is that internalized homophobia will return. Maybe it has. I don't know where I fit anymore. I do know that my faith is very important, and I know that my God has everything under His control. And I know that He does not make any mistakes, and when He made me, it was no mistake. I will not deny my faith.

    It does feel right when I hold a woman. It does feel right.
     
  2. SoulSearch

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    Are you hoping to stay in your marriage and have an open relationship with a woman on your own, or are you wanting a polyamorous relationship with her and your husband, or are you thinking of leaving your husband? Sounds like there are a lot of complexities involved.

    I'm married to a man (for 20+ years) and have fallen in love with a woman. It's very hard. I am overjoyed at the prospects for my new relationship and I've taken steps to end my marriage, but the end of the marriage is devastating to me. I'm horrible at controlling my feelings and I'm not sure what I'd do differently, but unless you think you can make your marriage and a relationship with X work at the same time and that be OK with everyone, I'd suggest being free before you get involved with a woman.

    Honestly, I'd love it if I could somehow balance both relationships, but it is so difficult. She is pulling my heart one direction and my husband/children are pulling it the other. Having it all is not an option. I'm in constant limbo and it's painful. I don't wish this on anyone.
     
  3. Mystic flower

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    I am sorry you are having a difficult time, SoulSearch. Honestly, at this time, I don't know how it could work. X is in a relationship, and has children, too. I had made a decision to keep my marriage, and no intentions of leaving. It does seem to be that I want a ployamorous relationship. How it could work with us is not clear, my husband and I have not come into common grounds of how a woman can fit into our lives. He has made it clear what he wants, and I have not had the heart to tell him that I do not agree. If we keep working on this aspect of our relationship, then maybe we'll eventually make something work. I do want it all. I know it is very difficult, especially living in an isolated community of 2700, majority of people who are homophobic.
     
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  4. SoulSearch

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    Tough spot for sure. I hope you can both figure out what will work for you. I live in a small rural town too, so I hear you on that! Mine's 9,000 though, so bigger than yours, but still not a ton of options out there.
     
  5. Mystic flower

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    I am finally connected again. I decided not to go down that road. Funny how things come along, not too long after letting go of X, the first woman I have ever known wanted to reconnect with me. As much as I miss her, I do recognize that she is still toxic for me. With the love-hate type of relationship we had, she lost my trust. She took so much from me, and I am sure I took something from her as relationships goes both ways. But at the same time she gave me the power to end the abuse in my marriage. I'll be forever thankful for that, but the pain that comes from our relationship outweighs the good. What got me to discard her message was that she reminded me that I am not disposable. . . I have not felt like that in a very long time, and I would rather not go back to what broke me or all the therapy would have been a waste.
     
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