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REGRET

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tsean, Jan 13, 2018.

  1. tsean

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    I am beginning to regret coming out. I came out to my wife 1.5 years ago and over that time came out to everyone. I am still married and feel I have ruined my wife's life. I love her with all my heart and she loves me unconditionally. I am 56 years old and trying to begin again. Afraid I am too late to the party. I am not looking for hookups, I am looking for someone to have a relationship with and wake up with. I think I really fucked up everything.
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    Hi,

    Welcome to EC, where you'll find a community of people who can support you on your journey.

    Let me begin by saying that it's not too late! You can get what you want - a loving relationship with another man that will make you feel whole and complete.

    Can you say more about why you feel regret about coming out? it sounds like you haven't found love yet, which is causing you to doubt your decision to come out.
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Jan 13, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
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  3. quebec

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    tsean...Hi and welcome to empty closets. I think that I understand a lot of what you are feeling. I remember my first EC post very clearly. I was in the middle of a terrible crisis over my sexuality. Empty closets quite literally saved me and kept me going for the first year after I accepted myself. It was a full year after I came out here on EC before I came out to anyone else. I am also married, and by coincidence I too came out to my wife a year and a half ago. Things have not always been easy but we have managed to work it out. When I came out I was 64 and we had been married for 37 years. I don't think that we are typical as we have chosen to stay together. I have made the decision not to be with another guy...not that I wouldn't like to, if the situation were different. In spite of the choice I have made to stay in a mixed-orientation marriage, I too think about what it would be like to wake up in the morning cuddled up to my boyfriend. So, I guess the best I can say for now is, hang in there, don't second-guess yourself. You have chosen to honest with yourself and your wife. No matter the outcome, that honesty will bear fruit that will make your life better. It may take some time and some changes in how you live, but there are a lot of us out there who have hidden for a long time and are just now realizing that we can be who we want to be...who we have always been. YOU BE YOU! ....David
     
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  4. tsean

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    We have chosen to stay together until we can't. She has opened the relationship. I have not found love yet...and she keeps insisting that she wants me to find someone and fall in love, but then she tells me she is afraid to end up alone. It tears me apart. I have dated a couple guys and had a great time....and as much as I want to wake up with a guys next to me, it terrifies me to fall in love......I don't want to hurt her...yet she wants it for me.....I am so conflicted
     
  5. tsean

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    I
    I regret what it has done to my wife - she is so giving and I feel like I am being so selfish!


    don't know if everyone sees all replays, so here is what I posted on the other response I received:

    We have chosen to stay together until we can't. She has opened the relationship. I have not found love yet...and she keeps insisting that she wants me to find someone and fall in love, but then she tells me she is afraid to end up alone. It tears me apart. I have dated a couple guys and had a great time....and as much as I want to wake up with a guys next to me, it terrifies me to fall in love......I don't want to hurt her...yet she wants it for me.....I am so conflicted
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Yes, everyone sees all replies - except when you post to Ask The Staff, which are private discussions between you and the Empty Closets staff.

    Feeling selfish and guilty are common experiences for gay men who come out to a straight spouse. When we went into the closet or denial about our sexuality, we ignored our own needs and did what was expected from family or society because we heard homophobic messages growing up, that being gay is wrong or sinful. We developed the habit of putting ourselves last and not honoring ourselves. We may not recognize or acknowledge that we are victims of the homophobic messages we heard growing up that made us want to deny our sexuality in order to conform to societal norms.

    Part of the coming out process is dismantling our faux self and recognizing that valuing our need for love of another man is not selfish but rather reclaiming ourselves. We've spent too much time discounting our own needs that sometimes it feels selfish when we are merely standing up for our right to be who we are. There's nothing inherently selfish in that, though I understand that it feels selfish since you've denied your sexuality for many decades.

    As for your wife, she seems equally conflicted. She appears to be giving and wants what's best for you, and yet she's holding you emotional hostage by saying that she's afraid of ending up alone, which feeds into your feelings of guilt and being selfish. If you were to divorce, she would be free to date and find love. You are stuck because you've equated your own happiness with hurting your wife. It's too late to avoid hurting your wife, so the real decision is how do you minimize the hurt in a way that honors yours
    needs.

    While you both have the best intentions of trying not to hurt the other, it seems to me that the opposite is happening. You are prolonging the hurt because you are not ready to make a clean break. You both deserve love in a relationship that's aligned with your sexual orientation. Hopefully what I've written gives you an outside perspective that allows you to think about how you can think about or approach things differently to move beyond the conflict that you feel.
     
    #6 SiennaFire, Jan 14, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2018
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  7. SiennaFire

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    A few minor edits to my previous post.
    Yes, everyone sees all replies - except when you post to Ask The Staff, which are private discussions between you and the Empty Closets staff.

    Feeling selfish and guilty are common experiences for gay men who come out to a straight spouse. When we went into the closet or denial about our sexuality, we ignored our own needs and did what was expected from family or society because we heard homophobic messages growing up, that being gay is wrong or sinful. We developed the habit of putting ourselves last and not honoring ourselves. We may not recognize or acknowledge that we are victims of the homophobic messages we heard growing up that made us want to deny our sexuality in order to conform to societal norms.

    Part of the coming out process is dismantling our faux self and recognizing that valuing our need for love of another man is not selfish but rather reclaiming ourselves. We've spent too much time discounting our own needs that sometimes it feels selfish when we are merely standing up for our right to be who we are. There's nothing inherently selfish in that, though I understand that it feels selfish since you've denied your sexuality for many decades.

    As for your wife, she seems equally conflicted. She appears to be giving and wants what's best for you, and yet she's holding you emotional hostage by saying that she's afraid of ending up alone, which feeds into your feelings of guilt and being selfish. If you were to divorce, she would be free to date and find love. You are stuck because you've equated your own happiness with hurting your wife. It's too late to avoid hurting your wife, so the real decision is how do you minimize the hurt in a way that honors your needs?

    While you both have the best intentions of trying not to hurt the other, it seems to me that the opposite is happening. You are prolonging the hurt because you are not ready to make a clean break. You both deserve love in a relationship that's aligned with your sexual orientation. Hopefully what I've written gives you an outside perspective that allows you to think about or approach things differently to move beyond the conflict that you feel.
     
    #7 SiennaFire, Jan 14, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2018
    Sundara likes this.