Reflections on the last two months of learning to accept that I'm gay

So, two months ago, the fact that I'm attracted to women hit me with a bombshell. By far it wasn't the first time I'd ever thought about it; the thought of being gay passed through me head more times than I can count, especially in the last few years. But I finally looked at it honestly the end of May instead of shoving it down.

It's been a roller coaster worthy of Six Flags! :icon_bigg The first week was full of frantic googling: how do I know if I'm a lesbian, is being gay wrong (I'm a Christian), do straight people ever question whether or not they are gay, are there "causes" for homosexuality, and so much more. The first two weeks were immensely disorienting. I wanted to deny it, even thought "I will just make up my mind that I'm straight, and that will be the end of it!" But I knew I couldn't. I knew there was no way I could deny what I was feeling. But the feelings of disorientation were mixed with a feeling of relief: "Maybe it all makes sense. Maybe I've never really wanted the "marriage and kids" thing because to me and my world, it meant a man. Maybe I'm not just weird. There's actually a reason for why I feel so different from other (straight) women sometimes." Those feelings of relief were a surprise to me.

During that first week, I found EC while googling gay forums. I immediately became an EC stalker. A week later, I joined so I could start posting and maybe find answers to some really pressing questions. I soon discovered I wasn't alone and was drawn to the debate and openness and acceptance I found here.

Barely two weeks after first honestly beginning my questioning, I told one of my best friends that I was questioning my sexuality. She also happens to be my crush, so admitting that I'm wondering if I'm gay felt a bit scary, but I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't admit it to someone. And since we tell each other nearly everything....At that point, I knew I had a crush on her, which was one main thing that made me even honestly admit to myself that I might not be straight. Telling her I'm questioning made me be honest with myself about my attraction to her. Still have the crush, and she's been on a trip for a month, and I miss her dreadfully! At this point, I don't plan on telling her about my crush as I'm 99% certain she is straight. If I thought we had any chance, I might tell her, just for the opportunity to explore a girl relationship.

The disorientation has simmered down to background noise by now, two months into this journey of discovery about myself. I'm not doing the denial thing anymore. Just being straight wouldn't cut it for me, or work if I tried. I'm finally able to say it out loud to myself and my therapist: I'm attracted to women, and I don't think I can change that even if I wanted to. The important thing is, I'm not afraid to admit this to myself anymore. The first few weeks, I felt a lot of pure terror, that this just can't be happening to me! But not anymore. I’ve accepted the truth, and that feels good.

And it’s been kinda fun to let myself check out women now. I always did that, but with a lot of sneak glances, intense discomfort, and scolding of myself. Okay, I’m still not obvious about it, but I’m not afraid to look anymore or admit to myself when I think a girl is cute or beautiful or “my type.” In fact, I’ve come alive sexually in a way I never was. Because I was always scared of my sexuality, I shut it all down, whether it was gay or straight attractions. Now, I’m beginning to embrace it. I feel alive. And I like that.

I still don’t know for certain whether I’m bisexual or all the way lesbian. I know I’m attracted to women, and I’m fairly certain I’m attracted to men as well. At least, I notice when they are handsome or cute or nice and sometimes fantasize about a particularly good looking guy. But I’ve never been able to see myself in a long term relationship with one. On the other hand, imagining a long term relationship with a woman fills me with longing and loneliness and sadness that I’m currently single in a way that the idea of a long term relationship with a guy never did. And fantasizing about women? Way better! :icon_wink But at this point, I’ve decided not to stress about it, and not rush to find a label. If I really had to give myself a specific label, at the moment, I’d say I’m bisexual with a preference for women, but it’s way too early for me to have it all figured out. I simply know for certain that I’m “not straight.” The rest will come when it’s supposed to come.

What about the whole coming out thing? I did tell a few other good friends recently that I’m questioning my sexuality, and the awkward silence that followed my announcement made me wish I hadn’t said anything. They didn’t know how to respond. They didn’t condemn me; they just simply didn’t say anything! My comment became the elephant in the living room that they wouldn’t talk about afterward, even when I tried to bring it up in round-about ways. Argghh! I come from a very conservative environment, so I wasn’t totally surprised. But I did expect more caring than that!

At this point, I’m not ready to come out to anyone else. I’m not far enough in my discovery of who I am to even consider that. I still don’t know how to reconcile being a Christian and being gay. Plus, family, church, and acquaintances would mostly disown me aside from a core support group of closest friends if I decided to be openly lesbian. Since I’m not geographically or relationally that close to most of my family, my emotional survival isn’t tied to them, thankfully. But my life would significantly change, and at the moment, I’m not ready for that.

The next place I’d like this roller coaster to land me would be connections with LGBT+ people in my community. Not for romantic relationships. Not sure I’m ready for that. Instead, I’d like to talk to people who have been there and get it and whom I can be myself with. Still not sure how to go about it, and it kinda scares me. But sometime, yeah. I hope so.

But this place of internal honesty and quiet acceptance of my sexuality is a good place to be for now. I’m glad to be here, and eager to see where the roller coaster takes me in the next few months.

 

They've always been amazing and supportive through some other tough stuff in my life. I've never questioned their friendship. They've been there in every way for me. But as they believe being gay isn't even an option, a terrible sin, actually, I guess they reacted out of their beliefs, not out of our friendship. At this point, I've just admitted the possibility of the orientation for me to those friends, not even seriously thinking about ever dating a woman. And they've not even been okay with that bare admittance mentioned in passing, so yeah, the rest would blow their minds if I'd ever seriously consider that. And even though I try to tell myself otherwise, 99% of my world, even my closest, supporting, amazing friends would react the same way, I think, even to the admittance of it. It's not okay to even consider the idea that you might be gay in my world. I don't even want to think about my family's reaction! So yep, I'm kinda screwed.

Part of me just wants to tell the world about it, and "Screw you and what you think!" My relationship with my family has always been really rocky, and they've not been there for me when it really mattered. So doing something so drastic would be like thumbing my nose at them. The part of me that is really rebellious by times would love that! The part of me that has common sense knows I'd better keep my mouth shut for the time being as every support I've ever known from my closest friends would disappear into thin air. While I know that that in itself is not a reason to keep quiet about anything--I've built my life from the ground up after other devastating stuff before and survived--I also know it's not a step to take lightly.

Thanks for your kindness and your words of of wisdom. I know. That reaction told me I'd better pick my times and announcements and friends a little more wisely. If that means keeping quiet for now, especially to most of my world, that's okay.