So, pretty much since the day my girlfriend broke up with me, I’ve been thinking that this is the path that my daughter and I were supposed to be on from the start, us on our own, making our life with separate homes for myself and her dad, but still a strong family. Me having freedom to explore and see where I want my life to go. Both of us healing and moving forward. And that feeling keeps getting stronger day by day. I’ve noticed that, while my daughter is definitely feeling hurt and struggle with losing the boys and with no longer being in that home together, she seems to be doing fairly well in some ways. She has also been showing how bonded she feels to myself and her dad, which makes me think maybe this decision was the best for her in so many ways. I have told her about the breakup, just Saturday, and she has been taking that well and not well in spurts. For myself, I’m feeling really good actually. I mean, I am feeling a lot of emotion for my daughter’s sake; and I am dealing with loads of stressful decisions and needs related to our housing and my visa application and money, but I know we will get that all sorted. We’re f*ing strong, me and my daughter, we’ll be ok. As far as like relationship wise and self wise though I feel really really good about the break up. I’m kind of excited to meet people, all casual for a long long time, but I’m basically scoping out all the meet-ups, I’m planning nights out in my head for meeting and having some fun with women at gay clubs, and already fleshing out my profile on dating sites. I can’t wait to basically explore and enjoy and embrace my sexuality properly and to have fun with women. I’m really in a good place in my life now I realise. A stressful and challenging place but a good place. This is where I should have been 2 years ago, and I will make the most of it. I already have had someone kiss me on Friday night by the way, but she’s a friend and we’ve decided to stay friends for loads of reasons. But basically once she knew I was single (I told her that night), when we all ended up dancing, she pulled me in for a kiss and told me she’s been crushing on me for a while . I’m pretty chuffed. I’m gonna love this single life.
Wow, that's fantastic. im so happy for you and your daughter. on that note she may go back and forth for a bit till things settle out in her mind. first kiss 'eh? nice have fun girl you deserve it.
This morning I was feeling a bit badly, because I called her behaviour over the last year what it is, I said it’s been abusive; specifically the things she’s done that has made me feel vulnerable for myself and my daughter in having a home, and in our stay in the country. It’s clear abuse, and I called it what it is. She tried to invalidate me and it really pushed me to another low for a short time. Then I realised.... this is all she had to do make me feel free. I mean she has been this person right to the end.
When my relationship ended, I said the same things to myself. I said how I was better off, how I can get out and meet people and how I probably should not have rushed into a relationship to begin with. The reality is, I was hurting immensely from the break up. I felt as if I failed to maintain a commitment I made regardless of who’s fault it was that it ended. I was scared of being alone and uncertain about what the future would hold. I went through the phases of grieving until I reached the point of acceptance. Once I reached acceptance, I also reached a state of indifference towards my former partner. The process certainly reminded me of the breakup from my wife all over again, however not as prolonged. I am telling you this so you appreciate a) your not alone in what your going through and b) have patience and take the time to process what your going through. There is no need to rush nor convince yourself of anything. Just let your emotions take their natural course. When you do, you will find the light at the end of the tunnel and really be able to move one with your life.
I have already refreshed my profile on dating/ networking sites too. At this stage it is about feeling hope for the future and developing a stronger support network. I'm not ready to go headlong into a new relationship, but I'd like to branch out and meet a few gay women. I want to socialise. Hopefully some of them might become friends over time and maybe one day I will meet someone special again. Someone's invited me for coffee and I'm chatting to a few women and hoping I might get invited along to something!
I know you’re right, I know I’m masking a lot of pain; i can feel underneath my protective layer there’s some deep pain happening, but I don’t want to face that right now. I will when I’m ready. Also all these things I’m saying are still true, I am better off, this is the better path, I shouldn’t have rushed in and now I have the chance to do what I should have done from the start. And while my ex is a good person underneath all her issues, she was pretty horrendous to me and my daughter. And even if she had been the most amazing partner, there were also more minor incompatibilities that I’m kind of glad I don’t have to have in my partner anymore. I’m certain all of that is true, even though there is a deep sadness that I’m sort of shutting off right now.
That’s awesome peterpangirl, I’m glad you’re making steps. I hope the coffee goes well and that these things help you feel like you’re moving forward.
It's a massive step leaving someone , then setting up a new home. It's harder when children are involved. I'm struggling with the emotional baggage. We won't to be good friends but it's all raw at the moment.... Wishing you luck, you're come along way and must feel empowered. I attend LGBT groups and have a few new friends.....
Alright... so something has happened which has motivated me to let out a little emotion and it seemed to help... so I’m going to do that a little here. First I’ll just give background. I was texting with my ex, she was saying a lot of things and I responded to clear things up, and then she said something that made everything inside me turn upside down a little. I had told her I’m not sleeping. She said I wish I could hold you and help you sleep. I couldn’t think for like 15 min so I couldn’t write what I wanted , and then finally I said, I miss you too, I love you too. And i also said that doesn’t change all of my decisions, it’s just the truth. I explained also that when we speak I’m not being cold to her, that I need to behave without emotion, I need to be present for my daughter, and make decisions that feel right, so I’ve not been letting any emotion in. Then I started crying, sobbing. And I felt... good afterwards, clearer, calmer. So I’m going to say a couple things here. Her body and my body, they felt like they were meant to be pressed together, her lips, her face. I do miss her. I imagine being with another woman, and I wonder if I could ever feel all the incredible things I felt with her. I also think could anyone ever really love me. This one I mean in the sense that I trusted her so much and she betrayed me so much. I don’t know if I could ever let anyone in. Of course I do know I will move forward, open up, love, find fulfilment. But the way she made me feel... it was.. so fucking powerful. I dreamed about a life with her, I was building a life with her. Ok I think that’s all the emotion I want to let out now. It’s good to do it. But I think I can only do small doses.
I have similar feelings. Bodies meant to be pressed together...I get that. Dreaming of holding hands in old age...I felt that. Even though I know I shouldn't go there I still think of her and want to touch her. I cannot imagine how I would feel that close to another again. I try to keep hope. Because honestly I was made to be in a good woman's arms and to share life with a woman.
first of all a good cry is cathartic. I had a couple after I split from my ex. and yes she was abusive too but I had a whole life lived and planned with her. so a good cry is great self care. so is facing those emotions that we, too often bottle up. I know that you are strong enough to stand alone for you and your daughter. and you will love again, it's your nature, so id say date, have fun, be present in the moment with new people, and as much as you can, shed the ghost of your ex, it'll take time though. Hugs.
<3 <3 we’re both going to find love someday and it will be beautiful. I’m sure of it. ....I’m not always feeling sure of it, but I know it on a deep level.
I’m letting more and more emotion out and it does feel like it’s good for me. Yesterday, we officially officially broke up; I think of our break up as happening 15th Oct when she started everything by breaking up with me, followed by kicking us out. But I think I mentioned before that,when she started asking for me back, I decided to think things through and then finally a little more than a week ago I said I wanted to be on a break. Last night we talked and I officially broke up with her. It was so painful. I was really honest with her, I told how much I miss and love her but I knew this was the right decision. I kind of want to write down what I mean by that because I don’t think she quite understood what I mean, it seems she had the understanding that I know this is right for my daughter but I wish we could make it work. I tried to clarify, but anyway... What I feel is this: I am deeply in love with her, even after all of this, it hurts and I miss her deeply. I don’t feel anything different for her than I always have. Well I do feel differently in terms of trust which effectively shut down all my affection for her but I mean that I still desire and want and feel in love with her as much as ever, I still care for her as a person, and care about her needs and feelings. But I know this is the right decision. For my daughter and me. I think maybe what she says is true, maybe it’s true that she’s been shaken from the worst of the grief, maybe that means she would always be making love to me, showing me love, making me feel special etc. from now on. But... I feel like, regardless of where everything has come from, regardless of grief making her behave in such fucked up ways, she is still the person who made those decisions. And it indicates something on a deep level about what she’s capable of, and about how she sees me and my daughter as people. She has never loved us properly, has shown that at least in extreme circumstances she can neglect our basic needs, and not have enough consideration for our needs, and not have enough consideration that certain actions can deeply hurt us or put us in a really detrimental position. She was very careless with our vulnerabilities. She was saying something about how there wouldn’t be any risk because I have created boundaries to account for that. But I think what has happened is that her actions have indicated something really troubling about how she views us. I don’t know if I’m articulating this well, it all made more sense in my head. I suppose what I’m saying is I don’t know if I can love someone who has done such wrong to me. I love her still but that love has been so damaged and broken now. And that I can’t have someone present in my life who was willing to treat me the way she has. It’s gone too far, she’s done too much. Anyway... I’m still trying to sort it all out in my head. But I know this is the right choice.
hun, you articulated that perfectly. and sorting it all out is something that will take time. I don't know all the ins and outs of what she's done but you do and you are the best person to make this decision. hugs.
