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Reflections on attraction and purpose

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by John C89, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. John C89

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    Hello y'all!
    Last time I was here, I posted about depression....how I was feeling after the breakup with my now ex-girlfriend, and the difficult times on doing pretty much anything in life....things got a little better since then, and I'm glad I can share some good news on this! Thank you all for helping me EC, you are such amazing and wonderful people!!
    But now....other issues are striking me, and are getting me paralyzed on my path of understanding myself, who I really am, and many other things...
    Guys, I've been walking on circles.... I know I'm very likely gay, I have urges when barely thinking about guys way stronger than I ever had for women. And for some awkward reason, Im still dating and kissing women sometimes....and I'm finding then beautiful, smart, wonderful, keep myself thinking on them, and their personalities, in such a way I can never imagine doing for a guy!! I don-t know if I was so brainwashed all my life into believing I was straight, or how girls are supposed to be attractive, and good at seduction, and men are just some shallow jerks incapable of seducing like women.... that I feel I can't embrace my gayness. I don't know how to change my mind on this, or how to see guys differently. I've met so may gay guys, in different ways, different personalities....but none of them caught my attention, or was so provocative in a way only women seem capable of being....I don't know why I feel like this, why things are this way....I'm really going anywhere having all those feelings and thoughts....
    Plus, when I think about a happy moment in my life, there's always this happy cute girl hugging me, dancing with me, teeling me how amazing I'm, in a friendly way....it never involves guys. Why I feel this way toward men and women....and why I feel I can't change it, despite my obvious subconscious desires for guys that made myself realize I was gay, some years ago??
    I really want some help on this abd don't even know what should be my next steps. I'm also really f***king scared about everything, I can barely make a move to get more intimate with guys...
     
    #1 John C89, Oct 6, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2019
  2. justaguyinsf

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    Personally speaking, I never once had to force myself to feel like I wanted to do things with men ... it was much more the opposite of holding myself back. I would more have to force myself to do things with women, although even then it was not the struggle that you describe. Why not just go with whatever feels comfortable and satisfying for you without such a struggle?
     
    #2 justaguyinsf, Oct 6, 2019
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  3. John C89

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    Hey justaguyinsf, thank you so much for your response. I can see your point, I do not disagree with it...but here's the thing:
    I know Im gay bc when my sex urges for guys came to surface, they were so strong it was impossible to keep denying it. But it came out of the blue, so I was not capable of dealing with it, it was hard...now I do realize I have to explore it, but I don't know how. It's like my sex drive happens with guys I dont like....but when I try thinking about guys I may find beautiful or cute, nothing happens.....at the same time, it's hard for me to not think about the contrast between the what I perceive about girls x what I perceive about guys...I know this is really stereotypical. But I don't know how to get out of it.... I want to understand it a little more
     
    #3 John C89, Oct 7, 2019
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  4. justaguyinsf

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    I have a feeling you're trying to intellectually understand something that is just not understandable in that way. If you're attracted to someone or one or the other (or both) genders then that is about as far as the "understanding" goes. To learn more about yourself and your attractions I think you then need to start doing rather than thinking, that is, acting on your attractions whether it involves flirting, dating, having sex, etc., with whomever you feel attracted to.
     
  5. cjmiller

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    I've gone through all those same emotions thinking I was bi and only wanted sex with men and loved the company of women. As soon as I admitted to myself I was gay those urges and attractions toward men hit me like a ton of bricks.
     
  6. John C89

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    Hey justaguyinsf! I see your point....but how can I go for what my urges/sex drive indicate, if I find the person ugly or disgusting? Thats what Im trying to figure out. Its like I could masturbate to it yet I find the person ugly, disgusting or something...its like feeling repulsed by old men, or bearded men with big noses, yet the desire shows up subconsciously...Does what Im talking make any sense?
     
  7. John C89

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    Hey cjmiller, thanks for your response. The thing seems to be much crazier than it....what I feel is something related to : I like the way many girls smell, I hate beards, I find they are more beautiful because women's features are more delicate, harmonic, soft, whereas men are more brute, big noses.... And I think like this, having strong urges for the very men I find ugly. This is driving me crazy, because I feel I can't act on my drive because I feel disgusted and also I want to be with someone I like the looks, not someone my sex organ decides.... I feel really sad because Im going nowhere and dont know what to do about it anymore... :frowning2: :'(
     
  8. bbyfetus

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    in my opinion, i feel like you should make use of your time to think deeper, how different would it feel if you had a relationship with a guy and focus on what you would like about their personality and not their physical bodies because if you rush into this i feel like it'll affect the way you think of men. Take it slow, if it feels right then by all means have at it, but if it doesn't then the choice is really up to you if you want to wait again or rethink about what you want.
     
  9. JaymzR1968

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    Hi @ John C89! I’m understand what you are going though is difficult and confusing. And please, do not take anything I say here as an insult or demeaning in anyway - that is truly not where this is coming from, and I have the best intentions in my heart, please believe that- I hope that by sharing some of my past struggles and experiences with very similar issues will help you view this through different lenses and shift your paradigm towards a more self accepting and aware “state of mind”.

    I have come to view and feel that sexuality is in fact FLUID. I feel that learning who you are in that sense happens organically and cannot be forced. The varying steps or stages happen for everyone but at different times along the way - there is not official outline and schedule in existence, and feelings for men or women or both are not mandated by a label (either self imposed or placed upon you by society). Sexuality or “preferences/orientation” not a neat and tidy little box that everything fits in perfectly, it’s not an all or nothing, it’s (for me at least - but I do think it holds some truth for others as well) just one single aspect of my entire self, that as a whole is in constant motion.

    I didn’t “learn” about my sexuality until later in life as well. I was 36 when I finally fully accepted that I am gay after (won’t bore everyone with the details). It took some time to understand why I still had some random, yet strong, desires and connections to women as well - given that I had been married to a woman for 13 years and have three wonderful daughters, it didn’t freak me out or surprise me. It was more of a “I wonder why since I know I’m gay” type of thing. I’ve since accepted that my past desires/attractions, etc still play a role in who I am and no longer question myself if I happen to find a woman attractive (which I will admit, even though I am happily gay and seeing men only, it still happens on occasion - especially if she has dark hair, light skin, and some great tattoos lol - so basically Selene from Underworld with tattoos) but I don’t question it either.

    I think you are placing too much emphasis on the outward definition of “ being gay” and not trusting your heart and physical urges - don’t draw a line in the sand. When I first started becoming aware of my desire to be with men I felt similar things as well - I wasn’t conciously
     
    Cashew, KJmusical and brainwashed like this.
  10. JaymzR1968

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    Sorry got cut off...

    I wasn’t consciously able to be attracted to a man (his looks etc.) but when I thought about sex, that’s when it felt different. I couldn’t at the time see myself in a “relationship” with a man either...but the more I grew and learned about ME and not what was expected of me by other, I started to grow more comfortable in my own skin and on my mind. Like is said in the above post - let it happen organically. You’re not on a schedule, and I do honestly feel that feelings, desires, sexuality etc is fluid and does not follow any logical rules or patterns. Go with it - learn from it - enjoy the journey and the scenery along the way. ✌❤️
     
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  11. justaguyinsf

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    It makes sense if you mean you find certain sex acts unappealing even though you are attracted to the person. I think that's pretty normal and in my experience what I am interested in doing with a particular man depends a lot on the man, the moment, and the chemistry. But to be attracted to someone and then say you find them ugly or disgusting is inherently contradictory. They may not be the aesthetic ideal, but it's what turns you on. Or are you saying you find all men disgusting or ugly? If so, it sounds like you're merely (and reasonably) intimidated about trying out something that is new and different (also pretty common and normal). Either way, the key is to enjoy your sexual attractions (regardless of arbitrary standards like "ugly" or "disgusting") to the extent you are comfortable ... I doubt that pondering something that is not a logic problem but simply a matter of preference and physical attraction is going to provide much clarity.
     
  12. brainwashed

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    A little math. Human sexuality is NOT ABSOLUTE. Reference the bell shaped curve via the link below. There are a lot of people who are in the middle and 1 SD (standard deviation) away from the mean. (center on the curve) 2 SD even more people, but not as much as near the mean.

    Disclaimer I have not read the article the bell shaped curve is in, but hey it looks like an interesting read.

    Now for the human side. I determine I am gay by history, who I've been attracted to young, in my case since ~6 years old. Who I deeply feel I want to be with. Who I am the most happy with and trust the most. And lastly what gender turns my head in public - aka who's butt to I check out. I've stopped trying to "figure it all out" ahead of time.

    https://medium.com/@PeterHolmes/my-theory-of-human-sexuality-c5135b1e84cf
     
  13. JaymzR1968

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    These three things stood out the most in my eyes, and really ring true for me. Human (and that’s the key word on all this) sexuality is definitely not an absolute - even trying to put a finite definition on any aspect of this side of human behavior is an effort in futility. Yes, “genetically” (maybe not the best word to use, but my vocabulary depth is failing me at the moment so let’s just go with it) the “parts we’re born with”, that we come out of the womb with, are the only black & white, “a or b” facts...BUT soon after our consciousness begins to evolve and our perceptions of the world change and take shape and become our own. So much so that often the “parts we’re born with” no longer define us and who we are as human beings, no more than does our eye color, or skin color, or other labels that others/those outside of our own bodies unjustly place on us.

    But after all that crap - it boils down to the fact that we are the only ones who can know, learn, determine, realize, or accept OUR sexuality. That’s what it is, it’s OURS - nobody else’s. Don’t exhaust the energy trying to fit into somebody else’s vision or definition of what “x, y, or z” means. Because it only means that to them.

    ❤️
     
    #13 JaymzR1968, Oct 12, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2019
  14. PatrickUK

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    Actually, it could make sense John C89.

    Would you say the guys you are sexually drawn to is pretty much as you described above? Old men... bearded men with big noses, guys you find ugly and somewhat repellent. Is this typical of what's turning you on and what you are reacting to in a sexual way?

    Do you ever think about or look at younger, slimmer and smoother men who are clean shaven with more delicate features? In other words, slightly softer men who are closer in stature to the women you continue to date but feel no deeper connection to. If the answer is no, why do you suppose that might be? Is it possible you are consciously, or subconsciously blocking or suppressing thoughts about guys like these in order to avoid the bigger issue of your sexuality? I would suggest it is a possibility and something you may wish to explore more closely.