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Rediscovering self while trying to minimize collateral damage

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Nikka, Jun 20, 2020.

  1. Nikka

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    I am a married female in my early 40s.
    My husband and I have 2 children in the early double digits.
    In the last couple years, I have come to realize that I don't think my current husband is my lifelong partner.
    I have always admired the beauty of women, but from a distance. I've mostly felt intimidated and not up to par. In the last few months, I have really had a hard look back at my last 40+ years and realized that there were several long moments where I had some real feelings for some of my girl friends.
    I've had some major changes in my life in the last 6 months, including developing a deeper connection with my best female friend. She is also in a long-term committed relationship with her female partner.
    My friend has seen me through many struggles over the last couple years and has been such a caregiver to my kids at the drop of a hat, when I ask her.
    Although I can say with great certainty, that I AM ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL, we have both agreed that nothing can happen for the sake of our families as well as risking losing one another forever in our beautiful friendship.
    She wants to offer support to me during this confusing time, but I can't let go of how I feel about her, long enough to even look into a future solution for my life going forward.
    With all these feelings I have been sorting through, I have come to the realization that I no longer feel physically attracted to my husband, and that I feel sexually and emotionally connected to women at this point in my life.
    I don't even know where to go from here.
    I have spoken to my doctor, who is trying to get me connected for some therapy, but it just feels like a forever wait.
    I have felt stressed, anxious, angry, sad and suicidal over these thoughts.

    Can someone please help guide me? I feel lost.
     
  2. Sph99

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    Hi @Nikka
    I’m new here and your story sounds just like mine. I find it very consuming, had to concentrate on anything but I’m trying to take some time and therapy to reach a decision on what to do.
    hope you find some help here, sorry I can’t offer more
     
  3. Nikka

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    Thank you for the support. As difficult as it is and that I would not wish this kind of confusion and guilt on anyone, it helps to know I am not alone in my scenario.
    I so look forward to starting counceling when available, and until then, I hope this platform can assist us both in the day to day.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    It’s really, really tough, but you’ve come to a good place. There are plenty of people here (including me) that are or have been in a similar situation. I would suggest that you look at the Later in Life section to find similar stories.

    I would recommend that you think about what you want and what you want your future to look like. When you have figured that out, make a plan to get there and start by taking baby steps.

    If you can, try to take your friend out of the picture, because even if something did happen, there’s no guarantee that it would work out. How does the prospect of still being with your husband (or any man) in 5, 10... years time feel? For me, it felt really dull and bleak. Would being single, and possibly truer to yourself, be preferable?

    It’s a decision that only you can make. I found therapy (and EC) helpful and I hope you will too.

    Take care.
     
    #4 LostInDaydreams, Jun 22, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2020
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC.

    It’s a big thing to process. I found it very consuming too. It’s tough, so be kind to yourself.

    When you’re ready, post more about how you’re feeling, typing it out can help to organise your thoughts.
     
  6. Nikka

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    Thank you Lost,

    This is a really really good suggestion.
    I have been writing just random feelings and thoughts as they come to mind, but placing some of this feelings in the context of a future blueprint sounds like it may start to make things feel more concrete and realistic.
    Most days I feel just "lost" - if I can borrow that word for a minute.
    I so appreciate your support.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    You’re welcome. :slight_smile:

    I understand. I’ve been there, hence the username. It’s hard, but there is a way through, impossible as it may feel right now.

    Keep posting.