Reconnecting with joy

Hi friends,


I’ve not been around in a while, but really wanted to update anyone who’s interested in my stuff...I’m feeling really, what’s the word to encompass where things are?... peaceful, joyful, lucky, full, positive, strong, vulnerable/naked - but in a way that’s sort of like, I have stripped myself of a lot of expectations and bared my soul to the world and I’m just going forward with a fresh start in my life, stronger, with confidence and a positive sense of self and my needs.


I know my last post was very bleak, and I want to get back to the really helpful, insightful responses that I wasn’t able to get back to at that point. (I’ll do that in the comments, may take me a few hours to do that though)


And if anyone’s interested, I’ll give a little context behind the last post and this one.


Basically - I was at a crashing point when I wrote that thread, a point of reckoning as well. There have been things happening in my life that I knew I needed to confront, and then also underneath that was this stress and pressure that were feeling overwhelming at that point. Honestly for the last 3 years I have not felt ok, I have been barely managing, just throwing myself forward with an instinct that i could be me, could be out, and can live a life where my sexuality and identity are nurtured, and I can also be a mum and a responsible person towards all of the people in my life who depend on me. But feeling like I was drowning all of the time.


But now - we’ll lets start with my relationship, because hats what I posted about last: I love my girlfriend, she’s incredible, she’s loving, she’s supportive and encouraging and kind and wonderful. But her grief has made all of that feel very muted. And as much as I love her, I realised there was no way I could go on in our relationship anymore the way it was going. I need things, and while I’m not going through grief, my needs are also strong and also valid. We had a talk, and another, and another and some crying, and I was honest, and so was she. And both of us have become much more attuned to *my* needs, but also still remembering her depth of grief and her needs for comfort and space and focus on particular things that help her get through the day. It feels pretty wonderful to have come through this process with her, and to build an expectation for open dialogue in our relationship and to assert my needs really strongly. Her response to my feelings was more than I could ever ask for and has reinstated my faith in our relationship. I feel this renewed strength in it because I know I am expressing a strength in my own sense of value in myself and also being vulnerable to her. I feel so lucky to have her. She is so good to me, and I know we can be strong for each other, support each other’s growth and each other’s needs. My lips melt on hers when we kiss, and making love to her feels powerful and incredible. I just feel....floaty thinking about her. She makes me so happy.


Life changing stuff- so another thing that was pressing down on me was 1, my divorce, 2, my relationship with my ex and worries that we couldn’t work together for my daughter, 3, staying in the damn country. The divorce is finally coming to a close, and I’ve done everything I can do to stay in the country with some additional bureaucratic pieces I’ll have to throw in from this point, both of those thing left me with that naked feeling of I’ve made my decisions, taken all the risks I need to take to live my life authentically, and that’s it; it’s time to just live this path, fuck it. I don’t really know how to articulate that better..


In terms of my ex and us working together... I think we’ve come to a fairly good place, @OnTheHighway said we need to reach a place of indifference. It feels like we sort of have, I don’t feel I need his permission or approval anymore, I know we may or may not be friends, I just want to work together to be ok for my daughter. He has met someone as well and I think he’s moving on emotionally. I’ve also since met with her (his new partner) and his dad came to visit recently... and it’s all just feeling real and sort of like this is my life and my new normal and it’s all fine, i mean it is what it is, it’s just my life. I mean that in the sense of I feel very neutral about everything when it comes to this path, I came out late I divorced and that’s just the way it is... if that makes any sense.


My daughter- I’ve been working my ass off trying to make sure my daughter is happy and secure. And making sure her relationship with her dad is nurtured. And I think I’m finally starting to see results. I feel like crying right now writing that down. Things between her and her dad seem really positive and she seems so relaxed and calm and happy about her life lately.


Life in our home as a blended family... has been feeling calmer, so that’s a massive plus. It makes it easier to think and have headspace when the kids are being ok.


And me, my identity - I feel really good about where I am in my life. Like really fucking good. I identify openly as a non binary lesbian, I live openly, I fight for our community daily, I work in a role that allows me to do that every day and it feels amazing. I am an unapologetic dyke, and I am so happy to be open about who I am. The other day in the club, another butch lesbian approached me and said - an actual dyke, and then she heavily came onto me. Everything about that interaction was... wonderful I told her I had a partner of course.


Anyway, I’m really happy friends. <3 <3 <3


I promise I’ll write responses to the old thread in my comments, really soon.

 

Hi peterpangirl, you’re moving forward in massive leaps! So you will get there! I think it was @SiennaFire that mentioned there will be a lot of closure when I get my divorce fully processed. And I think that’s really true; also part of it is getting to a place where you can start to let things go, fears, expectations, all the pressure you’ve put on yourself to move forward. I sort of reached a place like this about a year ago, where it felt like the dust was settling and I could stop and experience my life a bit. But then things changed when my partner’s ex died. Now I’m finally feeling like the *climbing slowly up a cliff hanging by the edge of my fingernails* feeling is starting to finally ease. You will get to a place where you can stop just a little and think about all the steps you’ve made and feel a bit more at peace, and most likely, joy and pride. it will happen!

 

I was feeling pretty badly for a bit <3 I didn’t know what to do or how I could move forward at all, but I feel so much better now. I think seeing my daughter happy makes everything else I need in my life feel possible, and I am able to have a clear perspective in what actions I need to take to do what I need to do.

And - you are such an inspiration to me!

 

Thank you mystic flower <3 I’m so lucky to have friends like you and others on this board looking out for me!!