Hello everyone, Thanks in advance for reading. I've read so many posts like the one I'm about to type, but it's time I made one of my own and got some feedback. Again, thank you in advance for responding. I'm 45 and have everything a married man could want: great house, career, success, etc. My wife is amazing and also very attractive, and I have three great kids. But despite this, I'm usually depressed, down, bored, feel a void, and need to abuse alcohol every weekend just to get by. I don't really fit in with other males and I don't have many friends. In fact, I've really never had a close relationship with a man. I've dealt with confusing orientation feelings my whole life, and I've always known this is why I'm bad socially, I'm different, and I'm not "one of the guys" if you will. I've known this is also why I've been unhappy, but it's gotten really bad lately to the point that I'm finally admitting to myself that my attraction to men and uncertainty about my sexuality has to be the overriding issue that is basically ruining me. What's confusing is that I'm still sexually attracted to my wife and I still enjoy sex with her. Two years ago, with the pressure bearing down on me, I broke down and admitted to my wife one of my biggest fantasies, but it was not being with a man. It was watching or knowing about her being with another man/men. After almost two years of discussion, she is not down for this. There were times when I thought she would be, and that thought made me very happy. But ultimately, that notion has died, and that conversely makes me very depressed (I'm not forcing her to try this, but I have nagged her a lot). I figured when I told here this she'd either do it or divorce me, but she's too good of a partner, so she's refused, and she wants to stick it out with me. I did include some bi-curious thoughts when I gave her my reasoning behind the cuckold fantasy, and I do think she suspects I might be bi-curious, but I don't think she puts a ton of weight into it because I'm always down for sex with her. I honestly don't know if this would have been enough to fill this void I have, but I sure as heck wanted to try in case it was. Also, by the way there's usually another male somehow involved with sex with my wife. For example, I'll often fantasize during sex that I'm actually someone else, so I'm watching her have sex with someone else, which is erotic to me. What I'm really interested in getting here is some feedback on this above but also considering my history, which I will outline here: - when I was five I was caught dressing up in my sisters clothes, and was really, really punished. Like my dad kicked me and my mom out of the house (1-2 days I think). it was so bad that I wonder if this is how I repressed my feelings, not to mention feeling the pressure of society and wanting very badly to have a "normal" life after a tough childhood and very unstable family dynamic - I definitely was inclined from ages 7-8 to 10-12 to engage in homosexual behavior with boys. at 10, I had a strong urge to shower in a gym I went to with men, which I did and recall being fully erect but not knowing what that was. that is crazy. - From 12-15 I had numerous encounters with boys, it mostly was scary and I felt a lot of guilt, but I continued to pursue this even though I also started to be attracted to girls - Around 15-16 I began to focus on girls and all that, but the thoughts were still there as were some encounters - at 18, I met an amazing girl and we quickly started a serious relationship. shortly after I found out that she had been fairly promiscuous, and that really bothered me. it hit at my low self esteem and hurt my ego, but I think I was also turned on by this and it didn't take long for me to fantasize about her with other men, which I did for a long, long time, with no real breaks (certainly went months at a time without doing it over last 20 years). very confusing to say the least. - at 21, she got pregnant, and since I did love her and was attracted to her, we got married. I knew the gay thoughts were there, but I just thought I was experimenting earlier in life and came to the conclusion that I wanted to be with a girl. In retrospect, had I not met this amazing girl, I think I might have eventually turned to men or at least tried. I'm 45 and she's the only serious or real girlfriend I've ever had. I was surprised to realize upon reflection, that my experiences with other girls were not good at all. I had to stop sex mid stream twice and always seemed to have performance issues. I thought it was nerves or guilt (I fooled around with other girls before I got married). I didn't really think this was a sign because, again, I am attracted to women, sometimes very attracted to them. - for the next 10 years or so, things were okay, but very hectic, and I basically buried myself in work and have done that for 20 years. It's made me successful, but I've clearly been hiding something or have had something missing. I always thought that if the feelings got worse that I might have to take some action. Well, the feelings have gotten a lot worse. - over the last 10 years or so, while I do have some problems with my wife and some of her flaws, and while my life overall is very stressful, it sure feels like my brain is telling me that I'm not happy in my life as a man married to woman. I have had encounters with men while married, as I've tried to experiment and make heads or tails of this. The results are usually inconclusive, although I did have some very erotic moments. I have also started feeling more and more feminine, and when I'm in strange places I really like to act "gay" in front of people. It's like coming out to strangers. I also have interest in dressing more feminine. I've been doing that a lot more, and I also think I might be jealous of my wife for being such an attractive woman and garnering so much attention from men. The cuckold thing may have worked for a while with this, but since that's dead this is all just more frustration. - Finally, this year, I've hit rock bottom knowing the cuckold fantasy is dead. That's when it finally occurred to me that, while I've felt at best bisexual all these years, and felt heterosexual only for longer periods of time over the years, everything lines up that basically every problem in my life and marriage stems from this confusion. I've actually long wished the feelings were stronger so I knew definitively, but the feelings come and go and range from strong too mild. I have a lot of lose if I end my marriage, and it kills me to think I might have to tell my wife everything and end this pain (for her and for me) and break up our current family dynamic. I worry that I'll decide in 1-2 years that I made a mistake and she'll have moved on with another man. But on the other hand, my boredom and sadness and only getting worse. On a typical summer day, I may go to the lake or an amusement park with the family, but I'll sit there and long for an entirely different scenario, like traveling or doing touristy stuff with a man who I'm intimate with emotionally and sexually. I'm also feeling strong urges to become more feminine and have positive thoughts about my life simply being gay, not even talking about sex, hanging out socially with women, etc. I'd like for my wife to just end it herself with an affair (I've given here full permission to do so) or just because she's sick of me, but she's still hanging in there. Last point, she's not particularly kinky and is pretty conservative, so this will never happen, but I think my ideal scenario would have me living with her and another man and we'd all have sex, but there's probably only a 1% chance of anything like that happening. I do, tho, suspect she may try the cuckolding as a last resort if I tell her everything, but that's just and guess I don't want her doing anything she doesn't want to do. She could easily hook up with a great-looking 25 year old guy, and I've told her to go for it, but she won't. At the end of the day, I think I'm bisexual but lean more toward homo than heterosexual, and the urge is clearly strong enough to ruin my current heterosexual existence. Like I've said, I've always known that I had these thoughts and feelings, but not until recently that I truly matched everything up and for the first time in my life I am seriously considering a life as a gay man out in the open. If anyone has any thoughts or comments I'd love to hear them. Am I gay? Should I leave? Can I possibly be happy staying with her, post whatever thoughts you have if you'd like. Thanks for reading!