Realizing that I have inner turmoil and it's destroying me

I think have two extremely conflicting core beliefs about who I am. Belief #1: I could be attracted to the same sex and can't stop thinking about this one girl on a 24/7 basis (I have never thought about a guy for this long and this intensely). I get intense emotions about her. I got upset when she got a girlfriend. I still think about her 2 years later. Belief #2: all of my experiences with the same sex have been negative OR at their best, mediocre. I cannot open emotionally or be vulnerable with another girl. Conversations are lacking in depth and authenticity. I can only be more authentic with a guy >>> conclusion: I must not want a relationship with the same sex.

Another inner conflict I have is that I can only picture a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but I am not physically attracted to him; and I can only picture a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex, yet I don't want a romantic relationship with her. I am so afraid because I don't know who I am supposed to be going for and I worry about have a cross-oriented sexuality. BUT if I have a cross-oriented sexuality why is this causing so much distress for me? If it's who I am, I should not even care or panic about it. That's the inner conflict. And it's destroying me mentally and emotionally.

 

Ambivalence! That is the word I am looking for. I feel ambivalent about my sexual orientation and can't seem to resolve it.

 

I am planning on doing therapy. I have my 1st appointment next week. However, I've been through many other therapists and they can't seem to help me out. Maybe I just can't connect to anyone like you said, and it's not solvable.

 

I've worked hard for 3 years to have things figured out and solved, but nothing has come out of it. I’m just tired at this point.

I don’t think I can be open and honest and vulnerable with them. After years of trying to do just that, I don’t think that’s going to change. I need to move on.

 

I was bullied- humiliated and victimized - on the regular by other girls for years. Boys bullied me too (verbal and sometimes physical harassment) but the girls were a lot worse. Pure mean.

Girls also would make homophobic remarks at me even though I didn’t say or did anything about my sexuality. I always felt uncomfortable being around the “mean girls,” and one of my bullies would harass me if I looked at another girl for “too long” by accident.

I also had trouble forming meaningful friendships with girls. We either didn’t click as friends or we did click as friends at first but there was a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation. It’s taken it’s toll on me and I’ve stopped all contact with those people. That’s why I’ve stopped making female friends. I only have one friend now (she’s female) but I also have a difficult time opening up to her emotionally. There were few times that I did, but we’ve been friends for 8 years and it took that long for me to be somewhat open. I am 28 now.

I’m not sure if any of what I said resonated with you, but I totally forgot that I was bullied. I mean, who hasn’t been bullied? How could it still impact me 10 years later? I feel embarrassed that I might not have gotten over this...

 

Thanks. Yes, at the time I thought I was strong because I was able to deal with it at the time. What you said is very on point. My brain is preventing me from forming any emotional connection to a woman. The thing is though bullying hasn't stopped other women from being with other women. I see it everywhere. Maybe I'm just not attracted AND I feel emotionally disconnected due to the bullying..

I'm at a point in my life where I am no long interacting with people, not just bc of covid, but bc I am out of school and in the real world and now I have a choice in what I do with my life. I'm inclined to not work on this issue. Do I want to fix my self esteem issues due to bullying? Yes. Do I want to fix my issue of emotionally connecting with other women? Not really. Because I don't have to and I don't need to. Women are not showing up randomly in my life anymore. All of my associations with women have been negative or mediocre. I live in a very heteronormative neighborhood/environment, and now I have control over who I meet and where I go to meet people. The problem is that I worry I still have physical attraction...

Thank you. Bullying definitely impacts self-esteem, for anybody that has gone through this experience. I think it's true that this is a big part as to why I don't trust other women. However I don't want to assume that the situation is that I am romantically interested in other women but I'm too mistrusting of them because they hurt me blah blah blah. I haven't even been in a relationship with another woman so who am I to really know if I want to be with them.

I just want the physical attraction and the fantasies to go away because they serve no purpose to me other then causing me so much confusion. I want to learn how to treat these things as nothing and that they are just thoughts, but every time they come up, there's so much emotional turmoil

 

Anyway... thank you all for patiently dealing with the crap shooting out of my mouth. You are probably thinking wtf this girl is weird and has no self awareness hahahahah.

 

Maybe not. I'm just trying to make sense of my situation in the best way that I know how with the tools that I have. I have no experience with sexuality and relationships. It's all foreign to me

Thanks for understanding. It's not just lack of emotional connection to women, but the fact that people are just downright cruel and selfish. Most of my friendships have been that way and people who I thought were my friends ended up not caring about me at all. I find being alone way more fulfilling, but I am also so used to it that I refuse to bring myself out of it. I agree that friendships probably are fulfilling and rewarding for other people. I have so much anger and hurt inside of me due to all of my lackluster and mediocre relationships that it's hard for me to believe it's even possible for me. I feel like I can only rely on myself for friendship and emotional intimacy.

 

No worries, I didn't see it as insulting at all. I have limited understanding of life and sexuality so questioning has put me in a very frustrating position that has only caused me more misery. I do want to look at things in a different way. I've tried changing my perspective on things - meditating, going to therapy, exercising, reading self help books - but somehow I always bounce back to where I started. I want to look at things in a more neutral way, if that's possible. No positive feelings, no negative feelings. Just letting the thoughts be.

^^^ True. There needs to be mutual interest too otherwise it's all just one-sided.

The ironic thing is that I have been by myself my entire life and still am not happy with myself. lol. Thanks for believing in me though.

 

Also appreciate you sharing your story a little. I’m glad I’m not alone.