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realizing later in life and feeling trapped

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by zumbaqueen, May 11, 2017.

  1. Soundofmusic

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    Hi zumbaqueen. First, off, your I LOVEEEEE your username. Brought a smile to my face :grin:

    Anyways, I know it sometimes may feel like you just want the whole process to accelerate and for things to be resolved really quickly, but they take time.
     
  2. Unlovedbi

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    Hi Zumbaqueen... I'm a New Yorker too btw. I can not relate in terms of marriage, but in terms of not knowing what to do next... I'm with you. You looking at every angle and you just see all of it ending bad, but maybe you can speak to your therapist and see if perhaps with your therapist present or someone supportive present, perhaps breaking the news may be less of a hardship. I know I'd be to scared to break it to him. I do hope you finally find a way of doing this, but Are you afraid of any physical consequence to you if you tell him?
     
  3. zumbaqueen

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    So the last few days have been uneventful, which is probably good considering the emotional roller coaster I've been on the last few month. My life seems to be settling down a bit. I am working on "just letting things be" right now, not making any decisions. I have made a connection in the gay community, someone who I am getting to know that has a similar situation to me. And although I'd like to actually try to date, I think I need to resolve my marriage first.
     
  4. RJay

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    Just read this whole thread and want to add my voice of support and solidarity. I had a moment in February when I finally admitted to myself that I've always been a lesbian but have forced myself into pretending to be straight. Admitting it to myself was the hardest part, but also an extreme relief.

    I was already very unhappy in my marriage, and my husband has been verbally abusive for the whole 19 years of our relationship. I didn't tell him I'm gay, but I did ask for a divorce. He seemed relieved, and we are going through the process.

    So, I just wanted to say, as others have, that you aren't alone! It's nerve wracking, huh? I'm right there with you.
     
  5. zumbaqueen

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    Melancholy-thank you for your support. I'm glad you are moving forward with your life. I hope to eventually. It has been hard for me because my husband is a good man, a good father, we never fight (well now that I think about it we don't talk either) we are financially stable and we built a good life together. But I'm not happy. He is, I think, or maybe he just doesn't want to fail at marriage again. I am his third wife, his first two ended in divorce after 3 or 4 years each They both left him for other men. It would be so much easier to leave if he had done something, but like I said he is a good man.
     
  6. RJay

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    Oh yeah, in a somewhat twisted way, I've found myself actually happy that my husband has been very cruel to me. If he were a good man, I'd probably be suffering from guilt. As it is, he's given me no reason to stay and suffer anymore.
     
  7. zumbaqueen

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    So I been talking to a woman, who is a lesbian, and now we are begining to flirt with each other. It seemed harmless to me at first, and she knows my home situation, I have been completely honest to her. I am really liking the attention I am getting from her, but I am still married and my husband still thinks this is just a phase I am going through. I don't know what to do. I want to keep talking with her, but I also feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm still married.
     
  8. ShortButSweet

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    I feel so emotional yet relieved reading this!! Thank you for sharing. I'm in a similar position married to an absolutely amazing man. I came out as bi when I was 17 and have dated/slept with men and women since but always ended up in serious relationships with men. I'm at the point now where I don't know what I am anymore and it's ruining me, I miss women so much and have struggled in all my heterosexual relationships. I'm so glad I found this forum.
     
  9. RJay

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    WELCOME! Hugs.
     
  10. zumbaqueen

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    And does anyone else feel overly consumed by your emotions about all of this? Now that I am talking with this woman she is all I can think about. I am attracted to her, I started talking to her just as a friend who understands me. She is not involved with anyone and she knows my life is not settled and I'm not really available to date. Yet she seems interested in me. Part of me feels like I shouldn't even get involved in any of this because I am still married. The other part of me says don't let her get away, she's a keeper.
     
  11. Bidon70

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    God, it's so good reading this thread. I honestly feel like I'm the only person going through this with these emotions. I've always known, well for most of my adult life, that I am bisexual, but only recently admitted it to myself. Now though I've been married for 18 years and have two wonderful kids, and I just don't know what to do now. I love my wife, but have feelings of wanting to be free to be myself for once in my life; not what everyone expects me to be.
     
  12. MonkeyGirl179

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    I'm going to affirm what many people are feeling on this site. This is amazing! I've known for a long time that I'm bisexual, but it's only been this week that I've actually been admitting it to myself. Self-acceptance is a practice, and I'm finally willing to look at these aspects of myself that have been ignored for the past 30+ years. I'm grateful to have reached this point; however, it's one of the most difficult things I've ever admitted to myself. I am so grateful to have found this safe space!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you.
     
  13. Bidon70

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    Same here
     
  14. RJay

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    I'm right with you on this. Even though I'm in the middle of a divorce and moving apartments, I am totally obsessing over my "gay awakening" so to speak, and these two women in my life I'm attracted to, and what if anything I should do about it, etc. I'm thinking about them all the time, looking forward to seeing them, etc. It's an absolute whirlwind of feelings and thoughts. Finally being able to really feel physical attraction for the first time in my life is definitely the most intense thing going on right now in spite of all the craziness with the divorce and moving.
     
  15. leb10

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    Zumba - Yes! I'm either completely overwhelmed (guilt or excitement/optimism) or so numb I'm not sure I'm actually present. I think it's really awesome you told your husband even though his reaction has been difficult to deal with. It's so hard to start the conversation because it changes so much and you just never really feel ready? You're doing great! I hope to share soon with my husband too. Hope you keep sharing your journey.
     
  16. RJay

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    I'm sorry! I am falling madly in love with a woman I have a new friendship with. There hasn't been a convenient way to work in that I'm gay, and I have no idea what her orientation is. We are both divorcing men, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. In your case, it's consuming you and you are worried about committing infidelity, while in my case, it's consuming me and I'm worrying about whether it's even a possibility that something could happen. Either way, it's both exciting and terrifying, huh?
     
  17. zumbaqueen

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    Yep, I'll admit it, I'm consumed, excited and terrified. Consumed because I think about her everyday, a lot. Excited because I really like her, and terrified because I do feel like if I get involved with her I am betraying my husband even though for me I know my marriage is over. Yet my feelings for her grow each day and are very intense. I have no idea if she likes me in that way or if I am just a friend to her. I'm going to give it another day or two and see how our conversations go, but I think by Friday I'm going to be direct and ask her one way or the other if this is about friendship with me or if there is the possibility of something more.
     
  18. RJay

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    That will be scary, but I know you are brave enough to do it! Hey, at least you know she's gay. I think about my new friend a lot every day too. And I'm excited by it. But yeah, scared, because I don't know if she's even a *smidgen* gay and might go for me. I'm also scared that when it comes up that I'm gay, if she's straight, she will freak and not want to be friends any more. I suppose if that were true, then I'd have to say good riddance, because that would be very closed minded. But, this is my first crush, and I'm kind of enjoying just feeling the feelings. Not in any hurry for it to come crashing down.
     
  19. zumbaqueen

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    Just an update for everyone, I'm moving forward. I am still living at home, but now my husband and I are living together but separate. We will see how long that works for me. Part of it is for financial reasons, part of it it for convenience and part of it is for our child. I have become friends with a gay woman who I like, not sure where that will go. And although I want to continue seeing her, my guilt gets in the way because I am still married. When I am with her being married doesn't matter to me, but when I am home I feel terrible. I think I need to move out.
     
  20. leb10

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    Thanks for the update. I always wonder how some of you guys are doing if there hasn't been an update in a little while. Kids, money and logistics seem to make this process so much more daunting at times. It's hard to juggle serious self discovery and then worry about moving or custody. I hope you're feeling good about your progress even if you're still working toward something more ideal!