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Reality kicked in..

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Soulstone, Oct 18, 2017.

  1. Soulstone

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    Hello, fellow sufferers:slight_smile: I feel particularly low tonight, like I suddenly have realized this all isn’t just a fun game. So I really need to talk it out..Sounds stupid, I know, but all this time since I’ve come to terms with my sexuality (approximately 4 years), for some reason I thought it has no effect on my everyday reality. It’s hard to explain, but I honestly thought it doesn’t matter if I’m gay or straight or bi - I’ve already made my choices in life and my sexuality is just something I need to clarify to know myself better. Boy was I wrong..
    At this point I feel like something really important is missing in my life, I feel this void almost physically..I want to tell everyone who I am, but I am just not brave enough. Even my therapist doesn’t know. But the truth is, I start to suspect that to feel complete I have to be with a woman. I remember all my previous relationships with girls and I suddenly realize that I felt happier in those relationships. So simple. But the choices have been made and there is no way back. This realization hurts. Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels trapped in her picture perfect life..
     
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  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Soulstone,

    I'm not familiar with your current situation, sorry. But, a lot of the feelings you describe in your post resonate with me. I feel trapped a lot of the time. For me and my situation, though, I'm aware that it's my own choice to stay as I am. However, that doesn't make any easier. It's harder now that I am aware that I am hiding it and intentionally being dishonest. I see and hear things that constantly remind me of this, simple everyday things.

    You're not alone. Hugs.
     
  3. Soulstone

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    Thank you for your response..My situation isn’t very unique- I’m married to a man, have a kid and no one in the whole world knows about my real sexual and emotional preferences :slight_smile: Mostly because I realize that I had plenty of time in my twenties to find out who I am and build my life according to that. So if I decided to hide in the closet and built a traditional family, I can’t back out now- it wouldn’t be fair. I have to take responsibility for my life choices. I realize that but sometimes it makes me incredibly sad.
    you
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Snap! Except my partner and I aren't married.

    I've thought exactly the same as you - I've made my choices and have to live with them, which as you say, is very sad.

    At the moment I'm feeling increasingly frustrated with hiding, it feels like something has to give eventually.

    My partner and I got together in my early twenties, and I had our daughter at 25. Like you, I have moments when I wish I used that time differently, and not so focused on making the life I assumed I wanted. However, I am very glad to have my daughter, so I don't regret it really.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    I'm not saying that either of you should leave but just because you have made the choice previously to be with a man doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
     
  6. onlyhuman33

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    I'm kinda with silverhalo on this one. Let's just take the "wanting to be with women" out of the equation. If you were unhappy or unfulfilled in your marriage or relationship for any other reason, you would probably talk about it first with your partner, and see if there was some kind of resolution. If there wasn't you would, unfortunately, move on. I feel like it's the same thing here, but for some reason you guys feel like since the reason for your unhappiness is that you are sexually attracted to other women, you have to stay with your man. If you aren't truly invested emotionally and physically in your relationship, your partner will notice. And they in turn won't be happy either. If you are doing an amazing job of hiding your unhappiness, then it's only a matter of time before that bomb goes off. Communication is the first step to figuring out what the next steps are. And these kinds of decisions should be made WITH your partners, not FOR them.

    I hope that didn't come off too preachy. Just trying to give you another point of view is all. I don't know either of you or your lives, obviously, so inevitably you are going to know what is best for your situation. That was just my totally unsolicited advice. I wish both of you all the strength, happiness, and well being that one can offer. Lots of love *BIG HUGS*
     
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  7. looking for me

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    i will share one thing that i learned from staying in a marriage for way too long. it eats at you, you lose parts of you. if you're lucky you get them back or find other parts to fill the holes that are left. i got lucky, i hope y'all do as well.
     
  8. Soulstone

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    Tell me please - how did you know you were staying in a marriage for too long? What were the signs? I know it sounds stupid, but I need to know. Because all you hear around is - marriage is hard, you have to work hard to make it work, don’t give up etc. So how can you really know when it’s enough? I have thought about that a lot. Also - when is that moment where you can’t play happy wife for your kids anymore.
    Thank you for the response. I am also glad and incredibly thankful for my family, they are everything to me, but sometimes I still feel like I am just playing a part in a play, that it’s not real me..
     
  9. Leela80

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    I’m in a very similar situation as you. Sometimes I feeling like these feelings are beyond overwhelming. Right now I’m taking baby steps to figure out the direction I want my life to go. If you really trust your therapist I suggest opening up to them about your sexuality. Talking to someone in person can be very helpful.
     
  10. Soulstone

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    Thank you for your advice. I agree with you in general, however it’s not that black&white in my case..Because if you are with someone for almost 20 years, he is not just a man, he is family, friend, someone you have built life with. Especially if the child is involved. It’s his life too. That’s why I feel trapped- I know I can leave, but I will never be able to erase my past. And I very seriously doubt I will be happy knowing I have ruined my family and hurt so many people just to get what I think I want. Maybe I am wrong, but that is how I feel now. And that’s why I feel so sad, because I can’t win here.
     
  11. Soulstone

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    I trust my therapist,but I’m not sure she would take news like that well considering she’s a catholic:slight_smile: I didn’t know that a the time I started sessions with her, and she is very good, so I stayed.
    Can you tell me more- what do you mean by baby steps?
     
  12. silverhalo

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    You can't erase your past but why should you, it's a part of you and I'm sure for the struggles you have now you also have many happy years and memories which shouldn't be erased. I think often we think the right path should be decorated with roses and blossom trees but it's not. Whichever decision you make you will be hurting people. You chose to stay because from your perspective it appears you are only hurting yourself and if you are going to hurt anyone it should be you right? I think you just have to be careful that other people aren't also hurting. You maybe very good at covering up your happiness but that is a tough act to keep up and almost always eventually those around you can tell you aren't you anymore and the sadness extends. I also know most of the time on here when people say they want to stay together because of their child, most people who come from families where the parents split up say that they knew their parents were unhappy long before they split up.
     
  13. silverhalo

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    I think you need to either tell her about your sexuality or work with a new therapist because however good a therapist is they can help if they don't know the whole problem.
     
  14. Soulstone

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    I know. I will. Maybe I just have to start telling people..So far only one of my friends sort of knows, but not the whole story. I guess partially I am afraid to talk about it. Why? What if it is all in my head? What if the moment I tell someone I realize it’s not real? It might happen. And then what? I will never trust myself again.
     
    #14 Soulstone, Oct 19, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  15. looking for me

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    my situation was, I pray, different than yours. lots of abuse from her, against me, me shielding my son from her, although I found out later she still got to him and I've had him in counseling for years to repair the damage. for me the signs were there early, I was too naïve and "in love" to see them, although people told me. she has mental health issues. honestly, I should have left the first time she attempted suicide, but how do you leave a sick family member (in sickness and in health...) so I guess, and hope, my signs wouldn't apply to you. marriage is hard, and it takes work, the question is; is the work going in giving you what you need and your needs are as important as anyone's. I do suggest counseling to figure out where you want to go from here, not couples counseling but for you, I found it so helpful. (started to deal with the abuse, and later discovering my path in my sexuality and gender)
    only you can know when enough is enough, everyone's cup is different so it is very personal when it fills. regarding kids, I don't know their ages but they know when you're unhappy, when there is tension. they feel it on an instinctual level even if they cant express it. unfortunately, it does effect them, even if we cant see it. kids adjust amazingly well to new situations, better if both parents work together in the new dynamic of living apart and parenting together.
    hope this helps, HUGS
     
  16. silverhalo

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    It's not easy to just tell people even if you are free and single so navigating that path with a partner and child is going to be potentially tougher. Don't give yourself a hard time just think about how you would like to fix it.

    You say one friend knows but not the whole story. Does that mean she knows you are having a hard time in your relationship but not that you are questioning your sexuality? Or something else?

    Do you honestly think it's going to magically disappear? I mean I totally get it before I came out I was worried I had it wrong too.
    Do you have any female crushes at the moment?
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    There's a lot in here that I've considered - if it was any other reason to be separating, would I be holding back so much? Is it fair to not tell him, it's his relationship and life too?

    I know that my partner has noticed, as he's commented on my lack of interest in various parts of our relationship.

    Thanks for starting the thread. Later in Life has been a bit quitter recently, I was starting to feel there was nobody in the same boat. I completely relate to the feeling of playing a part, and feeling of having to play that part all the time.

    Yeah, I knew my parents were unhappy. They spend hardly any time together. I wasn't really surprised when they hold me they were divorcing.
     
    #17 LostInDaydreams, Oct 19, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  18. onlyhuman33

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    I can totally relate to your situation, almost to a tee. The only difference is that I wasn't yearning to be with another person so much as I was yearning to BE another person. My wife is and always will be my best friend. That was never gonna change. But we had a recurring issue that I kept telling her had to change. She, as usual, changed for about a week or two, and then went back to the way things were originally. So, I realized that I wasn't happy and I didn't want to die knowing that I was never truly happy. Also, wanting to transition into a female, I was hyper aware of the window of time that I had to make these changes, was quickly closing. (As I have said on here in another thread, I didn't want to transition into Ms. Doubtfire LOL). So I told her that I wanted a divorce and that I was trans. Here's the crazy thing. My wife is not a lesbian, nor does she identify AS a lesbian. But we wound up staying together and are closer now than we ever have been in our 20 years together (sound familiar? We are totally simpatico!!!) That, of course, being the extremely abbreviated version. Needless to say for us to get here, we had a ton of crying, yelling, therapy, and self examinations, realizations, and actualizations. But it all started with a conversation. When that didn't work, I told her I was ready to leave. That was about 2 years ago. So there IS hope of staying together. But that is only if that's what BOTH of you want. You (or he, whichever the case may be), can't love for both of you.

    Also, remember this. When you first decided that he was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, were you so in love with him that you said you didn't want to be with anyone else, male of female? Or did you find yourself "settling" for him? I ask this, because if you were "settling" then, I mean, 20 years is a really long time, and you do deserve to be truly happy for the rest of you life in a situation that makes you truly happy. BUT, if you really did mean you didn't want to be with anyone else, male or female, what was it that made you feel that way? Why don't you feel that way anymore? And finally, is it too far removed that you honestly can't feel that way anymore no matter what you do or how hard you work at it?

    Again, I have been there. It's not easy. But you realizing that SOMETHING needs to be done is SO important. You don't wanna just sit there and do nothing, because if you're not happy now, you won't be happy later doing nothing. And you, your husband, and children deserve WAY better. You, your husband and children deserve a HAPPY and fulfilled you!! Be Strong, be empowered, and most of all be well!!! *BIIIIIIIG HUGS!!!*
     
  19. onlyhuman33

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    As I mentioned to Soulstone too, first figure out if this relationship is the one you feel worth fighting for. Then figure out what exactly it is that is missing. What was it at the beginning of the relationship that "won you over"? Can you get back to those feelings? It will obviously take A LOT of work, but if it's worth fighting for, it's worth the work.

    Unfortunately, you may also decide that it isn't worth fighting for anymore. And that's fine too, but sometimes the best way to make him happy in the long run is to hurt him in the short run. Meaning let him go now, yeah it will suck big time for the both of you, but you will both be happier in the long run.

    Good luck!!! Be strong, be empowered, and be well!!!
     
  20. Leela80

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    I understand regarding your therapist being Catholic. When I was looking for a therapist I specifically looked for one who deals with LGBT issues. I didn’t want religion to interfere or become a factor with the sessions.

    Baby steps for me so far have been finally admitting to myself I might be gay but still keeping it tucked away in the back of my mind. A few years go by and the certainty of me being gay is front and center. I can no longer push to the back of my mind these thoughts and feelings. Then months of seeing the world through new eyes, noticing girls and allowing myself to feel the attraction. Then I told someone I trust that I was gay. Talking with them on my bad days when I’m struggling. I then told a second person. By then I felt like I was going in circles with my emotions. Not knowing what the next step should be. So I started seeing a therapist to talk about the issues I was feeling. I’m slowly starting to understand my emotions better and realize I have a lot of shame for the way I feel. The shame is lessening but I’ve still got a ways to go.

    If you ever need to talk I’m here! Hugs!