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Realised I may not have been as straight as always thought I was.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Ladybird12, Jul 3, 2019.

  1. Ladybird12

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    Hi there, I'm new here. I'm sorry in advance, this will probably be rambling, my thoughts are all over the place lately. I've been struggling with thoughts that I may be Bi or gay for awhile now (I'm married with kids). I've been reading a lot of past threads in here and can related in a big way. I think I have internalised homophobia. I literally have no reason at all to feel this way. I grew up in a really accepting family, in a LGBTQI hot-spot, totally normal for same sex couples to be out together in public, lots of kids at my high school out and proud. My mother has gay and lesbian friends.

    I never considered that I wasn't strictly heterosexual, even though I tried to kiss one of my best friends 20 years ago, my first sexual experience was with another girl and I made out with another friend around 20 years ago as well. Then I slept with a whole bunch of men even though it made me hate myself, I've never had an orgasm, for years I thought I was just asexual. That I didn't like sex full stop. Then I settled down and got married and I can't help thinking I've made a huge mistake. I love my husband, he is a beautiful person. But I am not interested in sex at all with him and haven't been for years. I fantasise about women only. I feel terrible, he doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve him.

    One of my best friends is a gay man and I was his support when he came out. I wad the first person he told.

    But I actually cringe when I hear the word lesbian. Why is that? And is it possible to have internalised homophobia to such a degree that you don't even realise that you are same sex attracted? Looking back I can see so many signs, all through my life.

    I can't tell my best friend, even though he would get it, because he loves my husband dearly. I can't tell anyone.

    I find it difficult to be around lesbian women. Not that I know many, I am attracted to some, butterflies and all, but I can't shake the feeling that they will "know" that I'm not as straight as I think/thought I was and that scares me. I had a woman once proposition me, and I panicked and fled. So I really have no idea what is going on. Could I actually be straight and this is some kind of weird midlife crisis? Or am I so deep in the closet that I've actually managed to fool myself. And has anyone else ever felt that way??
     
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  2. DecentOne

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    Hi Ladybird12,
    Wow, your first post. You must have been quietly absorbing the EC posts for many months. That’s great that you have been thinking, and that you now felt comfortable about asking a question. Some of what you say reminds me of myself a couple years ago, so I’ll try to share a little in my response.

    I too grew up in an environment that was far more accepting of LGBTQ than the rest of society. But I think I still picked up on how society was not a supportive place. Plus, the idea that I could be bisexual didn’t really occur to me because everyone always phrased the question in a one-or-the-other format: “Are you gay or straight?”. I would answer straight, since I had very real attractions to girls (and then women)... because I knew that meant I couldn’t be gay. It isn’t easy to get to know oneself if society’s narrative (including romances on TV, in magazines, and in movies) is pushing just the majority hetero example. I had a time when entering adolescence when I wished a guy had kissed me, and a time when I got all mushy in middle school and told a guy I knew that I thought he was an angel and that I liked him. Not as clear examples compared to yours, but good enough to “not quite fit” straight. I think your examples are great for pointing to you being other than straight.

    Then in late mid-life my fantasies turned to men. I’m married, with (grown up) kids, so this was quite a shift for me (my fantasy imagery was dominated by women my whole life up to then). It seems mid-life is a time for re-evaluation — or maybe it is we’ve become mature and aware enough of a changing society around us and what new visibility by younger generations has shown us about orientation. You’ve seen the advice in the Later in Life section of this forum, that paying attention to fantasies is a pretty good indicator. Did you ever fantasize about men?

    So... if a label is troublesome to you, don’t fret. You’re right it may be internalized stuff from society. Try standing in the mirror and saying something like “I’m not straight” as a first step. See how that feels. I’m guessing there is something relaxing inside of you that will respond well to that.

    Welcome to the journey. I’ve found it very freeing to claim my authenticity in coming out, and I wish the best for you!
     
    #2 DecentOne, Jul 3, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2019
  3. Ladybird12

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    Thank you so much for replying @DecentOne . I used to be in love with River Phoenix when I was 12 lol. And I had school crushes on boys, but have not really had that for years. I don't ever look at men and think, "I want him". I can see when they are attractive though, if someone is good looking I can see it. I hear some of my female friends gush about how much they like male body parts, and I can honestly say I have never had that feeling. I have a lot of male friends, I get on really well with them, I'm a bit of a tomboy really, or that's what they used to call me back when I was young, I always seemed to connect with boys more than girls as friends. That changed as I got older as some of my closest friends are now women as well.

    Regarding Romatic movies, I love them but one of the things I noticed years and years ago, way before I started to question. Was I was always intently focused on the female, like I wasn't even watching the guy on the screen, he is just a bit part. Interesting.
     
  4. Unsure77

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    Couple of things. If you watch many “Am I a lesbian?” videos on YouTube, you’ll quickly see that making up crushes on males as a kid is a very common theme. It’s a way to try to fit in and make yourself feel normal. The trick is if these were ever crushes on people you could actually meet and if you did meet them, would that crush stay around or would it quickly evaporate? I totally did this. “I can’t be gay! I have a favorite New Kid on the Block like every other girl andI know Tom Cruise is handsome...just like everybody else. Nope. Not gay”

    Second thing to hold in mind: being able to recognize if someone is attractive doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them. Straight women identify beautiful women all the time and don’t think twice about it. Straight men are able to identify attractive men. That doesn’t mean they’re sexually attracted to them. So, of course lesbians can, similarly, identify handsome men. We’re human and can identify beauty. That doesn’t mean we’re straight.
     
    #4 Unsure77, Jul 3, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2019
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  5. Ladybird12

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    Thank you @Unsure77 - (if that's your birth year we are the same age ) I don't know what is going on with me anymore. I used to have it all figured out and now, I know nothing.
    I remember a particular girl at school, by year 7 she was out and proud. I remember feeling envious of her, but not really knowing why. I thought maybe it was because she was so strong and didn't care what anyone thought of her, I but now I wonder if it's more that she was doing what I couldn't, and still -decades later-can't do.
     
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  6. Unsure77

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    You might Google “am I a lesbian masterdoc”. It’ll lead you to posts with a google doc that you might find helpful. That or look for “am I a lesbian” YouTube videos. What I found is that I hit a whole, whole lot of the points in these things.

    I haven’t dated yet, so I guess I’ll see how things go if and when I’m faced with an actual woman. But...

    I also was convinced I was asexual and just gave up on it all (because I wasn’t attracted to guys and refused to consider women as a possibility). I guess I’ll find out for sure when I try to date.
     
    #6 Unsure77, Jul 3, 2019
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  7. Unsure77

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    Hold in mind, I have all of the expertise of someone who hasn’t so much as kissed anyone or dated anyone yet, but you sound similar to me. Best of luck! It is confusing and alarming and exciting.
     
  8. Ladybird12

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    Tha
    Thank you @Unsure77 that's a great document. When I was reading through it, I was mentally ticking off a lot if those things. Like, a lot if them.

    I hope you are managing to figure stuff out too? How long ago did you start to question if you don't mind me asking?
     
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  9. Unsure77

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    December is when I finally acknowledged it. It was the first time I said the words. Something kind of made my feelings about men vs women very stark. Then I started looking up things like that doc and realized I hit point after point after point. Now I’m kind of working on building up a support system and dealing with some of the emotional fallout.
     
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  10. Ladybird12

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    I've had this overwhelming feeling I'm gay for years O'Toole up every now and then, then I stuff it down and go about normal life, no somehow manage to convince myself that I was just stressed or whatever. Justifying the attractions you know? I think something happens when you you get older though. I don't necessarily want to come out, or live an authentic life, well, who knows what the future will bring, but not now anyway. But just acknowledging these feelings to myself has made me feel better (although I do have my days of pure self loathing as well) and realising there are so many others going through the same thing has helped too.

    So thanks so much for taking the time to answer my thread. I appreciate it a lot.
     
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  11. Mary007

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    I feel exactly like you, confused and I'm often wondering if it's real! But I've finally accepted the fact that I'm probably lesbian, I said it out loud (to myself!) For the first time yesterday, it was a big step for me. I also read the masterpiece and LOTS of YouTube videos and it all helped. 2 months ago was when I started rolling the idea of me being lesbian in my head, I thought this over and over and then I just decided to let go, relax and that time will help me figure it out! Now it's clear that I am gay, but accepting it is another part :stuck_out_tongue: Also, after accepting it, I'll have to deal with the consequences (husband, family etc!) I'm all with you and I understand your challenges fully!
     
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  12. Unsure77

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    Yeah, I grew up fundamentalist Christian and was fairly devout up until about 10 years ago. I was basically taught from birth that being gay was one of the most despicable, disgusting things you could be (between my parents and my church). So, when I caught myself staring at a woman’s figure a little too admiringly, I hated myself a little and then I quickly found something else to focus on. When my stomach swooped and heart pounded because I was going to spend time with a particular woman as a teen, it was just because I wanted to be like her...it couldn’t be a crush. Never mind that I never once felt that towards a male, even on a date or when kissing them. Never mind that I felt this deep sense of shame that I was so excited to be around those women.

    I think two things caused the dam to break for me. Donald Trump came along and made me realize that my childhood religious community was full of crap. What they care about is using the Bible as an excuse for misogyny, hate, and control. Less about loving people, helping people, and protecting real actual walking talking children. So, I had been living alone and making myself miserable to appease people I no longer respected and to work within religious values the people who taught me clearly don’t really believe that strongly because they thoroughly betrayed them for a Supreme Court nominee. Then I finally got to spend a little time with a female married couple and realized they were just normal, average people. They sounded and interacted just like every straight married couple with kids I know. I was fascinated and I wanted that.

    For what it’s worth, if you’re still struggling with self-loathing, two things I was pointed two when I first came out were Brene Brown (she’s got a Netflix special, some YouTube videos on shame, and a book called “The Gifts of Imperfection”. Then I was also pointed towards a meditation practice called “Lovingkindness”. There’s a book by Sharon Salzberg on that. It’s got a lot of just good life advice. I still have issues with shame and self-hate, but these did help a lot on the front end when I was a little freaked out and angry. I’m also seeing a therapist.

    Hope that maybe helps.
     
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  13. Unsure77

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    The one other thing I’ll say...when I quit trying to suppress things and “trick” myself into not noticing women...for one thing, I quickly noticed that I notice and prefer women a lot. If I walk through a crowd of random people, the women are who my eyes are drawn to when I don’t fight it. Also, I’m more relaxed. Even things as simple as watching a movie are more relaxing. Letting myself watch what I want to watch (LGBT movies are thrilling because the romance scenes actually make me feel something) is more fun. I have issues and I’m not out of the woods. I still have shame and self-hate issues to work through. I’m still working on making lgbt friends and not at all confident how that’s going and I haven’t pursued dating yet. But, I’m still happier and more relaxed. I’m healthier now. I’m taking better care of myself (mentally and physically). It’s pushed me to do that. I can be a good thing. I don’t know where this goes, but so far it is better.
     
    #13 Unsure77, Jul 4, 2019
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  14. Unsure77

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    Saying it aloud the first time is hard. Looking at yourself in a mirror and saying it is harder the first time. It was arguably almost harder for me personally than telling another person for the first time. Good job coming out to yourself!
     
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  15. Ladybird12

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    Hey @Mary007 thanks so much for your kind words and tips. I'll definitely look for masterpiece. Yeah, I'm still totally confused. Humans are a very complicated bunch aren't we?
     
  16. Ladybird12

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    Thanks for all your tips. Re looking in the Bathroom mirror and saying it, I couldn't. I managed to say "maybe I'm not totally straight" and I still felt bad about it. Its weird, if this was anyone else than myself I'd be all like "you only live once, there's nothing wrong with being SSA. Etc" I have no idea why I am finding this so difficult. I suspect I'll lose my marriage and lose my best friend if it does end up I'm Gay. I'm sure that doesn't help. I certainly wouldn't lose the bulk of my friends nor my other family. But still.
     
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  17. Unsure77

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    My situation is probably less complicated than yours, but part of it for me was it was hard to admit I was something other than what everyone knew me as. Part of it was fear about how life changing it could be by the time the disgust settled. Part of me was a little afraid it wouldn’t be life changing. Part of it was that I was embracing this thing I’d hidden away for so many decades. All those years I had been terrified to think about thinking about being gay and I was terrified someone would guess. So to turn around and embrace it and later intentionally tell people what had been my deepest, darkest, most shameful secret.

    It seems like with your situation, the family complications could also be it? If you go check out the “Later in Life” forum on here, you’re definitely not alone, for what it’s worth. I’m not quite in your boat, but there are other men and women here going through similar struggles.
     
  18. Unsure77

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    Also, it might be worth looking for a good lgbt affirming therapist. They might be able to help you work things out. Mine had good advice early on.
     
  19. Ladybird12

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    Thanks @Unseen77. I will definitely go and look at the later in life section. Im now living in a small town where everyone knows everyone, or someone you know. But I notice there is a hotline you can call in my state if your struggling with LGBTQI stuff. So maybe I'll ring then at some point.


     
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