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Real life experience and a crush on a work colleague

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SteveBi45, Jun 7, 2021.

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  1. SteveBi45

    SteveBi45
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    This has been on my mind for a number of months, and is one of the reasons why I joined EC.

    First of all - I am married and I love my wife, but it doesn't stop me from having the feelings and thoughts that I will give here in this thread.

    I am bisexual and have had many attractions to men over the years. But I've never had a real life experience with a man. I've had plenty of fantasies and flirting but nothing ever happened. While I have often wondered about it and I do practice anal masturbation and oral with a dildo, I know it's not the same as the real thing, but I have never had an opportunity for something to happen. I've had casual sex with women in the past, but with men, I need to have a connection with someone before I could consider it. Being married now, I haven't given it much thought until recently.

    A new colleague started working with me last year and I can't stop thinking about him and what it would be like to be close to him. Not just for sex, but also do be in a relationship with him. We get along very well and chat almost everyday. He's openly gay, but I have not come out to anyone yet. I keep thinking I want to have my first real life experience with him. I've flirted with him a little, paid him compliments on how he looks, but I'm not sure if he's picked it up. Probably because I'm married and he doesn't know I'm bi.

    Over the years I've had crushes on other women and men, but it usually goes away at some point, but this one isn't. I'm really not sure what I should do!
     
    #1 SteveBi45, Jun 7, 2021
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  2. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    Is your marriage open or some sort of poly or is it monogamous (even if just by default as many people who marry assume that it means monogamy)? If not then you should probably first work on making sure that your wife is going to be ok with you having other experiences.

    If it is then a good starting point would be to come out to this guy as both bisexual and poly. From there the flirting and such will have a new context and might lead to things.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, Jun 7, 2021
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  3. SteveBi45

    SteveBi45
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    I'm very much in a monogamous relationship. It's something that's very important to my wife. I also haven't come out to my wife yet. I guess in some strange way I thought that having some sort of IRL experience might push me into coming out to my wife. Now that I type it it's a crazy idea. I guess I need to try to get over the crush somehow.
     
    #3 SteveBi45, Jun 7, 2021
  4. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    That would mean cheating, I have been cheated against and it is awful. It would be entirely appropriate for her to be angry with you in that case. I am poly and if someone is honest with me I have no problem with them having someone else but cheating is a different thing. By coming out first and then trying to negotiate a poly agreement at least you will be honest with her in every way. If you are interested at all in keeping a relationship with her I think that you owe it to her to start by coming out to her. If she has no interest in being poly and you decide that your having the same sex experience is more important than staying with her then I think that it would be best to end things with her first.
     
    #4 QuietPeace, Jun 7, 2021
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  5. SteveBi45

    SteveBi45
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    I totally agree, and I'm not a cheater. Never have been.

    I want more than anything to keep our relationship. This is what is so difficult right now. I fear that coming out to her will just shatter everything.
     
    #5 SteveBi45, Jun 7, 2021
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  6. PatrickUK

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    I tend to agree with QP that you need to have the conversation with your wife before trying anything with a guy. I can totally appreciate how daunting it is to open up about your feelings for other men, but it really is the only way forward. May I also suggest that you don't try to keep a lid on it, because these feelings don't go away.
     
    #6 PatrickUK, Jun 7, 2021
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  7. SteveBi45

    SteveBi45
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    Thank you for the advice everyone. I know you are all right and I need to have a conversation with my wife. I also know I need to have it. It's been on my mind for a long time, particularly the last 2 years since I have found my own clarity on my sexuality. I just need to get that courage.
     
    #7 SteveBi45, Jun 8, 2021
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  8. arken1

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    I believe I see 3 outcomes.
    1. you talk to your wife.
    2. you never experience something you really want to experience (and arguably, something you should).
    3. you cheat and hope she doesn't find out.

    My thoughts are: 3 is pretty risky and probably unethical. So let's eliminate that one.

    But 2 is also unethical! You're denying yourself something you deserve as a human. It's hard for me to say that marriage is sacred when something like... 70% (I think?) of them end at some point or are shaky at best. I'm not wanting to argue about it, just to make the point that it's an ideal that is seldom attained. Or fake.

    So that leaves #1. There's several ways to talk about it. Do you think you can crack open the subject just a little with her, rather than just saying 'HEY! I'm bi and want this dude" lol. You have needs as well. And you're trying to find a way to explore without hurting her (that is, NOT choosing #3!!!).
    Maybe find some books, a therapist, a sex specialist, anyone with experience in this area. It seems to me there is some compromise opportunities there, but it will take some work to navigate them. You need to equip yourself with knowledge and a plan. Otherwise, you say you know how she'll react, so that means whatever you're planning now isn't going to work.
     
    #8 arken1, Jun 25, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2021
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  9. SteveBi45

    SteveBi45
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    I've been thinking about this over the past couple of weeks and have come to the same conclusions. Option 3 is a no go for me. I'm not a cheater and couldn't imagine doing this. I love my wife and the family we have. This leads me to option 1 - I'm struggling with this a lot! Is it worth raising this now and possibly damaging this relationship for someone who may not even feel the same. It's a crush I have on someone. I've had crushes on women in the past and as a married man I have conscientiously decided not to act on them. The difference this time is about option 2 that you mention - do I miss an opportunity to have this experience.

    For now I am still considering what to do.
     
    #9 SteveBi45, Jun 30, 2021
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  10. DaisysMomTracy

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    Thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck in navigating this. I liked the additional idea of therapy. Your therapist could help you in speaking with your wife when the time is right. They could bring her in on a session. Yes, she'll know something's up, but the honest way is the best way, we all seem to chime on that point.
     
    #10 DaisysMomTracy, Jul 5, 2021
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