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Reading about my uncle...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. baristajedi

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    This may all sound a bit weird, but I felt like sharing. I'm feeling some kind of need to connect to something and I can't really put my finger on why. I had this uncle, my mom's uncle actually, and I've always known his story since I was little, I knew him until I was 2, then he died. He was gay, closeted, as you were back then...living in a small rural town, was born in the early 20s, became a local tv/radio celebrity in the 60s, was my mom's favourite uncle, perpetual bachelor. He was caught with a man in the tv station late one night, and fired. Big town scandal. He was also a war hero, funny, kind. And he died in the 80s from what my mom thinks now may have been aids but we're not sure.

    I have always felt some kind of connection to him or, need to connect. Something about his life story, the fact that he was so close to my mum, and my mum's claim that I was really attached to him as a baby/toddler, has always drawn me to learn more about him.

    I found some pictures of him online and some nostalgic writing about him and his show... it's interesting.

    I think when I think about his life, and then I think about mine, it helps me in some way. Some sense of a bond in our different struggles that stem from similar things, makes me feel like I have a foundation to move forward, maybe even a responsibility (?) to live my life to the fullest.

    I wonder what he'd be like if he'd have lived as long as he should have... I wish I could have gotten to know him the way I knew my grandparents.

    Anyway, random post i know. Sorry if this doesn't really resonate with anyone!

    Ps because I haven't posted in a while, do maybe I should give a very brief update, I feel every day like I'm making progress in feeling more confident and happy... I met with a counsellor to get an initial assessment for counselling, so that starts soon. I feel something lately about being present, and noticing things in my life that seems to bring me greater joy. But on the other hand I do feel some call to close off things from the past and I think I'm making progress there.... I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to feeling greater peace with my life path but I'm not there yet. Anyway, that's where things are for me :slight_smile:. How are you all doing?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Mar 22, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2018
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  2. looking for me

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    odd that I should see this today. mom messaged me this morning that one of dads brothers passed. I haven't seen him since like 1975 or 76. I always wondered why he never came back to Newfoundland. ive always suspected he was gay or some part of the LGBTQ+ community, especially after I came out myself.
     
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  3. looking for me

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    also, very happy you're making progress, the counseling will help with that I think. HUGS hun.
     
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  4. baristajedi

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    I'm sorry to hear he passed. What made you think he might have been gay? I feel like we're looking for connections sometimes, at least I do, I've always sort of been drawn to my queer "family" long before I came out, I was always spending time in queer spaces, with queer friends. I feel like knowing my uncle better would have given me some kind of comfort in a similar way.
     
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  5. baristajedi

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    Hugs back to you! How are you doing? :slight_smile:

    I was surprised yesterday at the counselling assessment how much ground we covered...it's at the LGBT centre, and they know me there pretty well, so i didn't have to give background as much as launch into "here's what's happening".
     
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  6. looking for me

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    yaayyy a good counselor can cover a lot of ground. im doing well, well better. my counselor is working on building my resilience for when I go full time. she has me posting little affirmations around my house, one is in the kitchen and says 'I am Sarah-Dena' I figure my dad saw it yesterday when he came down to fix a pipe while I was at work. he didn't say anything when I was talking to him later about another matter. so.....
     
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  7. looking for me

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    honestly? I don't know but he was next to dad I think in age so going and living his truth half way across the country would be in line with his generation.
     
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  8. baristajedi

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    Sarah-Dena is so beautiful by the way :slight_smile: I'm glad you're getting the support you need from your counsellor. You've got massive strength and I know you'll get through al the hurdles. And we'll be here to listen when you need to get things off your chest. Don't let your dad penetrate the strength you're building; it sounds like you're not, but I'm just putting that out there as a reminder to stay strong. I'm so proud of all the steps you're taking, it's amazing how far you've come!

    About your uncle, I understand, there's an intuition sometimes because we know what it feels like to need to get to a space where you can be free. I hope he was able to live his life as true to himself as possible.
     
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  9. brainwashed

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    Yep thats the way it was handled back then. It's called survival.
     
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  10. looking for me

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    thank you hun, you always give me the warm and fuzzies. :slight_smile: I'm have and I'm building a good support network. plus I'm trying to get into the city with work, and then starting a Sociology degree part time.
     
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  11. baristajedi

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    I'm just thinking about the clarity we have about this, seeing clearly that this is survival, because we know how impossible it was to be out back then, how dangerous and isolating it was to be gay. But we put a lot more pressure/guilt on ourselves. I'm trying to get myself to a place where I can look back at my abuse, and at the messages about being gay and genderqueer/butch when I was a kid/young adult and to say to myself the path I took in my life is the one that felt safest to me. I want to have that clarity for me. I'm not there yet, I'm trying to get there!
     
  12. baristajedi

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    You do the same for me! :slight_smile: that's all awesome! I'm so glad you're building all of these things :slight_smile:
     
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  13. Rana

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    This is a lovely thing to remember your uncle in such a way. Thanks for sharing that. I definitely feel similar with respect to being on the path to greater inner peace. I know there will be bumps on the road as I continue the coming out process, but every little step I've take so far to live my truth has felt incredible...almost like shedding pieces of armor that built up for years. It's liberating, and peaceful.

    Your post made me think of an uncle I have who was always thought by our family to be gay. He lives in a Middle Eastern country where homosexuality is a crime punishable by death. Needless to say, he has never come out. When he was a child, his mother (my grandmother) took him to the psychiatrist frequently in what I imagine were attempts to "cure" him. This makes me so sad. I have photos with him from when he was in his twenties and he was holding me as an infant. He was so beautiful. I got the chance to travel and see him about 10 years ago. He's the sweetest soul, and broken, and still sometimes hopeful. He refuses to leave his country even though he can. It's his choice. I would really like to tell him about myself but I haven't found the courage for that yet. I know he wouldn't "out" me before I'm ready to do that. I don't know what I fear in telling him I'm a lesbian.
     
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  14. baristajedi

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    That's great Rana, it sounds like your moving forward in big ways!
    It's heartbreaking to hear your uncle's story.. What made the family think he's gay? Do you think he is? It's so hard to think of the pain he's had to go through. He sounds also like a lovely person.

    Do you think your hesitancy to bring up your identity is a worry that it might bring up difficult emotions for him? I think if you approach it with love and understanding it might be a very healing thing for him. You never know until you try. I would say try opening up. It may lead to nothing but may also lead to good things.
     
    #14 baristajedi, Mar 23, 2018
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  15. baristajedi

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    Just a couple more reflections...

    I'm thinking about the life my uncle led, his smile and his humour and the happiness and silliness he brought to my mom. She said she felt like he was more of an older brother because he was younger than her parents and lived with them for points of her childhood, at some point he had an RV he lived from behind their house. She would lie on his bed reading his Archie comics and they'd have a lot of laughs.

    I think when I think about my own life, the things I didnt let myself experience or embrace werent all of who I was, I think there's some sense of loss and conflict in desires when I think about my own life path. But I want to regain the perspective of my life path, ive had lots of meaningful and joyful experiences in my life.

    I think I need some perspective in general, coming out of this tragedy with my partner's ex has shaken my sense of clarity that I'd been building since I'd started coming out and I need to regain that somehow....maybe that comes from more time on my own, to reflect.
     
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  16. Rana

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    From what I understand, the family learned he was gay after there was a fallout between him and one of his sisters who kept trying to fix him up with women. There was some verbal altercation and after that, his siblings sort of "learned" he was gay, briefly spoke of it, and then never discussed it again. Maybe he blurted it out or something, I'm not quite sure. When I asked family members, I got an "I don't know" and quick change of subject.

    I haven't told him about myself because some part of me isn't ready to tell family yet. I don't think he'd out me, so it's not that. It's more of me putting the "coming out to family" task as something to be done, and I'm not ready for it yet. I've only slowly started coming out to friends, and only really close ones at that. I came out to myself a year ago. It has been a bumpy road, but little by little I'm becoming more courageous.