I have been writing here about my questioning and my marriage situation. This is just some random stuff about my week, didn't really achieve anything, just a lot of thoughts. This week i had a different work week. I had someone getting to know my work place and see me working, what i do during the days etc. She spent a couple hours every day just in my room, checking what i did. I had met her before briefly, thought she was nice. But when i spent some time with her, major crush. She is super cute and very nice person. We joked around a bit and talked, no flirting, nothing like that. But i seriously crushed on her and had some hard time to be in a same room with her. When she left she thanked me about the week and said some nice things about me. The thing about compliments is that i don't know how to receive them. I don't know what to say. And after that becomes second guessing, why would she say that, she is just being nice to me, that can't be true. Maybe she just felt pity towards me and tried to make me feel better. Although i kinda know that she meant that, that i am a nice person. But i can't still believe it. The thing is that there never can be anything between us, she's married, well i'm married too. But she probably isn't even bi. But it doesn't really matter, it was nice to feel something towards a woman, made me feel that maybe i haven't been imagining everything. I could imagine me kissing her, it would have been wonderful. And i know that somewhere along the line i will crush on someone again, and again. And at some point someone will eventually have mutual feelings towards me. I had some alone time this weekend, my husband was away. It is a nice change, we usually are always here together. It seriously starts to feel that i need some alone time. And i noticed that i was relieved when he was away. I didn't really miss him. But when i think about leaving him, that's where it gets tricky. I feel so sad. I see some stuff and think about him, when we were young. I just can't really think about a future without him. Without living with him. It feels like when you think about doing something big, like when you get some money, you are gonna go and travel the world. But you never will do it, it is just a dream you have but then life happens, you just think it is not a right time, you push it later and in the end you notice that you never actually will do anything like that. And you never actually was going to, you just found excuses to not do it. Well, maybe it feels like ending a childhood. That i have to grow up, leave everything behind. Just stand on my own two feet and survive on my own. And that is a frightening thought. I have so many fears, i seem to want some change in my life but i am unable to actualize my wants. It feels like i'm stuck. And i noticed i don't really have any friends (besides my husband). I don't really have anyone i could talk to about these feelings. He is supporting me, but i feel that i can't talk to him about everything. It's just plain weird. I have been thinking about talking with my mom about my situation. But she has her own problems and besides, i don't maybe want to be out just yet. Of course if we end our marriage and all that i'm going to tell her the real reasons, that is something i know. I guess i just took a hard look on my life and didn't really see a lot of things i liked. But still i seem to be unable to do anything about those things. Why it has to be this hard, why life isn't easy, even once in my life. Every day i see confident people around me, people that are living their dreams, people who are happy. Why can't i be one of those people.
