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Random memories from childhood

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by musicheals315, Mar 21, 2017.

  1. musicheals315

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    For other people on here who are not only coming out later in life, but recognizing that they are LGBT later in life, do you find yourself having random memories that click that was probably a sign/indicator that you were completely gay without knowing it? The other day I was on facebook a friend liked something that was about a girl I knew in middle school and all of a sudden remembered how excited I was when I found out my best friend was friends with this girl and we would all be able to hang out together. And then just a few minutes ago someone posted a clip from an episode of the Brady Bunch and I realized I only ever paid attention to the girls. It's times like this that I REALLY wish I had a pensieve like Dumbledore and could pull out all these old memories and re-examine them. Anyone else have these experiences?
     
  2. tealreality

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    Yes. When I started questioning, I began to recognize and examine all sorts of memories that previously I either did not recognize or just plain denied as evidence of my true sexuality. It was amazing to realize how much evidence was there, and going all the way back to when I was a kid.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    from my experience, this is most definitely a common phenomenon. For me, it was focusing on numerous male characters in various 80's sitcoms; the admiration I had for them, and shall I dare say, the crushes I had as well :slight_smile:
     
  4. Imjustjulien

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    Sounds so familiar. This is my first here, and about 'memories from childhood' they are so strong, and the older I get then more I realise their meaning. It is like switching on a bright lamp in a room that has always been lived in shadows, keeping away from the window so no one will see me and guess its me in here.. A bit out there, or 'in there' as the case may be, but true.. I'm not sure whether its appropriate to describe or share those childhood and youthful experiences and memories here. Maybe someone could let me know please.
     
    #4 Imjustjulien, Mar 22, 2017
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  5. quebec

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    musicheals315...I'm not sure if I fit into your post/question because I think I am almost the exact opposite of what you describe. However, I too have spent a lot of time looking back over memories...so I'll explain. I didn't go through a "questioning" phase, I always knew I was gay. I just didn't accept it or admit it to myself for a very long time. When I finally did "come out" to myself, I went through a time where I wondered if something in my past had "caused" me to be gay. It was at that point that I began examining every memory I had that even came close to having a sexual "flavor". After several weeks of really seriously thinking about all those kind of things that had happened to me, I came to the conclusion that nothing in my past caused me to be gay, that this was how I had always been. So I may have done the self-examination for the opposite reason, but I did take a really hard look at my memories.....David
     
  6. Worker Bee

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    Now I've realised that I'm not actually a lesbian looking back over my life a lot of things make sense.

    Lesbian seemed to fit what I was or I thought I was at the time as the beautiful rainbow of genders and identities were unknown to me.

    Now I realise I'm agender and asexual a lot makes sense to me. I've always been uncomfortable in my own skin and never liked having a female name.

    I wish I could have known what I am decades ago as I think a lot of my mental issues stem from all the confusion and loneliness I have felt from feeling like I don't fit it.

    I now feel more at peace with myself than I ever have.
     
  7. Lexington

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    Sort of. I can remember seeing a music video on TV that featured a nude male from behind, and I was more than a little intrigued by it, for instance.

    That said, in retrospect, all these things are a hints. Suggestions. And I think it's a mistake to think of everything I did in my youth was a clue to what I am and what I'd become. I also recall placing a large stuffed animal in my bed, taking a large flat book into my small closet, coming out of said closet (ha!), walking over to my stuffed animal in bed, pretending to check his pulse and whatnot, and pretending to write stuff down on the "clipboard" that my book was standing in for. I was playing "soap opera doctor", really - coming out of the "elevator" to check on a "patient". Had I become either a doctor or an actor, one might have pointed to that as "proof" that I was destined to be a doctor or an actor. But, y'know, I ain't either one, so... :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #7 Lexington, Mar 22, 2017
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  8. Snow

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    I can remember these ransoms scenes from my childhood, such as when I asked my Mum if I could open a chocolate bar from Halloween or when I was sitting on the doorstep of our house, open a soybean pod. I must have been 3 or 4 years old when I did that. Yet, I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. Time flies...
     
  9. Zoe

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    This totally happens to me. My wife and I joke about the "clues" that were all throughout my early life. But it's impossible to see what you refuse to acknowledge or don't know in the first place.

    The beauty of hindsight.
     
  10. angeluscrzy

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    I've gotten that feeling a lot. I remember being completely obsessed with Christian Slater when I was younger. I knew I liked him more than I "should", but also knew I wasn't supposed to be like that.
    Its so weird to look back now and realize how part of me always knew I wasn't straight, but I just couldn't accept it then.
     
  11. Choirboy

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    Same here. My partner and I will look at each other with a grin and remark, "Another missing piece of the puzzle", or "Another missed clue".

    The truth is, though, that both of us were quite clear about the things we felt. We both remember being attracted to other boys at a young age, and acting in a way that set off all sorts of bells and whistles in our parents. I remember staring at other boys in the shower (thank God I was basically invisible), and I remember a complete, utter lack of interest in girls as anything but friends. But in his case, he had Southern Baptist parents who hammered into his head that gay people were bad, so when he finally realized he was one of "those people", he did his best to bury it so he wouldn't be completely rejected. And in my case, I was so completely clueless about anything to do with orientation, but so very clear that I wanted a family, that by the time I figured it out, I made a kind of semi-conscious decision to choose a straight marriage and kids over coming out.

    So like David/Quebec above, I'd have to say there was nothing that "happened" to make me gay, but plenty of clues that I always was, from my earliest memories, and the more I look back on them, the more I realize that given even the slightest positive exposure to gay men, I would have probably thought, "That's me!" and life would have been very different. But then I wouldn't have had my wonderful kids....so what would have been the greater loss? Spending a chunk of my life in the closet was totally worth turning them loose on the world and having them in my life. I'll laugh about the missed clues, but they're in the past and I'm not going to lose any sleep wishing I'd picked them up earlier.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2017 at 06:31 AM ----------

    angeluscrzy, Christian Slater, you know it! My younger sister also remarked that now she knew why I took her to every move that Matthew Broderick was in back in the 1980's, too. Another missed clue!
     
  12. musicheals315

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    Just to be clear, my original post was in no way supposed to be that I was finding signs that made me gay, just funny to see things now that I didn't realize at the time were my attraction to women.
     
  13. angeluscrzy

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    For me, that was the power of denial. Its like I knew it in a subconscious level. But because it didn't fit the mold of what I thought my life was "supposed to be", then it just seemed it couldn't be right.
    But, now I'm able to really see how I lied to myself, and in doing so built many walls to keep me distant from people.
    Now, trying to just tear them all down.
     
  14. I'm gay

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    These responses, and the original post, really hit home with me. Like Quebec and others, I knew I was gay from an early age but repressed myself because of fear, shame, and guilt. The signs were there, though, all along. Mostly I just ignored the signs and compartmentalized them. After coming out, I spent a great deal of time thinking about the past and uncovering all those memories of my gay feelings that I suppressed, along with crushes on guys (in real life and in pop culture).
     
  15. musicheals315

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    This is EXACTLY what I feel like...considering everything I grew up with was boys like girls/girls like boys, I wouldn't have even considered the possibility that girls like girls or boys like boys, even if I heard that mentioned, it didn't sink in what it was and what it meant, it wasn't something i was supposed to do. I still live such a repressed life that even at 31 years old, I've only ever had one alcoholic beverage with my parents or allowed them to see me with alcohol even though it's been legal for me to do so for 10 years now. And my parents weren't strict, it's just something that to me, I'm not supposed to do, so when I do I feel awkward and almost guilty about it :/
     
  16. angeluscrzy

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    My sexuality has been pretty much the only facet of my life where I worried about what I believed I was supposed to do. Of course as a result of that, I think I've developed a certain loathing for feeling "obligated" to do anything. I found growing up that I was never one to worry much over consequences with pretty much anything else in my life. I did what I wanted and took what came of it.
     
  17. Soundofmusic

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    Yes! Happens to me all the time. I have mini epiphanies constantly. The other day I was working out with a friend and telling her about when I used to go to summer camp and how one year I felt really out of sorts and I SUDDENLY realized it's because I had a huge crush on the girl in the cabin next door. I remember one time she called me by my name and I freaked out because she knew who I was. And I would stare at her all the time hah. CLUES!
     
  18. Justshort

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    Wow my life in a status!
     
  19. anniesims

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    So many times! I didn't realize my strong admirations were actually crushes til much later. First time I understood it was actually a crush it was a girl in high school, I was 16 and it hit me like a ton if bricks. I never persued it, back then people werent open about it. I went back to believing I liked boys and that was that. I thought about her a lot and I think she was/is gay. Still think about her to this day. But anyway, yes Im having "ah ha" moments
     
    #19 anniesims, Mar 26, 2017
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  20. Imjustjulien

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    So many times I have covered my emotions, that internal awkwardness (in school years, at parties, married and as a dad, among mixed company dinner parties) when someone makes a 'gay' joke, on the outside you join in, while on the inside terrified somehow someone will guess, will notice my reaction is an act, are you gay. A whole way of surviving becomes the norm. Ive read aboyt this, and see now how true it is, how I have done this in so many subtle ways all through my life. Now almost 60 and Im beginning to allow-enjoyment-self acknowledgement of those feeling - which are all the time - when I see a nice looking guy, a glance, somehow ones view captures the male physique now with ease. It seems my internal inhibitions have finally fallen away. There comes a time I realise when one decides, not consciously maybe, but somehow there is a click, and decision, a doubt, a fear that falls away. Thats where I am. Tonight while shopping I could not resist checking out a guy, but what was more enjoyable was that I was happy to do so, to look again, to quietly say well done, of course, well after all that me, Im gay. Hooray.