1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Questions For Non-Binary People

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ken867, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. ken867

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am questioning my gender identity and I dot know if I am 100% trans and I'm wondering if I may be non-binary. I have done tons of research but I would like to hear from non-binary people themselves. I don't believe that any of my questions could potentially offend people but if they do please know that that was not my intent. Als I am aware that the answers to these questions may differ for everyone.

    1. Does your gender differ daily/weekly/monthly/situationally get confusing?
    2. If you feel like your gender assigned at birth one day can that make you feel confused even though you may feel differently prior to then or after?
    3. Do all people who are non-binary experience dysphoria?

    I am sure I have more questions but these are the ones I would like to ask for now. If you would also like to talk about your experiences about being non-binary that would also be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Chris2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2018
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm afab and I am bigender/genderfluid. My experience is still confusing and I've accepted myself in January or this year. But I'll answer you questions from my point of view.

    1. My gender tends to change over a slower period of time. From January to April I was completely in guy mode. The dysphoria was terrible. Then over the summer I was in girl mode until july. Flipped back to guy mode until late August and went into an extremely girly feminine mode. And I just went back into guy mode yesterday.

    2. I get confused now that I've accepted my fluidity. Mostly because when I was feeling masculine before I accepted it I fought it and didnt want to deal with it. Now that I've accepted myself,when I slip back onto being female I miss my guy self.

    3. I dont think all non binary people experience dysphoria. I do, but everyone is different.

    If you have more questions please feel free to message me.
     
    ken867 likes this.
  3. ken867

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First off, thank you so much for replying! I really do appreciate it. May I ask how you knew you were bigender/genderfluid?
     
    #3 ken867, Oct 9, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
  4. Chris2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2018
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I dont know if there was a defining moment. I just thought I was sometimes feminine tomboy. But then occasionally I would get jealous of men. Jealous of there beard, there flat chests. My chest is something i hate. I've always disliked my chest. But then I noticed I'm not just a tomboy. I like being viewed as a man sometimes. I like being one of the guys. I do have dysphoria with my chest and lack of body and facial hair.

    I'm not sure I can explain it right. I just made this discovery not long ago and I'm still working out my own stuff.
     
    ken867 likes this.
  5. ken867

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That makes a lot of sense to me. Since I do experience discomfort with my chest also although right now I think I can deal with it? I don't know if that makes sense either. But I had really bad dysphoria about a month ago but now I think I' ok with it. Not feeling like I want to have my chest forever but I'm ok with it for now. Everything you're saying is really making alot of sense for me and I do really appreciate you sharing some of your story with me.
     
  6. Chris2018

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2018
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm the same way. Most of the time I can deal with my chest. There are times I absolutely cant stand it and need them gone now. But there are times they dont bother me to that extent.
     
    ken867 likes this.
  7. i am just me

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2016
    Messages:
    204
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Ken,
    I am nonbinary with no further specific label, though I'm probably a bit closer to the masculine side of the spectrum. But I don't feel the need to specify my gender more exactly. I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can.

    1. Does your gender differ daily/weekly/monthly/situationally get confusing?
    It did for a while, when I was still questioning and not out as trans* and non-binary. I questioned myself really intensly for about half a year and fluctuated between thinking I am mostly cis, nonbinary or maybe ftm trans. After about half a year things slowly got clearer and I started to think more about how I want to express my identity instead of what my identity is. The questioning and confusion improved most when I started talking to people about my identity and changed my name in real life. Nowadays, I very seldomly doubt my identity and think about gender much less in general.

    2. If you feel like your gender assigned at birth one day can that make you feel confused even though you may feel differently prior to then or after?
    I don't really ever feel like my assigned gender. I simply feel like myself and I am far more comfortable not being perceived as my assigned gender or the other binary gender.

    3. Do all people who are non-binary experience dysphoria?
    This is a very general and up-to-debate question. Personally, I do experience both physical and social dysphoria. Though both has gotten much better since I came out and transitioned socially. I know some nonbinary people both online and in real life who don't experience physical dysphoria but do have social dysphoria. I think what's most important to note is that dysphoria doesn't have to be a constant feeling of being miserable. Dysphoria can also be short recurring moments of feeling uncomfortable with being perceived as a certain gender or having certain gendered physical characteristics.

    If you have any more questions, don' hesitate to ask or drop me a board message :slight_smile:
    Best Noah
     
    poetrycat and ken867 like this.
  8. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,836
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi there! None of your questions are offensive.

    1/ my gender identity is situational, not fluid over time but fluid in terms of intimacy and outward perception. I feel like a woman with my girlfriend and as a mum. That’s it, ha. Otherwise I’m mostly androgynous and/or masculine.

    2/ confused may be the wrong word, but I do find a lot of the time that my gender is a puzzle, and that I’m slowly cracking it over time. But I do know that my gender is super f*ing queer and it always has been! So I’m clear in knowing I’m not cis, but lack clarity in exactly how I see my gender. I don’t feel like a man, I mostly don’t feel like a woman. O do strongly feel in between.

    3/ a lot of non binary folks do experience dysphoria but many don’t and some experience it mildly and some strongly and it could be for only one body part or social experience not all parts of gender identity. Me - I have sort of mild dysphoria. Social transition mostly takes care of it for me.


    I hope some of that is helpful. Tell us more about your feelings in these areas if you’re comfortable.
     
    ken867 likes this.
  9. LumiS

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2018
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hi Ken!

    I'm gender fluid and am happy to share part of my experience.
    1. My gender changes very frequently (I've experienced up to 7 major shifts in a day, plus many minor shifts). I haven't since coming out to myself experienced a 24-hour period when my gender has not fluctuated in some capacity. I know some people who identify as gender fluid who have less frequent gender changes. It was definitely a bit confusing at first, but now that I've gotten used to it fluctuating it's become more of a discomfort type of thing (see below). At this point it's a matter of correctly assessing what my needs are for my gender and how I express myself at a moment in time.

    2. Some days I do feel like the gender I was assigned at birth. Those days are less confusing and more of just feeling "right" in my own body (I have not physically transitioned at all just yet, and I may never do so. Those decisions take time). The best way to describe how I feel at times on those days is "on edge," since I know my gender could potentially shift drastically without warning. What's helped me is knowing that while I may feel "cis," I'm not actually cis, and not losing sight of that has done wonders for me.

    3. I cannot speak for anyone else non-binary, but I do experience dysphoria and dismorphia on both ends of the spectrum (and to a degree in between). I can generally deal with some of the dysphoria by changing the clothes that I wear, but the dismorphia can be bad if I am toward the "extreme" ends of the gender spectrum (I personally track my gender). Generally my clothing choices can do a degree help reduce the dysphoria, but the dismorphia is something I'm still coping with.

    I hope that helps! I'm happy to address any other questions you may have!
     
    ken867 likes this.
  10. ken867

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you so much for your reply! The way you described your gender is how I feel about mine to a certain degree. May I ask how you've been able to deal with your gender changing frequently? Aside from accepting that your gender identity?
     
  11. LumiS

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2018
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Fortunately my gender fluctuations are usually* within one side or area of the spectrum. For example, yesterday I was feeling more on the neutral and female side of the spectrum, so I wore women's underwear and leggings, which were more consistent with how I was feeling. The day before I was feeling more male, so I wore men's underwear and jeans. I tend to carry an emergency pair of underwear with me in my bag throughout the day, in case my gender shifts and I need to change what I'm wearing to combat dysphoria.

    I also like to keep some lip gloss on me which can help if I'm feeling more male and then have my gender shift towards female. I'll put the lip gloss on which helps me stay less anxious until I can change into something more comfortable.

    That's a pretty long description, and I can't really say what will work for you. Changing clothes and makeup is the main way I cope. Something I've also found useful is breathing exercises and doing a self-check. Breathing exercises can help you stay calm/calm down in the middle of an anxiety attack, and if I do end up having an anxiety attack, I will take a few minutes to do a basic rundown of how my body is feeling at that moment. I'm effectively taking stock of the dysphoria and dismorphia. I like this since it helps me feel more valid and also allows me to assess where my gender is at.

    The last way I cope is generally finding someone to talk to or distracting myself. If you have good, understanding friends, they will hopefully be willing to take a few minutes to talk with you and make you feel better. I enjoy nature and video games, so worst-case if nothing seems to be working, I can always go for a walk or play a favorite game if the weather isn't good. If you can find your "happy place," then when dysphoria hits and hits hard, you can try and go there to calm yourself down.

    Since I can only speak to my experience, you may find that other things work well for you. I encourage you to see what other people might suggest as well, and if there is a trans/LGBTQ support group in your area, you may be able to get additional ideas for what could help there.

    Best of luck!

    ~Lumi
     
    ken867 likes this.
  12. Hats

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2015
    Messages:
    374
    Likes Received:
    38
    Location:
    Neverland
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Ken. Like LumiS I'm also genderfluid, and my experience is similar to theirs.

    1. I would say my gender fluctuates at least once a week, but I haven't been tracking it so I'm not really sure.

    2. Two years ago, when I was first coming to terms with my gender, I’d flip quite frequently between distinctly male and distinctly female (with one 20-minute pop of agender last year) but since then it’s largely stabilised on a baseline. However, as far as I can tell that baseline is “repression” so I don’t really know what it is.

    3. No, they don’t. I have at least one acquaintance in real life who is also genderfluid and doesn’t experience dysphoria. I do experience it, approximately monthly, although for some reason I’ve been free of it since August. It used to be a lot more frequent.

    I hope that helps! I'm also open to answering questions. :slight_smile:
     
    LumiS and ken867 like this.
  13. ken867

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you so much for your reply! I do have a question and I do know that you don't represent the whole community and that everyone's answers will/could be different, but how did you know that you were genderfluid? Was there ever a time that stands out to you as the defining moment? And does it sometimes get confusing having your gender fluctuate?
     
  14. poetrycat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2017
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi! I know this post was a posted a bit ago, but I wanted to contribute.
    I'm nonbinary, but more specifically I identify as bigender. For me, being bigender is not switching between two genders but having two genders simultaneously.

    1. I find my gender pretty confusing. One odd thing is when I started questioning my gender, I still felt attached to my assigned gender at birth. I don't feel that way anymore. It might have been because the entire thing was still new to me.
    However, that isn't the only reasoning I find my gender confusing. Generally, my gender is hard to define. I identify as bigender because it's the best way to describe my gender but my genders kind of blend together. I still have two, but it can be hard to tell at times.

    2. I personally only really felt like this at the beginning, though sometimes I do feel less dysphoric.
    One thing that is hard for me is that, in the past, I built a lot of my identity around being female. Now, I associate those parts of my identity with being female. That can definitely make me feel confused and frustrated, because I know I'm not female.

    3. I don't know. I personally experience both body and social dysphoria, so I couldn't really say. I think it's definitely possible to have only one of those, or to have fluctuating dysphoria and be nonbinary. I'm not sure if it's possible to have no dysphoria, but I still don't feel comfortable telling people they're not nonbinary, so if they say they are, I'll respect it. Even if it's a phase or something, I don't think that's a bad thing. It's okay to experiment with your gender identity.
     
    ken867 and UMedusa like this.
  15. antaeus

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2018
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Kansas
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    1. It does get situationally confusing to me. I don't think I'd describe it as my gender changing because I feel uncomfortable identifying myself as any gender, but how I want to live socially and what physical traits I want varies. I just always prefer calling myself non-binary or genderqueer than anything else. I used to identify as a trans man, though, and that felt right at the time, but now it doesn't. I don't think I was wrong at the time, though, I think my gender probably changed.
    2. It used to, but I've mostly just learned to throw up my hands at it. I've spent most of my life identifying as & being perceived as a girl, and I often want to present that way. Even though I'm not a girl, I think some level of identification with it is inevitable for me.
    3. No, I know a lot of non-binary people who don't. People experience things in a lot of different ways. I'd recommend not worrying much about what other people say and just focusing on how you feel comfortable identifying--it's your gender, not anyone else's.
     
    ken867 likes this.
  16. Beckett G

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2018
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Family only
    To start off, I identify as a nonbinary guy. (Keep in mind I'm also afab). I mostly refer to myself as a guy, since most of the time, I feel about 90% male. (If that makes sense.)

    1. My gender personally is fairly fluid, in the sense of feeling entirely male one day, and occassionally feeling as if I am neither male nor female. Some days are also in between male and neither.

    2. I never feel female, my assigned gender, but there are days when I feel more 'neither' that I do get confused. I get doubts as to if I'm not actually a guy. These neither days normally aren't sudden, either. I'll gradually shift into it, and shift back out of it as time goes on.

    3. Not all nonbinary people feel body dysphoria, HOWEVER, discomfort with your assigned gender is dysphoria in itself. (Gender dysphoria.). So if one defines dysphoria as discomfort with gender, but not necessarily body, then yes, all nonbinary people do experience some level of GENDER dysphoria. BODY dysphoria is something that not all nonbinary people experience. I personally am uncomfortable with my body in relation to gender, so I experience body dysphoria. But, I have heard of others who only have discomfort with their assigned gender.
     
    ken867 likes this.
  17. Lgbtqpride

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2018
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Gender/race does not matter to me, we are all humans.
     
    Mihael and ken867 like this.
  18. MzMrAlexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2017
    Messages:
    121
    Likes Received:
    64
    Location:
    South Central North Carolina, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Hmm... Non-Binary. Genderfluid, Gender-Queer or however many other terms people use these days brings to mind a familiar line...

    "A Rose by any other Name would Smell as Sweet"

    Like many gender non-conforming people I too have read, taken tests and tried to intellectualize that which is not based on intellect, but feelings, with pretty much the same results... I used to tell myself I'm this or I'm that or to find a term that describes who in "essence" I am from Society's viewpoint. These days I tend to challenge all of it and here's why -

    "Gender" is entirely subjective. Depending on the culture what is considered as more "Masculine' or "Feminine" can vary to a fairly large degree, but even if we limit our view to Western / European type norms the truth is that it is best defined as a line or line segment with infinite points between male and female, and if we look at it objectively most people slide around on that line depending on the situation they are in and their comfort level.

    Then we have this whole "Gender Dysphoria" thing.. Which by definition is "a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life" or more specifically with gender, when the truth is I think that there are a binary people, especially those that fall into the extreme ends of the gender spectrum who are just as ill at ease as those that fall towards the middle or the "wrong" end for their physical sex because who they are as an individual does not fit the perceived societal norms. So if you really get down to brass tacks the whole Dysphoria thing is really not an individual thing, it's Peer pressure driven by culture and non-acceptance by society and manifests itself when individuals look to the group or allow the group to determine their sense of being acceptable. The reason I am saying this is not to deny individual's discomfort or "Dysphoria" but to point out that it's the effect of a flawed society no different than how Genders other than male or female are still considered to be a "Condition" or "Illness", in effect placing blame for the ills of Society on the Individuals who fall outside of the box - and not all Societies have the same issues with gender and sexuality that ours does.

    Sorry for getting on a soap box, but when I started thinking about and trying to answer your questions I felt the need to preface my answers..

    1. For me personally I don't really feel confused by where I'm at on the gender line at a given point in time. There was a time before I realized who (and what) I am that many things just didn't make sense, but that was a long time ago. As for cycling at this point I tend to be pretty consistent so any cycling tends to occur more slowly and I think that it is driven more by life events (ie too busy making a living to live) interfering with being able to just relax and be me if that makes any sense... more of a no time to consider it thing than actually cycling.

    2. Not at all, though before I was more aware it sometimes did when my feelings didn't make sense.

    3. No.. but I think that all but a very small minority have until they have figured out who they are and have come to the point of accepting their self, which can take a long time to happen depending on the individual. Personally I always knew I was different and didn't fit, and it took me close to 40 years to really understand who I am and close to another 10 to fully accept myself, but that includes not only my being more female than male and being fluid, but also understanding that I am also an empath, which I feel is very relevant to my being gender fluid and goes hand in hand with it ~ but that's a topic for another time.
     
    Mihael and ken867 like this.
  19. ken867

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you so much for your reply! It was very in depth and gave me a good understanding of what gender means to you. I would love to hear more about your experiences if you up for it! If not, totally understand. Thank you so much.
     
  20. Hats

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2015
    Messages:
    374
    Likes Received:
    38
    Location:
    Neverland
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Sorry I haven’t responded sooner!

    The defining moment happened in April 2016. I felt my gender switch over the course of about 15 minutes and then I got slammed with dysphoria. It took about an hour and a half to slide all the way back again and for the dysphoria to wear off.

    Yes, it gets confusing. Sometimes I have a long gap between switches, which makes me wonder if I’m still fluid or whether I’ve stabilised indefinitely. In the early days it was worse because I switched much more frequently and I didn’t know what to do to make things easier. I still wonder from time to time if I’m binary trans but can’t admit it, but the fact that I still get dysphoria from time to time does make it easier not to climb back into the cis closet.