Questioning yet again

First thing first short account of my coming out and history.

I have always been attracted to women, always, but for most of my life, I never knew that being a lesbian is a thing. So I would get a crush on a woman in a movie or in real life and I would have super elaborate fantasies about them, but in my fantasies I was never the main character, it was always a guy, a sort of alter ego. That was I guess because I didn't imagine that I as a woman could act out on those sexual and romantic fantasies with another woman. Was a very strange thing to be honest, but not very uncommon I would guess. Later in life, in university I started to replace my alter-ego with myself when the subjects of my crushes became more real ( 2 TAs ). But I wasn't gay in my mind, I was so terrified of that idea that I would not accept it and most of the time my mind didn't even entertain the notion.

As to my relationship with men, they have always been my best friends. I would feel comfortable around guys because I always regarded them as my bros. We could do fun things together, sports, video games, computers, checking out chicks But not for a long time have I had any sexual attraction, or attraction at all for a guy. I would say I did have some crushes on guys in middle school, but I really can't say if it was a real thing, or I just wanted boys to like me because all my friends were having boyfiriends and I thought that was the thing to do. I really need to figure that one out.

Fast forward to last year, I was 24, trough a friend I meet a friend of hers ( she's gay ) and I have a huge crush, gigantic on her. I honestly think I was in love with her. Experimented all sorts of weird stuff that I have never ever in my life felt. Couldn't sleep at night because I was thinking of her, hell I was thinking of her all the time. When I was talking to her I felt a deep hole in my stomach and sometimes I could say I felt physically sick. It was really really intense, and a first for me. We dated for a couple of months or more but nothing came of it since she was still in some business with an ex. Anyways, she was the one who made the deal for me ... I was gay and I had to accept it and for the most part the conclusion and acceptance came naturally. I told my best friend, her answer was something like: "yeah ... I know , chill " and eventually to some other close friends. All was fine in paradise. Soon after that I met another girl, she was an ex colleague of mine from university whom I haven't seen from first year and we started dating. That has been going on on and off for 6 months, but really it kind of hit a dead end since she is really not sure what and where she;s going with her life and will soon move out of the country. So my relationships haven't really been something of a success but that's not really surprising since I'm learning a lot of stuff as I move along and am as you can tell very inexperienced. That's fine, but I do have one thing that really bothers me and the main reason why I've opened up this thread and that is: in the time between dating someone or when things aren't going particularly good or in the direction I want with the person I'm dating I immediately revert and get consumed by a pattern of thought along this lines: "Am I really gay? What If I'm just deluding myself? Maybe I just constructed this idea in my head cause those girls gave me attention and I was oh so happy to take it? ". Couple this with the fact that I notice that some random guy in the street or at a bar is attractive, in the sense that he is objectively good looking and I go crazy. I go down even more in this train of thought. Yesterday for example I saw a very attractive guy that caught my attention, I went nuts, I couldn't get the thought out of my head: "You're a lesbian, why would you find guys attractive? What is wrong with me? Am I a lesbian really?". And when I say I find someone attractive I just notice him, nothing special, no crushing, no nothing, if I'm being honest I couldn't even care about him.

Another thing to mention, I do tend to get very obsessive when I'm left alone in my head. So I think somehow that if I don't instantly find someone other woman attractive I'm somehow less gay than I imagined, even tough rationally I think it\s pretty normal to not have a new interest just like that after getting out of a dating situation.

Also, I think construct these ideas in my mind, that are to say the least not helpful. For example I went trough , and still on occasion revert to, the "I convinced myself I'm gay just cause guys are not into me" phase. Now that is partially true, the guys are not into me part. While most of my friends are guys and I can easily make friends with guys cause we somehow speak the same language I have never had that thing where guys pursue me in a romantic manner. Now that's most likely because of the way I present myself, In my natural state I never give out the vibe that I may be interested in them in another way other than as friends, and if/when I did it was always because I thought that was the thing to do ( oh, heteronormativity ). I am not attractive in the classical sense, or at least not for men. I sport a short haircut and my dress of choice is jeans + tshirt of the day and my formal wear is a cool well cut jacket, shirt and pants combo. Then there is my way of presenting, I tend to try to dominate conversations, I tend to take initiative when it comes to where do we eat and where do we go and stuff like that. So, given that about me, you can see how thoughts like that can get a grip in an already prone to obsession mind.

That's it, done with the wall of text. For those who have made it this far, what I actually want is just for other people to tell me their experience with this or something similar so I can relate with something.