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Questioning? Please help :/

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Ei Armoa, May 31, 2019.

  1. Ei Armoa

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
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    Other
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    A few people
    It’s been driving me absolutely crazy for the past few weeks. I’m not sure if I’m just a gender-noncomforming female or if I’m trans. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

    Some background:

    -When I was in kindergarten there was this girl who’s mom let her wear boy clothes and I thought it was the coolest, most godly thing ever. I begged my mom to buy me boy clothes and over the years we settled on tomboy clothes instead
    -I was friends with all the guys in my neighborhood and when we all reached that prime where we began to become teens I was really confused when they all started treating me differently and eventually stopped being friends with me
    -Ever since my close friend came out as questioning and then nonbinary, I haven’t been able to let go of the T in LGBTQ+....I’ve watched so many trans videos and I’m not sure why but I have. They make me feel kinda better ig
    -Try to hide chest in public; sometimes start to panic before retelling myself that girls normally have chests and to not worry about it
    -Hate looking in mirrors and hate seeing myself in pictures; any confidence I somehow had before is g o n e
    -Much prefer masculine or baggy clothes over tight; tight shirts make me really self conscious and I end up thinking about it all day
    -Wish I could have the body I had before puberty
    -Spent many nights ironically daydreaming about what it’d be like to wake up the next day and go to school as a boy
    -Only ever draw boys and only ever role play as/ choose male characters to play as in video games
    -Despise being grouped with girls or associated with typically feminine things
    -Uncomfortble wearing swim suit
    -Euphoria-esque feel when wearing masc clothes or being referred to as “he”
    -Name has recently felt off for some reason...like it’s not quite right. Being called she/her gives same vibes
    -Long-time fascination with boy names

    I do have a therapist I’m pretty close with but am afraid of bringing this all up over the possibility of it becoming a huge deal and my homophobic and transphobic dad finding out :’D

    If you need me to clarify on anything go ahead and ask! (Within reason of course) I’m absolutely brand new to the site so I’m not quite sure how this all works but hello!
     
  2. Flynn S

    Full Member

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    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey there! Questioning your gender can be a stressful process so I do recommend you talk to your therapist about it. You shouldn't worry too much about other people finding out because your therapist should have some sort of privacy/disclosure policy.

    One of the things I focused on when I was questioning was what exactly I knew I wanted. I wanted a deeper voice because I couldn't stand the sound of what mine was. I wanted, similarly to what you wrote, to have the body I had before puberty because I missed my flat chest and smaller hips. I wasn't quite sure what euphoria meant or what dysphoria was supposed to feel like and I was terrified of making it a big deal and drawing a lot of attention to myself. So I just followed what I thought felt right.

    How do you feel about being perceived as female? You said she/her pronouns were giving you some discomfort, what about they/them? If he/him makes you feel better, ask some trusted friends (and/or your therapist) to start calling you by them. How would you feel if you had to be a woman for the rest of your life? How would you feel if you had to be a man? How do you (if you can) see yourself in the future? Maybe you could speak to your friend about their experience with being transgender.
     
  3. Ei Armoa

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
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    I'm a bit late but thanks so much for your reply! I'm considering possible having my therapist refer to me as he/him but alas I'm still a scaredy cat at heart and am still working up the courage I've definetly been taking time to ask myself the questions you've provided.

    Thanks again!