Questioning myself again..

I can only go by what you have written, but it seems to me that you really need to understand exactly what your attraction to men is and whether or not you really want a relationship with your current GF. I would always advocate for honesty and openness, but sometimes that can seem more difficult if you have deep roots with your GF. Do you share children, financial dependence, or dwellings with your GF? If not, there will be much less callateral damage if you speak your feelings and she blows things up. Otherwise you must weigh the consequences, but I would still advocate that you tell her the truth. You can start small by simply telling her that you are attracted to men and you're not sure what it means. Even if this winds up being the beggining of the end with her, she may be able to provide you with some support as you go through your journey. Afterall, she is your GF and cares about you. She may get upset and she will likely have to deal with her own things as a result, but you may not have to go it alone.

 

Your struggles were similar to mine. In the end the solution for me was end my straight relationship and embrace my same sex attraction. Like you towards the end of that relationship just the of sexual intimacy with her was repulsive. The issue was mine not hers. In the end I am much happier as a gay man.

 

You are never alone in this situation. I’m also in the same type of ordeal. Mine is far more complicated and long term. If you have the opportunity to easily end your current relationship with your GF I would suggest doing it before you become so entangled that you can’t escape. Explore your desires of other men and enjoy it. This is just my opinion and something I wish I could have learned and chose to do years ago. Good luck.

 

Well, you will have to choose between privacy and having the poyential to live as your true self. I suggest reading as many posts on this site as you can while you are trying to decide.

 

I have been reading posts on this site for awhile now and I have never seen the 'genie go back in the bottle' once men admit they might be gay, a damn bursts.

After I finished reading your post I thought "What's so hard to understand, its so obvious this guy is gay....then I realized the reason for that reaction is that everything you post here I have experienced. The feeling that sex with women is mechanical, and once I began to even question myself, I realized I was largely repulsed by having sex, especially oral, though I can fantasize and strongly desire giving a blow job to man.

Yet, I still try to make up rationalizations and excuses!

I have even seen this as a question on 'kinsey scale' tests (not that a test proves anything but it might help clarify) as a good indicator of sexual feelings.

So, if someone told you that, would you think they are gay or straight?

So minus the fear- if you didn't know anyone you know, would this even be an issue? And if that is the case then the issues isn't denial, its fear.

I have seen a similar pattern with others here and with myself. That can really help cut through all the denial and rationalizations and repression we have had.

 

Out of interest, is your girlfriend still as attractive as she was 2 years ago? Is she still attracted to you as much as she was?

Not wanting to go down on her ≠ gay. Your sexuality isn't the only variable here - but its a pretty big one. Were you ever really into doing that for her? I mean like really into it, like you can't wait to get at it and you can't get enough? Not all guys are. In my limited experience with men, 2 out of 3 didn't want to at all. Its a complaint I've heard from more than a few straight women too. My first boyfriend even told me he would if I got rid of the hair, which I did, and he still didn't. He didn't even get as far as my belly button. Some guys do it but out of obligation and could take it or leave it, maybe thats you? Hell, some lesbians aren't into it either, or don't like the idea of receiving. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Sex gets mechanical between straight people all the time as well. You being bi might not be the only reason you're not feeling it with her anymore. Maybe you just prefer it with guys, or right now you prefer the idea of it because its been a while. I think I prefer sex with women, sometimes thats at the forefront of my mind but sometimes I kinda forget about it. Waffling a bit, but I hope you get the idea. There's a lot of us in the same boat.

 

I think the boat is getting filled to capacity. LOL.

Speaking as a Bi man in a hetero LTR, there are any number of random circumstances that limit the amount and kinds of sex in our relationship. It can be extremely frustrating, because I am down for just about anything. My wife has a much more limited appetite.

All this is to say that the issue may not be the sexual behavior rather than the deeper feelings behind the behavior. The only way to get at that is with an honest conversation with yourself and then with your GF.

 

You were meant to say "You're going to need a bigger boat!"

Coming out to a partner must be really difficult. I've never had to do that.

 

HAHAHAHA! i was going to say that, but didn't, being unsure of the popularity in the UK and also I would be aging myself.

No, it wasn't easy, but my wife was pretty great about it. I also had imediate support from our couples therapist at the time. I think she created a firm backstop to many doubts and fears that I am sure that my wife had.

 

earlier you wrote:

I go through a similar cycle but if I am honest with myself my gay sex fantasies are way more intense than hetero sex.
Only you can decide, but what I realize now is that I may have a little attraction to women so that I am probably 85% 'gay' many gay men can have sex with women, many men on this forum were married to women for years but realized they were gay.

Again, only you can decide, but I made similar rationalizations and excuses. Do you really think same sex fantasies are coming up because you're not satisfied with your current girlfriend but can't have sex with other women? or to balance "polarity"? That's the kind of stuff I told myself, but isn't the simpler answer more likely - you have super intense fantasies about men because you want to have sex with a man? Do you ever get hetero fantasies as intense?

When you do except you are gay how do you feel?

 

My experience is similar to yours but slightly different. I told my husband early in the relationship that I "might be" a lesbian - but I actually already knew that I was. I was in the closet though. So I didn't know if I would actually ever act on it. In the early years of our marriage I would playfully drop hints to see if he would understand. I would tell him about flirtations I had had with women, but I always made it look like it was the other woman interested in me - that I somehow had a gay aura - I didn't tell him that my desire for them was just as strong. When I finally came out of the closet, I stopped talking to him about it. The reason is I want to be free to start a relationship and be under the radar at least for a little while. I am like most of these guys - not anxious to come out to people I know, especially my husband. Now I pretend that I am absolutely straight when I am with him, but I am more open to anyone who doesn't know my family.

 

It may be immoral but I believe it is easier for a married person to have a gay affair than one with the opposite sex, because if I was seeing another man my husband would suspect hanky-panky immediately ( even though I am not into men). With a woman I can say she is just a friend, for a while anyway. My husband knows I am looking for "friends", what a laugh. I told him I want to get out more and do things with other people, he knows that means mostly women, and he doesn't suspect a thing. I often feel guilty . Am I wrong to want this? Am I wrong to be willing to act on it, with no regrets?