I was reading an article about HOCD and the idea that maybe someone who is straight might think that they are gay, and the article made me wonder if I could have OCD. What the difference between OCD and denial? I guess I am wondering if I am making up that I am gay? I don't think I am because I really do feel that my attraction to same sex feels natural, but I feel like I suppressed my identity so long that I think it's taking time for me to fully accept myself. I think I was in denial for much of my life that I liked girls. When I look back, I can see attractions to girls in the form of feeling guilty (I was from a religious Catholic family). For example, one time, I prayed after seeing a women on television half naked. And I can also see that I probably was attracted to my best friend (like I wanted to cuddle with her and once I was little jealous that she went out with her other friends before she watched movies with me). And another time, I had a barbie wedding with two girls! Not to mention, liking a girl in 4th grade. I didn't realize until college that I may not be straight. When I finally did realize I was into girls it was because I saw a girl take off her shirt and suddenly I wanted to kiss her. And this lasted for a month or so (the idea that I was attracted to girls), but when I thought I would go to hell, I suddenly said I didn't like girls. Since then, I met a guy, who was my first relationship, and have been with him for a while. I come from a family that had mental issues so I didn't feel loved, and I think when I felt loved by him and his family, I really wanted to be with him. I don't think I feel physical attraction to guys, though. Before him, I never noticed guys and more often than not found myself agreeing with people that guys were hot but not actually noticing them. Well, I recently realized that I was gay (6 months ago) and was actually accepting it until I read an article about OCD, and I guess it made me wonder. I noticed women (like at the pool or Time Square) during this time that I was in denial but most of the time, I would think something along the lines that they were so sexy even a straight girl would like them. When I realized I was gay last July, it was like opening up a door. All of a sudden, I noticed these thoughts about women and even fantasies. And I have had desires to kiss, hold hands, etc. And I don't think I have felt this way about guys (I feel I can only be emotional attracted to guys)- those fantasies were definitely missing. In addition, when I came out to myself, I felt better about myself, like walls were coming down. I also could identity with many of the forums/youtubers I watched about coming out and I've always felt kind of different but when I went to pride in the past or hung out with LGBT, I just felt better. I guess, what I am wondering, is this normal to suddenly have these types of thoughts/desires when before they didn't really exist (except in those moments like at the pool when the girls have suits on)? I think I wasn't paying attention to my thoughts before and that I distanced myself from girls during these last years. And I feel like I might have answered my own question- that I was in denial, but this was bugging me for a couple hours tonight even though I was so sure of myself for the last few weeks! Thanks!
As far as I am aware, HOCD is not a recognised condition- that is to say, it doesn't actually exist. The OCDUK website says that HOCD "is not a medically recognised term", but I think you know anyway that what you're really experiencing is denial. Religious denial is a very powerful thing and you should be proud that you are starting to accept that you are not straight- you mention no sexual interest in guys, and you don't appear to have been romantically interested in your last partner, so I'll hedge my bets and say you might be a lesbian. You mention girls in a sexual way but I'd say it's possible that you've never allowed yourself to view them in a romantic way before. It's okay to find that scary at first! EC is always here if you want to talk more (*hug*) ---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 10:06 AM ---------- I just read your thread about coming out to your husband, in which you go into more detail about having no sexual/romantic interest in men and always liking women. In which case, it doesn't sound like your interest in women came out of nowhere- it sounds like it has always been there, and only recently, having begun to accept yourself, are these feelings coming out more (ha ha) and being obvious. I hope this helps!
Hey WriterArtGirl, I'm sorry I never posted on your other thread. I guess I missed seeing it for some reason. You should read some of my posts here. I have been in denial stages for my life - married to a man twice, now facing the truth and separated but working on moving out with our 12 yo daughter. My Intro Blog on Christianity and LGBT Guilt Ridden and Obsessed Coming Out to My Husband Doubting Again Yes, when in denial it is very normal to not see or notice your true feelings/reactions. And especially with a religious background. You can even semi-accept the truth, then go back into full denial. But once you make your mind up to really think about yourself, your feelings, your sexuality, your attractions, a lot will come forward that you hid from yourself. That is when you can work on acceptance and it will be extremely hard to go back into denial. At least that is how it was for me.
This doesn't sound like HOCD. I suffer from HOCD symptoms and it's totally different. In my case I originally felt gay, but I started to have intrusive thoughts about being straight or bi. Even though part of me wants to be straight, my thoughts about being straight are unwanted. They feel foreign to me. Being gay doesn't feel foreign to me, but I still have some internalized homophobia.
Thank you everyone! I am feeling better. I think I read a bunch of sites about this and slowly started wondering if I was just making it all up and oddly enough this thought made me feel worse (like I almost had a small panic attack). Thanks Tre- that really helps! Thanks Ice Cream. I think I started to come out of denial last July when I made a list of my attractions- like I could see the list and that I was a lesbian, but I had trouble accepting it, and slowly, I've been gaining more acceptance of myself. I think I am finally coming to the conclusion that I am gay and I can't change that but I can change how I think about myself. Religion definitely is a powerful thing- as was the fact that I came from a family that I didn't feel loved from (not on purpose, because they were emotional ill), and I think these combos made me susceptible to receiving love in any form and along with the fact that I put my self-worth in others rather than myself. And thanks Bunnydee. It's been hard because it was like all of a sudden, I had these thoughts about girls and have now begun to have fantasies, which as I said only every once in a while when it was extreme (like the pool) would surface. And it feels so natural vs. with guys, I never had thoughts or fantasies about them- they were just missing, and it didn't feel natural- like forced. I will definitely read your threads! I know I have been steadily accepting myself more, and I feel like I reached the point in July where I can't go back into denial, but I guess acceptance doesn't happen in one straight line- it's bound to have its ups and downs. Thanks! ---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 09:37 AM ---------- Bunnydee, I just read all of your forums and they were really helpful. It was really courageous that you came out to your husband and your son, and I loved how accepting your son was. I came out to my husband and a few friends/old coworkers, and there are moments were I kind of wish I could take it back, but I guess there is no taking back saying you are a lesbian! Well, anyway, I just wanted to say how helpful reading your posts have been. It's hard because I've known my husband for 10 years. I don't have kids, but because of a job availability I am thinking about leaving him so I can take the job. A part of me wants to stay with him, but another part of me is practically screaming that I need to move on. I think in the long run, it will be healthier for us both (so he can find someone that can be in love with him, not just love him) and I can come to terms with who I am, accept and love myself, and eventually find someone that I can fall in love with.
