1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Questioning my sexuality while in a relationship

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by WackyPlum, Sep 17, 2020.

  1. WackyPlum

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi. Im 19, a female and have always thought as myself as straight.
    So I’m new to the forum and I just need some advice.
    I’m currently in a straight relationship with my boyfriend and recently I had a moment where I suddenly thought “what if I’m gay/bi” and I freaked out.
    This comes from the fact that I’m aroused by female bodies more than mens more recently (but not in the past). However, I always enjoyed kissing and everything with my boyfriend and before I dated him I had sexual fantasies of him and guys before which I never had that with females. Recently I haven’t felt like it bc I’m christian (so is he) and I don’t want anything to lead to sex because sometimes we just want more and more. Anyways, I never had crushes, thought about sex or even fantasised dating women . I’m scared that all of a sudden I’m gay now and I have to break up but it just doesn’t add up to me that I have a sudden sexual orientation change. Like i look back and I think... hmm it doesn’t add up too much. I know sexuality isn’t 100% gay or straight but I’ve never been interested in dating girls and I’m not about to try either since I’m in a relationship and I wouldn’t want a long term relationship with a girl. I always imaged marrying a guy and dating guys as well.
    Soo I’m scared about telling my boyfriend about these worries. It’s eating me up and I’ve cried every day about it since I questioned it. It’s interrupting my study life and it’s making me depressed. We had plans coming up and I was excited for them and it just sucks. I feel like I’m blaming myself for not feeling a certain way.
    I always am honest with him, so feeling like I’m hiding something really chews me up inside. I don’t want to say I’m questioning because then it will seem unclear. I just want to know if I should say something or just think about it further.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,898
    Likes Received:
    1,294
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi @WackyPlum and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    It’s not uncommon for people to question their sexuality whilst in a relationship or realise that their sexuality was not what they thought it was, which may or may not be true for you. So, don’t feel guilty or beat yourself up. This things happen and we generally don’t intend for them to happen. If you want to talk to your boyfriend, then that’s fine, but if you want to get things clearer in your own mind before telling him, then that’s also fine.

    You’ll find other people here that have questioned their sexuality whilst in a relationship (myself being one of them), so you’ve come to the right place. Only you can work out what’s going on, but EC is a great place to get your feelings out and receive support, so take a look around the forum and you might find other stories that you can relate to.

    Take care.
     
  3. Ram90

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    967
    Likes Received:
    315
    Location:
    India
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Do you know if your boyfriend is pro-LGBTQ+ or supportive towards LGBTQ+ stuff? I realize being Christian and/or religious might automatically mean a person might not be supportive of LGBTQ+, but it is possible they are right? Do you think you could discretely mention some topics around him and see what his reaction towards gay or lesbian people may be?
     
  4. WackyPlum

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah I reckon he would be supportive. He is a christian. I joked about it and he said he’d be crushed but it would mean that I’m closer to accepting who I am.
     
  5. WackyPlum

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the input. I would like to feel more clear about it, but recently texting him makes me feel not like myself and I want to almost postpone hanging out these days... I guess I questioned if I truely loved him from the start and one time I had a convo with another guy and felt so amazing and I felt guilty about it bc it wasn’t with my boyfriend. So my true feelings for him have been questioned for a while and now the attraction towards women makes me question it further.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,898
    Likes Received:
    1,294
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    How long have you been together?

    It might help to separate your thoughts about your sexuality from your feelings about your boyfriend. Take your relationship on it’s own...are you happy? Do you still see yourself in a relationship with him in five years time? Do you have a good connection and are you fulfilled?

    Would your thoughts about your sexuality fell less conflicted if you were single? For me, I questioned my sexuality for months but that was mostly due to fear and guilt about what being gay would mean for my relationship, which got me caught up in a cycle of doubts. Imagine you only ever have relationships with men, how does that prospect feel?

    Be kind to yourself, it’s a tough situation to be in.
     
  7. WackyPlum

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    We’ve been together for almost 2 years. I guess that potentially those things are different. In your relationship, did you ever feel physical attraction to your partner? How long did it take to finally accept your thoughts?
    I probs would feel less bad if I wasn’t in a relationship because I feel like there is that guilt and fear there. I just feel super paranoid now in social settings. I’m just mentally exhausted from everything coz it’s been a tough week. I can only really imagine being with my current partner. We have always talked about long term and all that seriously. I’ve never considered dating girls or imagined it so it’s pretty strange thinking about it. I guess if I had to I would but so far as a choice, I wouldn’t date a girl.
    Thanks for your support.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,898
    Likes Received:
    1,294
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    If he hadn’t asked me out, I wouldn’t have noticed him or thought about him as a potential partner. With time I did appreciate elements of his appearance, but I never wanted him. He was my first, so I enjoyed being intimate at first because it was a novelty, but it soon became apparent that I wasn’t getting much out of it (which I put down to feeling self conscious, etc.).

    From very first thoughts to actually leaving my ex? About four and a half years. From first properly questioning to knowing that I had to leave my ex? About two and a half years. There’s no set or standard timescale though, as everyone get there at their own pace.

    Try not to feel guilty or paranoid. I know that it’s stressful, but you didn’t ask for this to happen and other people can’t read your mind. Try to be easier on yourself.

    Are you happy and fulfilled with your boyfriend? What you have said in some of your previous posts would imply that you’re not. So, maybe think about whether this relationship is really giving you everything that you want. You’re 19, people change a lot during their twenties and you’ll probably meet loads of new people. Whilst I thought about it a lot, I (like you) couldn’t imagine that being with anyone other than my ex could ever be a realistic possibility. That wasn’t because I loved him though, it was because I was so used to being with him. It was my normal.

    Can you explain why you wouldn’t want a relationship with a woman?
     
    #8 LostInDaydreams, Sep 20, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2020
  9. WackyPlum

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I remember feeling attracted to my partner before actually liking him as a person (we were close friends at the time) but he was so persistent for me to date him that I eventually decided that I did like him and dated him. Later on we broke up only after 4 months (I was very insecure from my last relationship from being cheated on) but then I wanted to get back with him and try again and we decided after a while we were both more mature. so our relationship was a bit rocky to start with but it’s been strong since I reckon.
    I guess to answer why I wouldn’t date a women is because I am not sure how to imagine what it would be like. I have felt uncomfortable when women liked me or seemed like they did before I dated anyone. I guess I’m not sure if romantically or emotionally they would be able to make me happy. Maybe as a friend though. I just have no idea. I would only date someone if I wanted a future with them and not just for fun. Romantic/emotional connection is more important than sexual attraction (although still important).
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,898
    Likes Received:
    1,294
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Sometimes it can help to separate your questioning from your relationship. It can be hard to do, but if you try to see them as separate things for a moment and take the impact they might have on each other out of the equation, i.e. fears about things changing, what your sexuality might mean for your current relationship, etc., then it can sometimes be easier to arrive at a clearer picture of how you feel about each thing.