questioning my sexuality.. any advice?

It sounds like you at least like girls. Whether you have met a boy that's right for you is a separate thing. At the end of the day you were right to turn down those guys you weren't interested in. It's important to be honest with yourself, and you don't owe anyone a date. What about this girl though? It sounds like you like her? Have you considered approaching her?

 

In the end you're the only one who can really know, but I feel like I can relate to what you're saying, I had the weirdest push pull thing going on with guys where even if I thought I was interested as soon as they wanted anything I just lost interest and the one time I did kiss one it was a miserable experience. Same with the jealousy over certain people, I had that with my best friend and it finally hit a point where I knew it wasn't normal, and it was driving me absolutely crazy and I couldn't stop thinking about it and wondering if I was gay or bi or just overthinking things. Honestly it might not be something you can know until you try it, but my advice would be to try and not overthink it too much, which is easier said than done. For me I'm definitely gay, but it wasn't easy to come to that conclusion, it took a lot of questioning and doubts but after I actually started dating girls things just started to fall into place in a way they never did before. But I think if you're stressing about it to this point there is a good chance that you are, or that it's at least worth trying to date girls and see what happens Best of luck!

 

Yeah, I agree, wondering if you're straight usually means you're at least bi.

 

I understand. I am not out yet either so contemplating putting myself out there is scary. I wasn't able to do any Pride related things either event though I wished I could. Honestly, I would try to mix with some queer people. Do they have some kind of club or something. You don't have to be sure of your identity to join, even allies are welcome. If you wanted you could just say to your friends if they ask why you want to join that you are an ally, which is true, and then once you're able to spend more time with some queer girls you can see how you feel. Honestly, if you want to try kissing or something some people are up for that as long as you're upfront that you're not looking for anything serious and you're still trying things out. I personally would totally do that for someone if they wanted to experiment or something since I know how hard it can be to step outside of your comfort zone, and I am sure they're other girls who would be maybe willing to do that too. You can just say you're curious or something and that you've never tried it and someone may offer to let you kiss them, no strings attached. Not all lesbians or bi girls are comfortable with that, but I've heard that some queer girls actually find helping "straight" girls or questioning girls who are experimenting to be a turn on and a fun challenge.

 

I unfortunately have not. Only because I have not been able to make it to one. I have ended up having to figure out my sexuality mostly alone, from watching movies with queer characters, youtube coming out stories etc. I would love to get real experience dating and all that stuff but the timing hasn't been right. But I figure if I knew I liked boys when I was younger I should be able to know whether I like girls from my own instincts.

 

Thank you for the kind words! Sometimes I have found the best way to find an answer is to let go of looking for one. The best way to do this is to just let the idea "settle" in your mind and just let it rest there, without questioning it or letting your mind talk you out of it. I've heard a lot of people say they "tried on" their sexuality by living it as their truth for a period of time and seeing how it resonated with them. Eventually the doubts would quiet and it would begin to feel natural. Also it's helpful to not think of attraction or feelings as a singular thing. One doesn't have to be gay or straight, one or the other. There is room in an individual for a variety of feelings, attractions and expressions. You don't have to fit every feeling you've ever had into a box, or meet some arbitrary list of requirements. There are no rules. Just let your feelings exist as they come and embrace them whatever they are.

 

Glad I could help!

 

Hey there, I just wanted to let you know I really see a lot of myself in what you're saying. Especially how I felt about a year ago.

Figuring this out is difficult and confusing. It's so hard because you have to do it on your own. You could talk to someone but I know how hard that is. As long as it's just you thinking about it, it's all in your head. The scary thing is once you tell someone, it becomes real.

I too always had this thing where I would never be into guys the way my friends were. Everytime I did like a guy, the minute he showed some kind of interest I backed away and became really uncomfortable about the idea of dating him. I never really fully conciously noticed that I had crushes on girls back in high school, but looking back there where these intense feelings of wanting to be very close friends with certain girls, wanting them to like me, to impress them, jealousy... and I knew even back then that it meant somethimg but I wrote it off as normal straight girl friendly jealousy.

When I finally did start to think about it like you are doing now, I also had these ups and downs of 'I'm definitely gay' and the next minute 'what? Am I? How could I be' and the big question 'could I really not have known'. Now I know that I did know in a way but at the same time I was so oblivious

Like lost4ever already said, it's really helpfull to watch tv shows, movies, coming out stories on youtube, listen to music that doesn't have a heteronormative narrative. By doing so it clicked for me what I could relate to and what I pictures for myself in a happy future.

Who do you see yourself with in the future? Not what do people expect from you or how did you always kind of think your future would look like, but what really feels right for you. A woman? A man? Maybe either? Nothing is black and white.

Sometimes it's hard to find queer people/groups/bars... Meeting people and experimenting isn't always easy but can be very helpfull although you don't always NEED to test yourself to know what you want.

You could also download a dating app. They seems scary and very unromantic and first but you could just take it easy. You don't have to meet up with anyone, just look what kind of people are on there, who could you possibly like? Maybe talk/flirt a little just online and see how it feels. I unexpectedly met my first girlfriend on the second date I went on and even though it didn't last, it made everything so much clearer.

Ok sorry for this long rant but I just hope some of this might be helpfull good luck to you, you'll figure it out. Take your time and I'm always up for a talk if you need it

 

It's definitely normal to feel this way. I can't say I've ever been in love with a guy but I thought I had some crushes back in high school. Especially on actors or fictional characters. I'd go on about them to my friends cause it felt really great to talk about boys the way my friends did and I kind of believed it myself I guess. But it never felt 100% right and I was aware of that. Hayley is amazing! Her music is awesome and I love how relatable her lyrics are.

It does really sound like you've had some very real feelings for your friend. Of course it might hurt if someone doesn't feel the same way about you but see it this way, you discovered that you are capable of falling in love with a woman so it'll probably happen again and that's a beautiful thing.

Haha yes I get that feeling of going on a date with a nice guy and feeling like 'why am I not excited about this?' Why am I not jealous but happy he met someone else.

It did take me a long time. I've had doubts for years but I never took it serious until a little before my 20th birthday. It's been about 1 year and a few months since that day I admitted to myself 'I'm not straight'. But I kept getting back and forth between bi and gay. I still don't feel that comfortable with labels but I usually go with gay. Maybe you've heard about the kinsey scale? It shows sexuality on a scale from 0 to 6 and you can fall anywhere in between. I'd say I'm a 5

 

Is this girl straight? Cause in that case it might be better to just try to move on. But if there's a chance she's not, you can always send her a message, nothing to lose. I know it's hard. I'm in the same spot with my ex where I constantly want to write her but wonder if it would do any good.

Those tests can help you give an idea but they're not reliable at all. I got something like: 'x: you either filled in wrong answers or are a very unusual person'

You can know before having had any experience. I had very little experience as well when I started to question it. But you can just feel it in a way, I don't know how to describe it. And when I was with a girl for the first time, it was exactly how I imagened it would be all this time.

You said these thoughts don't want to go away. Can I ask you this, do you really want them to go away? Not just because life would be easier, society's expectations, etc... But you personally, how do you feel when you think about being in a happy relationship/having sex with a woman...? Does it feel natural? Do YOU really want it to go away? You might have your answer right there.

 

It's true you may need to move on. You know your situation best. But I will say I WAS "the straightest person ever". I probably would have stayed that way too if I hadn't bothered to explore my sexuality. I am still pretty straight in many ways. I still love guys a lot, and lean that way. I am the same fundamentally in that regard. But my tastes and desires have expanded, and at this point I don't identify as straight anymore. So I guess all I am saying is life can surprise you. Sometimes the people we think we have no chance with actually are more flexible than we think.