Questioning my sexual orientation in my mid 20s?

I relate to a lot of what you said. I thought I was straight for many years, loved boys growing up etc. I actually might have never known I was bi if I hadn't explored my sexuality. But I'm so grateful I did. I unlocked a part of me I never even knew existed and now I actually am only looking for a female partner. I identify as bi and find men attractive but don't want to be with men. So I understand the wanting to know what your orientation really is before getting seriously involved with someone. I'm SO grateful I figured this out as young as I did and that I have never actually been in a relationship before or gotten attached to anyone because now I can go after what I really want. Which is women for the long term. To me it sounds like you're in the process of discovering your attraction to women. I would just go with the flow and do what seems right to you. Have you ever considered dating a woman?

 

You sound a bit like me not too long ago. From what you've written, it seems like you might be into women. Keep in mind that society expects us to be exclusively heterosexual, and that this can make it very challenging to recognize same sex feelings. It's one of the reasons why you hear about people realizing they're gay/bi later in life. But really, you're the only one who can figure out if you're into women, men, or both, and I suspect you will hear that from other people on this site. Personally, I found reading about compulsory heterosexuality to be very helpful for me. I've learned that it's not uncommon for women to be unaware of their feelings for other women before realizing their true sexuality. It's not even uncommon for women to think they're attracted to men before realizing they're just gay. I know it's confusing when you don't know if you really like men, or if you just like getting attention from them.

If I were you, I would just take it one day at a time. Don't worry about marrying the wrong person yet, just focus on what you feel in the moment. It's so true what they say about this being a process. It takes time to see yourself as anything other than straight when it has been so deeply ingrained in you by society. But you're willing to question yourself, so that is definitely a step in the right direction! If you are able to experiment with women, I think you should consider it. Have you told your boyfriend about what's going on with you?

 

I know it's hard to take it one day at a time. I feel like I've been spiraling since I realized how gay I am. But I haven't been able to make any real progress in seeing myself clearly until I was able to just let myself be in the moment. I know that's probably not what you want to hear when you're obsessing over your sexuality.

Anyway, I think it's especially difficult when you're having this kind of revelation in a relationship. I mean, you're right, if you experimented with a woman without your boyfriend knowing, it would be cheating. I think it's the right move to talk to a counselor about this. They will be able to help you make sense of what you're feeling, and how to move forward with it with the situation you're in.

Honestly, the fact that you're even willing to question yourself and be honest about who you really are is not an easy thing to do, so give yourself credit for that. It's a tough situation you're in, but you are absolutely on the right track. It just takes time unfortunately.

 

Hey welcome to EC. Take a deep breath, you will figure this out and come through the other side whatever that might be. Calling a therapist sounds like a great start, they can help you organise your thoughts and make sure you get to the bottom of what's going on.
It's not totally uncommon for people to question their sexuality in their mid or late 20's, I didn't figure out I was gay until then although my interest in guys before that was a little less. I have seen many people on here though that were totally into guys until their revolution so it's possible. As someone said above society leads us all to be heterosexual so it isn't easy to miss other clues or just be blinded by what society deems as right and normal.

If you imagine being with a woman, how does that make you feel? That can be in a sexual way but also just in an everyday way. Both are important, if you imagine being in a relationship with a female how does that make you feel?

 

No one here can tell you what your sexuality is unfortunately. That is for you to explore and figure out, and experience helps (doesn't have to be sex). We can only give you food for thought or our experiences.

It sounds like to me anxiety is a bigger issue. You have some simple thoughts, a straight person could have, then you spiral and crash. I don't hear anything that gay from you other than you feel, "extremely androgynous women are attractive." But acknowledging someone is pretty or hot is different than being drawn to them because you want to be with them, touch them, kiss them, etc.

That isn't to say you aren't gay, just that I don't think you have enough information (least that I've read here) and you probably won't if you spiral every time a thought comes up. You have to go with the thoughts and experience them without trying to shut it down, judging it, or fearing it. Many of us had no clue nor felt much attraction until later in life so it's entirely possible you are a late bloomer. It happens. I think therapy with an LGBT+ therapist would be helpful especially if they can give you coping skills for anxiety.

 

I get where you're coming from. I have had extremely strong feelings for men in my life, so I can imagine loving this guy the way you do must be very confusing for you. I think to love him as much as you do to me indicates that you're definitely not a lesbian. However, you might bisexual. I agree that unless you talk to him it would be cheating to experiment with women. However you can do other things in your head to try things out since you're feeling confused. Have you tried watching a lesbian movie or reading a lesbian romance novel? Or even just imagined what it would be like to be with a woman? To me, it sounds like part of your uncertainty is that you have not been able to be exposed to a lot of gay or bi women so you don't know what that's like or whether you would enjoy it.

 

I also have anxiety so I know that that can just make things harder to figure out.

 

It takes time to imagine yourself with a woman in a society where you don't see that as much. Especially if you are just now questioning your sexuality. I am comfortable now but I wasn't from the beginning. I feel in some ways I had to learn and teach myself what it is to be attracted to a woman because that is something we aren't shown much. I watched a little of The L Word but ultimately decide it wasn't really for me lol. I mostly watched what I did for Shane, but I just couldn't hang with the plot and the other characters lol. If you are looking for good movies ones that were very helpful to me and are both also on Netflix were Blue is the Warmest Color and Below Her Mouth. Blue is entirely in French but with subtitles you shouldn't have a problem. Below Her Mouth is in english though.

 

No problem! It took a while. I didn't SERIOUSLY consider my sexuality I feel until just this year though I had periods before where I questioned. I also came out just a few weeks ago so that has also changed things. It was not an overnight thing. I am 21.

 

Well, I was unsure. And I was really obsessed with men. I think spending some time with guys my own age clarified for me that maybe I wasn't straight. I was attracted to men but when I was hanging out with guys I didn't feel very satisfied. I liked being with women more. It was after really crushing on some women, having exposure of women being together that I began to realize that it was very appealing to me. Now it is something I think about all the time. I always like to help people on here because I was the straightest seeming girl. I NEVER would have guessed that I was not only bi, but also that I now want a female partner for the long term. I have never actually dated or been with either sex. Learning I liked women was the same as when I learned I liked men when I was younger. It is just based on my observations of how I feel.

 

See the weird thing is, for various reasons I never really spent any time with men. All my friends were girls, and so I crushed on guys without actually ever having gone out with them. So when I started to hang out with them, casually, I realized that other than some fun with flirting and the positive attention I received, I was bored. I went out with a guy on friend "dates", that weren't really dates but it was my first taste of how "going out" with a guy felt. And I was so bored on one of those occasions I actually made up an excuse to leave early because I was not happy. When I think about going out with a girl I don't feel this way.

 

I was going to step right in and opine, but with @Love4Ever, @silverhalo, and @Cinnamon Bunny giving you advice, I'm just a fish's bicycle here. (CinnaBun I owe you a PM, soon!)

But I couldn't help laugh (cry?) ironically at this:

Sigh. You hit the nail right on the head. And it's not even just about you, as you considerately point out. You are pretty self-aware. I suppose that just makes it easier to spiral into obsessing. You know, dull people don't have that problem. Lucky us.

 

Hey there. It's totally fine to not know all this right away. You don't have to know. We live in a world that expects us to know who we will like for the rest of our lives in our teens?! As if that is even possible?! To me that is crazy, because life doesn't work like that. I think it's great you are so confident about exploring this. That takes gumption and you should be proud. Talking to someone is great. How did you brother take it? I honestly am a big advocate of sharing. I mean, your boyfriend may need time to adjust to this, but I think it's important to let him know what's going on. Your feelings are important, and if you're close to him he should be able to accept it eventually. You say you are happy with him. How interested are you/how far are you interested in going with a woman in your exploration? Are you looking to date? Are you looking for sexual experimentation? I think it would be helpful to think about exactly what you want to do and are looking for before talking to him.