Hello, I've probably written too much on this thread already... but I feel the need to share my doubts and see what other people think. For background information, I'm 21 and a female. I used to be pretty sure that I have experienced sexual attraction, but now I'm not sure anymore. I have had crushes on both men and women and experienced butterflies in my stomach and things like that; when I had a crush on a person I fantasized about being in a relationship with them, kissing or sex. But wanting to do these things wasn't like a sudden urge. I think it was more like a general desire. When I notice an attractive person on the street or anywhere else, I just think "Wow, this person is so pretty/handsome!", I don't have sexual thoughts about them. It has happened a few times that I got aroused by looking at someone (at least that's what I think happened), but it was rare. Generally, I've always been interested in sex. I used to watch porn in my early teens and derived pleasure from it. I feel turned on when I see a sex scene in a film or read a sex scene in a book. When it comes to masturbation, I tried it, but I don't really enjoy it, I guess it feels okay, but nothing more. Do you think I might actually be asexual?
Straight answer, no! What you describe does not amount to asexuality. There isn't a complete absense of attraction towards other people and you are not experiencing a total loss of sexual feeling. These are the hallmarks of asexuality. It sounds like you have experienced a loss of interest over time and it might be a good idea to look back and try to identify what has happened or what might have happened to cause that loss of interest. Labelling yourself as asexual is not the answer.
What @PatrickUK said is sound; you have and still do experience attraction to people. The fact that you don't experience arousal for every stranger you find attractive is fairly normal. As far as I've experienced attraction (which has been a lot), it seldom starts with immediate sexual attraction. First comes the physical attraction--the intrigue in a person you've seen, noticing physical characteristics that appeal to you, personally. Without knowing the person, it's hard to be sure whether you'll like them beyond surface level, but surface level is how we first decide on whether we should or shouldn't explore things a step further with that person (i.e. strike up a conversation, befriend them, etc). Some people (or in some cases, even people who seldom experience it this way) can be sexually attracted right from the get-go. But you'll find many others need to build some sort of rapport with the person first before any sexual arousal/chemistry can be established. I also agree with Patrick that perhaps it's something to do with this particular period in your life, or something that's occurred. Give yourself time to sort out what might have changed, why, and what you can do about it from here. Be patient with yourself, though; working on and understanding ourselves takes time.
Thank you for your reply. I thought that I might be asexual because I wasn't sure if what I experienced "counts" as sexual attraction. I thought that perhaps sexual attraction is only when you feel a sudden urge to have sex with someone or get aroused by them. Maybe you're right that I experienced a loss of interest over time. I guess it could be due to mental health issues. Or maybe I just have low sex drive...
Thank you for your reply. I'm relieved to see that the way I experience attraction is normal. Thanks for the advice
If your mental health has not been good this could certainly be a factor and you should try to look at it more closely. Many people mistake a lack of interest or low libido as evidence of asexuality, but there is a big and important difference between lack of interest or drive and a complete and enduring absence (which is what asexuality really amounts to). Asexuality should never be a consideration unless or until we have ruled out all other possibilities, of which impaired mental health is significant. People who are really asexual have taken time to do all of this. Based on what you wrote in your first message, I don't think you are asexual. I'm pretty certain of it actually.
Hmm. I think the best metaphor for asexuality is the one used Sex Education. I think if your experience with sex is one of indifference rather than desire or inclination, I think you might be asexual or at the very least in the spectrum. Of course, the only one best suited to describe your sexual experience is yourself. Labels are good for many people, but some people don't use them at all. That's why umbrella terms like "queer" and "gay" are useful for lots of people.
I think that sometimes I'm indifferent towards sex (or even a bit disgusted) and sometimes I feel the desire to do it. I guess I could label myself as grey-asexual, but I don't know if this label is valid.
