New member here and I see what I am getting ready to ask has been asked 2 million times before me. However in my heart and head I feel like I just need a group of people to tell me what I am and if I’ve just been kidding myself, because I feel like I live one ginormous lie from my feelings and not sharing and possibly even the unknown. Not sure even where to begin… When I was growing up, I always felt different. Wasn’t into most boy things and definitely enjoyed playing with Barbies and other dolls more. My family is very homophobic so I always did this secretly with neighborhood girls. I remember lots of times having sleep overs with friends and trying on their sisters underwear secretly as well. I would say the dynamic of my guy friendships growing up were closeness. From that I always had strong feelings for them. To me at the time it was just normal and how I cared for friends. Continuing through HS and college I dated girls but always had an attraction to guys. I definitely played hot or not in my head and obviously check out guys whenever we were all naked and changing clothes or whatever. Sexually during this time I focused on my girlfriends when intimate. I had the random dream/fantasy about being with a man and from time to time I would masturbate to men on men porn. Fast forward time, I got married, had kids and am now a divorced 40 something year old. About 5 years ago I had all of these thoughts rushing at me that I am gay out of the blue. I didn’t consider myself anything up to this point because of my upbringing. I started masturbating to men on men porn more. Even when I wasn’t watching porn, I would think about men as I would masturbate. I finally built up the courage to experiment with a guy and met up with them 3 times and enjoyed being submissive for him. I felt like I couldn’t continue on because of my up bringing and ended things. Ever since then all of my fantasies and dreams are about men and I exclusively masturbate to men on men porn and thoughts of men romantically in my head. I have tried dating women since then and honestly every time we are intimate, I think about being with a man. Looking back anytime I got a massage with anyone I was dating or when I was married I was always quick to say “I’ll take the guy masseuse”. Also being with the guy I experimented with was probably the most sensual intimate experience of my life. I guess my question is, have I been living a lie and kidding myself or because I have been able to be with women am I Bi? I feel like I have so much tucked away because of family. But it did feel amazing typing all of this, verbalizing it and sharing it.