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Questioning Help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by dejuntman, Aug 18, 2021.

  1. dejuntman

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    New member here and I see what I am getting ready to ask has been asked 2 million times before me. However in my heart and head I feel like I just need a group of people to tell me what I am and if I’ve just been kidding myself, because I feel like I live one ginormous lie from my feelings and not sharing and possibly even the unknown.

    Not sure even where to begin…
    When I was growing up, I always felt different. Wasn’t into most boy things and definitely enjoyed playing with Barbies and other dolls more. My family is very homophobic so I always did this secretly with neighborhood girls. I remember lots of times having sleep overs with friends and trying on their sisters underwear secretly as well.
    I would say the dynamic of my guy friendships growing up were closeness. From that I always had strong feelings for them. To me at the time it was just normal and how I cared for friends.
    Continuing through HS and college I dated girls but always had an attraction to guys. I definitely played hot or not in my head and obviously check out guys whenever we were all naked and changing clothes or whatever. Sexually during this time I focused on my girlfriends when intimate. I had the random dream/fantasy about being with a man and from time to time I would masturbate to men on men porn.

    Fast forward time, I got married, had kids and am now a divorced 40 something year old. About 5 years ago I had all of these thoughts rushing at me that I am gay out of the blue. I didn’t consider myself anything up to this point because of my upbringing. I started masturbating to men on men porn more. Even when I wasn’t watching porn, I would think about men as I would masturbate. I finally built up the courage to experiment with a guy and met up with them 3 times and enjoyed being submissive for him. I felt like I couldn’t continue on because of my up bringing and ended things. Ever since then all of my fantasies and dreams are about men and I exclusively masturbate to men on men porn and thoughts of men romantically in my head. I have tried dating women since then and honestly every time we are intimate, I think about being with a man.

    Looking back anytime I got a massage with anyone I was dating or when I was married I was always quick to say “I’ll take the guy masseuse”. Also being with the guy I experimented with was probably the most sensual intimate experience of my life.

    I guess my question is, have I been living a lie and kidding myself or because I have been able to be with women am I Bi? I feel like I have so much tucked away because of family. But it did feel amazing typing all of this, verbalizing it and sharing it.
     
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  2. Rayland

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    Welcome to this forum. I am new here too. I think it’s very okay to ask same questions, that everyone else are asking. Every one of us have their own experiences, so it’s good to share your own. I don’t feel competent enough in this subject to give you an answer. Just wanted to let you know that. I do understand you though. I just became aware that my biological gender isn’t really my gender recently.
    Just for knowledge:
    masseuse - female
    masseur - male
    I know that, because I study to become a masseur. They do differentiate. I don’t really like it though. I don’t know why they just don’t call them, with one word masseur. Small fact. You can ignore it.
    If that attraction to men is stronger, than attraction to girls, then you might be gay. That is just my opinion though. Others might have different views. It all comes down to how you feel about it though.
     
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  3. dejuntman

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    Hello, thank you for the clarification about massaging. Knowledge is wonderful!

    I am questioning if my feelings were ever valid for women. I know 100% they were/are for men. Also women never consume my thoughts, only men do and it’s been that way for 5 years or so.

    thank you for your response and insight!
     
  4. Rayland

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    Your welcome. If it’s like that, then I think it’s a safe bet to say you are gay.
     
  5. Engdood1

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    I am in a very similar boat to you and am not certain how to answer your question. Do you think you could have a sexual experience with a woman and perform without thinking of men? Do you ever still masturbate thinking of women, or could you? These are questions I’m asking myself at the moment and the answer might be no to both questions but I’m not positive.
     
  6. out2019

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    A lot of gay guys who came out later in life were able to have sex with women. It feels good, you can, as you say, think about other things (like guys :slight_smile: ) while doing it.

    Only you can decide, but in my opinion, nothing here remotely points to you being straight.

    If you were repressing the idea you were gay and trying to arouse yourself with women, you might think you were bi, but once you had an experience with a guy, your desire for women went away- I have seen this dozens of times on EC and experienced it myself when I accepted I was gay.

    COULD I 'arouse' myself with a woman? Yes, very few people are 100% gay - I would say I am about 80% but for me what clarifies it is several things:
    • i naturally fantasize about guys. It just comes naturally. With women I have to consciously try to construct something and its never as arousing.
    • The intensity of arousal is literally 100X more intense than thinking about women.
     
  7. PatrickUK

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    I'm always reluctant to place labels on other people, but looking at the totality of what you wrote, I would suggest very strongly that you are gay.

    Is that really correct though? If you look back to your childhood, adolescence and early adulthood at college, the signs were there. Everything you wrote equally applied to me - an openly gay man, out to everyone for 25 years.

    When we grow up in a home or community that shuns homosexuality we feel the intense weight of non-conformity and shame. The idea that we may be rejected by our family, friends and colleagues pushes us deep into the closet, to the extent that we create a false identity as a 'respectable' straight man/woman. As we live to false identity we can almost believe it to be true and real ourselves, but those questions and doubts never fully go away and often return with a vengeance years later. Many of our 'later in life' members will testify to this point and it sounds like you are discovering it for yourself now.

    Embracing the idea that you are gay may seem difficult. You may bargain that you are bisexual because you have previously dated women and had children, but if you reflect on what you wrote and where you are now the predominant feelings are for the same sex, rather than the opposite sex. Maybe that's always been the case?

    I don't think you should feed the inner critic and consider your past a lie. It's very easy to load more negativity onto our shoulders and think of everything as a sham, when all you really wanted was to fit in. Do we blame ourselves for that, or do we blame the society that placed layers and layers of shame onto us?

    What we see happening now is the liberalisation of attitudes in many parts of the world. Western democracies are recognising the need to give people freedom and equality; to live their best lives for the greater good. Marriage is no longer the preserve of straight couples and gay men and lesbian women are finding ways to have a family of their own (and doing a pretty good job of it too). All of these changes are giving people the confidence to face issues about their sexuality that have been suppressed and hidden for years and we now see increasing numbers of men and women in their 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's embracing the truth about their sexuality in order to live out the remainder of their life with honesty, integrity and authenticity. It's a good thing!
     
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  8. eron

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    As someone coming out later in life, I had sex with lots of women in the past - some great; some not so great. However, since my teen years, and throughout my earlier adulthood, there were subtle signs of same sex attraction, which transitioned to more active thoughts and then taking action. Although I continue to "bargain that I'm bisexual" because of my past, I no longer desire sex with women, I fantasize exclusively about men, desire only m2m sex, and I rarely, if ever, look at naked or sexual images of women. For me, the biggest step was self-acceptance. It was liberating and felt authentic.
     
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  9. eron

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    Funny thing - after reading the posts here and elsewhere, and what I just wrote, I decided to change my EC profile, Sexual Orientation, from bisexual to gay. :slight_smile: Kind of feels right.
     
  10. dejuntman

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    After thinking and reading everyone’s comments, I think it’s safe to say I am 100% gay and have been kidding myself all of these years. I think I was looking for someone to just say “hey man, you are totally gay, embrace it”.
    So the good news is I 100% acknowledge that I’m gay. The bad news is my extremely homophobic family who I will still have to keep my secret from. At least for now…
     
  11. Contented

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    I know that wonderful feeling when you can finally declare that your gay. I too felt at the beginning that I should identify as bi because for years I was in a heterosexual relationship faking it. The truth however was in a very short period of time bi for me felt like a continuation of a lie. I was involved in a sexual and emotional relationship with another man exclusively and it felt so right. For me the only true choice was to finally and irrevocably declare I was 100% gay now. Women didn’t ever become an afterthought. I stopped noticing anything about them and my interests moved to guys. It feels so good even now almost 3 1/2 years later!
     
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  12. eron

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    I think many of us share similar experiences, and it's nice to have this outlet to express ourselves openly.
     
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  13. quebec

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    dejunctman.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: There is a sub-forum here titled “LGBTQ Later In Life” if you post there I think you’ll find people who will understand what you are dealing with. My story is quite a lot like yours. I grew up in a conservative environment. I knew I was different but I followed what society demanded instead. There's quite a lot more to the story than that, but that will do for now. I married and had children and now grandkids. In 2014 I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay and I came out here on Empty Closets. A year later I started seeing a therapist and six months after that I came out to my wonderful wife. She has accepted me and we're staying together (again-a long story). So am I bisexual because I did have sex with my wife and do have children? I can only say that in my case the answer is no. I managed sex with a woman because at the time I thought I had no other choice and I also did want ever so much want to have children. But during that sex I was always seeing a man in my mind. I do love my wife, but not in the same way that I could love a man. I could love a man emotional and physically and I could never love a woman that way. So in my mind I am gay. You'll have to answer your question yourself...we can't answer it for you. But in reality...can you love a woman emotionally and physically at the same time? People who are growing up now and in the last decade or so have been raised in a different environment than we were. They have had far less pressure put on them to marry the opposite sex and have kids. I am very happy for them as they have much more freedom to choose the path that their life will take. The kind of choices that we have had to make are something that many of them will never be faced with...my children will not have to face those choices. In fact one of my sons has come out to me as pansexual and I am so happy that he will be free to make his own decisions without so much pressure from society. However, we still must make some tough choices...and in this case you must make the tough choice. I hope that you will be able to make the choice that will make the rest of your life better than what you have experienced so far! I so hope that Empty Closets will be a help to you...we are a community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. You can ask questions in any of the Sub-forums by creating a new thread or by joining in a conversation-thread that is already going. You can also post a message on anyone's Profile Page after you have made at least ten posts yourself. If you have a question that is somewhat private you can always send a Private Message to any Staff Member. Normally Private Messages can only be exchanged between two Full Members, but a PM to a Staff Member is an exception. :old_wink: We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets! :old_big_grin:

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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