Questioning gender

Welcome to EC!

It sounds like you're feeling quite anxious, which is fair enough.

Do you feel yourself drawn towards a particular gender or is it more that you don't like the one others box you into?

Why is it that you find dresses embarassing? Sometimes the reason we don't like something is because we don't like what it makes others think about us or what it says about us.

 

I didn’t have that flood of memories right after, but I’ve had more of a trickle of memories at various parts of my journey

I don’t recall I ever had any experience like this. But I do recall wanting to in a writing class write: “how do I explain those things in my head that can’t be explained?”

I was never a huge fan of pants/slacks/trousers, even to the point of wanting to get kilts, for both daily use and formal events. As for weddings, the one wedding I would have even gone(my little brother, he got married the year I came out(i came out in February, he married in December)), I would have been asked to be in pants(what I saw as “boy moding” it). Though I learned this from our mother, because my little brother is horrible at communicating things with me.

I wasn’t really one for “boys” toys, I absolutely loved stuffies(still do), and it was to the point where some of my family got the impression that I was gay. I later came out as Bi, and then later as Pan. After coming out as a girl, I finally realized that I am in fact a lesbian.

Not much in making characters, but I would make a lot of female Sims, and would also find myself more pulled to/identifying better with the female characters in movies and TV shows. In fact, a once I started watching Lost Girl, I found myself identifying with both Bo and Kenzie over Dyson or Hale. I also didn’t give it much thought at the time

I liked women’s tops even before I began my transition, I just liked how the fit better than the bagginess of men’s tops. So I guess again we’re opposite there.

Once middle school it, I almost never smiled in school photos. As for other photos, I didn’t like getting my picture taken, and again, I rarely ever smiled in them. One photo where I remember smiling(due to threat of pain) was in the last photo that all my family was in(taken summer 2011, twin sister passed away that November). But for the most part, I never smiled in photos until February 2018, even in photos with my fiancé from October 2015-June 2017.

I never liked my own member, to the point where I would never urinate standing up, I still don’t. But I do find myself not liking my penis or testes. I too don’t want kids, or at least wouldn’t want a child I’ve not carried. I didn’t know dysphoria until recently, I never really thought it was something that I had until I got the diagnosis of it when I got onto hormones.

I came out as Bi at 21, initially to my sister. She then outed me to our mother, in a roundabout way. “I’ll tell mom your secret.” in which our mom looked at me in a “what does she mean” way. So I told her. Later on, I came out as Pan. When I finally had my sexual(gender) realization(just after my 26th birthday), I couldn’t initially say the words “I’m trans”, so I just apologized and told her what my chosen name was(yes, I found my name the night I found myself). She’s the one who asked “so I assume you’re Transgender?” All I said was yes, and apologized again.

 

Feral weirdos with anxiety unite! Also hi!

 

I grew up quite 'normally', I wore dresses that were mostly passed down from my sister but I always had a princess dress once and pink and girly clothing I would wear and I liked to play with dolls. I was really shy (ha still really shy) so I didn't exactly make friends that were girls or boys, whoever just became my friend and it was a really small school so everyone was friends with eachother in our class.

Then about the age of eightIeight/nine I specifically hanging out with these two guys in my class and we would play football nearly every breaktime outside, that's when I started becoming more boyish. I wanted to appear less girly so the boys would play and talk with me and I started to disown typical 'girly' stuff like the colour pink, flower patterns on whatever, dresses etc. I didn't try to look like a boy though I just didn't want to be seen as girly or 'sensitive.'
Most of my best friends were girls though throughout school, but about age eleven and twelve one of my friends told me 'I look like a tomboy' , not in a mean way she just said it and I loved that she said that it was like the best compliment to me ever.
Anyway comes puberty and luckily my voice is actually a low enough tone for a a girl, I think could nearly pass for a male voice sometimes. But yeah totally made sure I was nothing like a girl, it was nearly like an obsession, if girls wear makeup I won't, if girls wear high heels, dresses, have fake tan, I will not. I also made sure I wasn't 'sensitive' like say stuff like 'love you' to my friends or do kisses on texts because I thought it was weird. I always would want to hang out with the lads in my class and luckily when I started secondary school this two lads I have become friends/ish with. I wouldn't hang out with them out of school but in class I'd sit beside them and I would love doing froup projects or P.E with them. One of them was always slagged though by my friends because he had an apparent crush on me. I would just ignore it though and he is still my closest friend out of that group. One thing is though that I act like a girl would sometimes with him which is annoying but I don't mind too much.
Anyway as of age fourteen I started questioning my sexuality and I soon realized I like girls as well, after a year still deliberating whether I was bisexual or not I settled and I am bisexual now.
But a few months ago I also questioned my gender identity which was surprisingly because I never thought I could be anything else in a way, I never really thought about it. But I always wanted to be a boy more than a girl, act more like one, I would side with boys nearly and say 'boys are better than girls' that stupid argument we would have in school. I always wanted to be included and have guy friends but I don't really have many because I am a shy girl which would not probably be of much interest to these guys. Anyway I didn't like any of my body puberty and mostly just ignore it and acted like it didn't exist. I would nearly scream in my brain if I thought more about it because I just didn't want to be like that.
I have recently been thinking I am non-binary because I feel like a boy and masculine but not quite and sometimes I also feel neutral or like I don't care about what gender I am. So I might be a mix between demiguy, gender neutral and agender but I'm not sure but I feel a lot more comfortable now about seeing myself as non-binary. I came out to my best friend and I knew she would be cool with it so it was great that I wasn't hiding from myself because weirdly enough I never really minded if I was lgbtq+ which I think is because bit is getting more accepted nowadays. Anyway god this was long!
Sorry I just wanted to write this because I related to what you said and I haven't really talked about it much anywhere bor bor with my friend completely. Anyway thanks!!!