Questioning gender

To start off, I'll say that I've known my sexuality for a long time now. I know fully well that I'm attracted to feminine people to the extent that I know I'd only be comfortable in a relationship with a feminine-presenting person with a vagina. I've been calling myself a lesbian for the longest time and it's always been what I say to people when they ask about my girlfriend.

However, lately, I've been feeling like the term 'lesbian' isn't right. I get these fluctuations of what I can only describe as super strong dysphoric feelings for the past year or so. I'd always felt I was more masculine than feminine, ever since I was a kid, but it wasn't until I'd met a transman myself that I realised that there was a possibility that I wasn't a girl.

These fluctuations happen pretty regularly and they've only been getting stronger. They were mild, years ago. Using my relationship with my girlfriend as a timeline, almost five years ago when we first met, I was questioning my gender to the point that I was presenting as 'agender'. She was more than okay with this. Both of us at that time had thought we were asexual, as well.

As time passed and we got to know each other better and got into a sexual relationship, we realised that we were just attracted to each other - myself, I figured out my feminine preferences for a relationship, and she realised that she's just happy with me (she says she's probably pansexual with demi leanings, but she's never bothered to put an exact label on herself. she's happy how she is). I've told her about my questioning and she's told me time and time again that she's happy with me no matter if I present as male or female.

Now, as we've been in a sexual relationship for the past couple years and been experimenting with things, I realised I had a major leaning toward taking a, for lack of a better explanation, masculine role in bed. I cannot stand penetration on myself. It disgusts me. However, I've found that wearing a strap-on has this sort of... Right feeling for me. Whenever I put it on, I get a feeling of almost... Relief? To have it on.

And I prefer to wear a shirt in bed. Either that or a very tight bra. I do have a binder for cosplay purposes, but I don't wear it in my day-to-day life. I've thought about it. I feel far more confident with the binder on than without it, and I feel comfortable wearing it. I've noticed that when I wear the binder for my cosplays and do myself up to look masculine (to the point that I had people convinced I was a cis male until I spoke, oh my poor, high voice) I hold myself higher and feel better about myself.

I get jealous when I see cis men walk around without shirts on. I get jealous of their beards and stubble and body hair and I always want to have that on myself. I get upset when I go to shower and see how wide my hips are, or I see my breasts and they're just... There. I used to be pretty good with my chest, I used to love it! Now it's just... There.

But at the same time, I'm scared of the idea of transitoning. I think about the process and the idea of surgery or if there's needles involved and I panic, but I've known that if I tried to present as male without doing those things, I'd feel uncomfortable with myself. I've thought about changing my name, and while it does seem like an exciting step, I wouldn't be able to do so at work or with my family. My mother works in the same store that I do.

I feel pressured to present as female - I'm the only living daughter my parents have. They're fine with me being with my girlfriend, they love her. But a long time ago my parents lost my older sister, so now I'm the only girl in the family, and it feels like if I were to tell them they have another son, they'd hate me for it.

So I'm just... Stuck. I don't know if I qualify as being transmale or not, and I don't know if I should ever go through it with.