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questioning even more after coming out (trans)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Aleksey, Oct 12, 2021.

  1. Aleksey

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    Found this site while looking for some answers to this very question, figured I'd give a shot writing something myself..

    For some context, I'm a 21yr old transmasc individual. I've always known this since I was around the age 13 and figured out what exactly being trans was. Around age 16, I came out to everyone around me, and sought out therapy to transition properly.
    My Mom, at the time, was a bit less than supportive. My partner, whom I'm still with, was much the same (despite being nonbinary themselves. This is understandable, as my own gender exploration can cause them dysphoria.. it's not something I blame them for in the slightest.)

    So, seeking that transition at age 16 didn't go anywhere. As I got older, I went back deeper into the closet, and everyone just seemed to forget about it. I could go maybe two months at a time being "okay" with being referred to as she/her, being seen as a woman, etc. Clearly, this wasn't sustainable.

    With COVID, I've had time to reflect again, and decided this wasn't how I wanted to live. Tonight I finally got the courage to have a conversation with my partner, in which we agreed we would try things out, and if my own transition was too much for them, we'd go from there. Ecstatic, I decided that tonight was the night. I was going to tell my Mom, and finally seek T as soon as possible.

    (For some further context, my Mom has since become a psych np, and has become extremely accepting with my trans sister for example. I felt confident things would go well.)

    And they did! Everything went even better than I could have expected. She immediately accepted me, we talked about transition, making doctors appointments, etc. Testosterone and transition is in reach! The moment I've been waiting for!

    So why is it, as soon as I got home to my apartment, that mood just crashed. I am now questioning everything, and dare I even say I'm scared. Is this what I really want? Is this really who I am? Is this all just a big mistake, should I back up? Have I been faking everything all along? Am I happier now than I would be on T?

    These are the thoughts that keep going through my head, and it's terrifying, especially with doctors appointments coming up as soon as before December. Has anyone else felt this way? Does it go away, is there really any way to know if I'm making the right decision? In going forward, I risk both my relationship with my partner and with myself if this isn't the path I should be on.

    Any advice or personal stories is greatly appreciated, and thank you for reading this far if you have!
     
  2. Rayland

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    Hello and welcome to EC!

    Figuring yourself out can definetly be very confusing. Even though I now know who I truly am, then there are still things that confuse me and cause unhappiness (like dysphoria and dysmorphia) and new things that I still keep discovering, despite being 30 years old.

    Society is not very accepting towards transgender people either and I guess, at least for me the reason why I still keep thinking is it really all right and would I be able to cope with how society and my family sees it and so on.

    It truly is terrifying, but I still feel that I want to transition, even if I loose everything, for the sake of at least being able to be true to myself and show who I really am a bit and that thought makes me really happy and exited, but also sad at the same time.

    It don't seem like you are faking it to me, since you seem to have known about it for a long time and you even came out with it to others too.

    Are you still in therapy? I am asking, because talking to a proffessional about your feelings could help you now too.
     
  3. BonaDrag

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    Welcome! It seems you've had quite the journey so far! For me personally, things seemed to happen quite quickly after I finally managed to come out to myself and others, in hindsight. Which I am glad they did. The good thing about starting medical transition, at least from my experience, is that you don't just stroll up to a doctor and get T! Even if it is informed consent like it was for me, it took a few appointments and conversations with a few different people before I was able to get prescribed. And while some changes are permanent, many folks might choose to go off T for numerous reasons, even after starting. The point is, you will never being going through the process alone and you can always change your mind, even if you've already come out. The fun thing about life is that you are always figuring yourself out!

    I must say I am super happy for you, because your mum seems really great and while your relationship with your partner might have its downs, it must be nice to have someone by your side. It is okay to question, to not feel right. It could be because you are still figuring things out, it could also be, as Ray mentioned, that your mind recognizes what life is like for trans people in society and is like- well shit! I'm still dealing with this on a daily basis, even being a few years on T myself. It isn't easy. Every day is a struggle. It is okay to be scared and I think it makes a lot of sense to be. Be kind to yourself and always feel free to post more / chat if you want- good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  4. Rayland

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    Yes, that's true, that you can always stop and go off T, if it don't feel right and then you know for sure. It can end up you not feeling like it's right or you might feel, that this is truly you, before making any permanent moves.

    Also you mentioned you discussed doctors appoitments with your mom and maybe she can come with you to the doctors, if you are too scared to go by yourself, because the appoitments can normally be scary, because you don't know what they might say to you.

    I need to go to family doctors appoitment, if I want to start my transition and there is no way around it.
     
    #4 Rayland, Oct 13, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2021