I am a 23 year old woman engaged to a man, who was my first and only dating/sexual experience. I love him, I want to marry him, nothing I'm writing about here is questioning that. I just want to understand myself better. Some background: I have always been obviously attracted to boys, and later men. Even as a young child, I always had a crush on at least one boy. I knew I liked boys, that was easy and obvious. When I was old enough to understand more, I wasn't too sold on the idea of sex. The idea of male genitalia grossed me out. So much so that if I knew what ace was at the time, I would have suspected I was ace. Since I've been with my fiance however, I have discovered that I actually have a ridiculously high sex drive and am definitely very sexually attracted to men. So that was for me just a juvenile concern that I didn't actually need to worry about. My real issue, what's prompted tons of fruitless internet searches and has finally led me to posting here, is that I think I'm bi. I'm really conflicted about it though. The only person I really have to discuss this with is my fiance, and he tries, but he just really doesn't understand. He hinges everything on whether I can picture myself in sexual situations with women, but given how clueless I was about how I felt about sex with men before him, and my complete lack of experience of any kind with women, I have no idea how I would really feel or react in such a situation. I think the idea of sex with women sounds attractive, coming across provocative images of women definitely gets my mind on sex, but I'm just not sure whether I only like the idea or would actually go through with it? I've thought for a long time I was always just turned on by the mere suggestion of sex - not necessarily things I'm interested in even, just something remotely sexual gets my mind on sex and that's enough. So I don't know if that's the reason? That I know in my head that men find women like that sexy, that many men are turned on by two women in sexual situations, so just thinking about that might be why I react the way I do? I'm just not sure that I could know for sure if this is real without going on a date with or kissing a woman, but I'm in a happy committed relationship with a man I intend to spend the rest of my life with. I tried to just decide to start thinking of myself as bi, and it doesn't 100% feel right. I feel like I'm trespassing, like I'm trying to take a label and community that doesn't belong to me. I question if I just like the idea of not being straight, so I try to convince myself I'm not. I don't know, I never really used to notice crushes on girls. I've noticed a couple recently. A really cute girl cut my hair today. Though I did have odd inclinations with other women - not things I specifically identified to myself as attraction, just a random urge to kiss someone in close proximity to me (this one was odd and happened a lot), noticing physical features of other women a lot (do I notice their boobs because I'm attracted to women or is it comparing in my head and being self conscious about how I stack up against them?). All the internalized stuff in my head feels really dumb and unhelpful. I am confused and it feels like there's no real tangible way for me to ever clear this up for myself. I think I'm going to be confused forever.
