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Question for all the older boys and girls out there?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by johndeere3020, Feb 1, 2019.

  1. Chestnutty

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    I completely understand this. In fact I am currently struggling with this. I know I can't change the past and who is to say I would have had the amazing time I fantasize about even if I had come out earlier? I guess I can see that living my authentic self is so nice that I can just imagine how much better my youth could have been.

    Has anyone actually gone through this and felt resolved? I hate feeling like I have missed out but also feel like I am too old to really enjoy some of the things I would like to have enjoyed. I just want to accept that it can't happen and move on... But how?

    Sorry for the rant! I just needed to say this to someone
     
  2. Nickw

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    What are some of the things you missed that you cannot do now?
     
  3. I'mStillStanding

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    I mean I’m kinda half to resolved. I think what’s holding me back is my environment. I’m stuck close to family and don’t get to get out much and explore myself. Sometime this year I’m going to move away come hail or high water.

    I’m 30, so I’m not young but I don’t think I missed anything I can’t or haven’t got to have. I mean I’m going to make someone take me to a formal dance lol so I have a gay prom lol there is that. I mean I’m older so I’ll make smarter choices for sure than if I’d been out partying and all when I was younger, and I’m happy about that.

    One thing my grandpa never did was grow up (and I don’t plan on doing that either lol). He loved playing practical jokes and having fun. He took care of his family and was very responsible but he also let down his guard and was a big kid and had a blast. A few years ago, all of us kids were to old to egg hunt and it was my favorite part of Easter but none of my siblings or cousins would do it. So I convinced them to let’s hide the eggs for our parents and grandparents to hunt. It was the best thing ever. They thought I was crazy when I suggested it, but after it they were making plans for the next years egg hunt. All of the “grown ups” laughed and ran (well two were on scooters lol) and tried to find the prize egg. The pictures are priceless. We got to do it three years before grandpa passed. The point of this story is we are never to told to enjoy the things we did as a kid or teen, we just have to get out of our own way and not take everything so seriously. It’s not gonna be the same... but that’s not a bad thing. We can have to best of both worlds act like kids but enjoy the things we couldn’t if we actually were.
     
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  4. Contented

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    I can’t re-live those glorious late teen years when sex was the main concern. How wonderful it would have been to share it with a boyfriend. Instead I guess I settled to pretend with a girlfriend. The sex was ok but with what i know now it would have awesome. To dance, to date to explore those young years with my boyfriend would have so so much better.
     
  5. Dionysios

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    As the saying goes, hindsight is always 20-20. As wonderful as these fantasies are, we cannot turn back the clock. Find happiness in the here and now.
     
  6. BMC77

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    Another thing worth keeping in mind: if the past had been somehow different the only guarantee is that it would have been different. There is no guarantee that it would necessarily be better. It could, perhaps, be worse than the past one actually had... Although this is easier to accept intellectually than emotionally--I "know" this, and yet I still mourn the ways things could have been different...
     
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  7. Dionysios

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    So, so true my friend!!!
     
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  8. BMC77

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    The other thing I've noted about myself and past regrets is that the less optimistic I am in the present, the more I have past regrets.

    I can't remember what regrets I might have had when I joined EC. But my sense is that I had a period about that time when I had some optimism in the future. (This may seem unbelievable to those reading this now, given how pessimistic I am.) And I'm thinking that I may have had regrets...but they were minor compared to now.

    Now, in 2019, I figure I'll die without ever having even a single date, let alone a relationship or sex. And so its easy to have regrets about "if only things had been different when I was young..."
     
  9. Poofter

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    My friend said it best. It’s harder to learn to ride a bike at 40 than it is at 10. It’s one of those things someone said to me that echos in my mind that keeps me trying.
     
  10. I'mStillStanding

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    @BMC77 I hate reading that you’re struggling so much. I know it’s hard, honestly. I remember as a kid in church I use to pray I’d get to have sex before the rapture lol (raised Pentecostal so we were always getting the hell, fire, and brimstone sermons). Well when I accepted I was gay I started joking saying I was gonna ask the people who kept saying they were praying for me (because I was going to hell for my “lifestyle choice”) could they also pray I got laid before that happened? Mom didn’t think it was funny! I’ve not had a relationship, but I’m going to for sure... hopefully... one day :slight_smile: can I ask what’s holding you back from doing these things?
     
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  11. Dionysios

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    Your post brought me much pain. You must feel very lonely indeed.

    My dear friend, please do not yoke your happiness to externals, be it money, places or people. True happiness and contentment does not come from outside but from within. There are plenty of people who have lots of dates, sex and relationships, but are quite miserable.

    If you want to be happy, you have to change your way of thinking. I recall having to go to a family reunion years ago. I knew that it would be a stressful affair, due to divorces, deaths, bickerings and outright feuding. Yet I said to myself, "I don't care what happens, I'm going to have a good time." And DESPITE all the drama and conflicts, I did! I read, sat in the sauna, walked on the beach, went shopping etc... I left rested and in good spirits without having much interaction.

    You need to do things which bring you joy and happiness. Don't get despondent and do nothing. That will bring you only continuing sadness and depression. Go hiking, read, watch movies, join clubs, travel etc.... Don't fret about the lack of relationships or sex. Perhaps, as you enjoy your life, you might meet someone. If so, you would then be in a better emotional state of mind which could only enhance the relationship.

    If you need to talk, feel free to message me or other folks here. I really hope you get into a happier place soon! *smile*
     
  12. brainwashed

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    Yes indeed. Miraculously I seem to be over that "phase". Now that I can think more clearly I attribute this hurt to a) anger and b) hurt which are 2 of 5 basic human psychological states - anger, fear, hurt, shame, joy.

    How did I get over this phase? I surrounded myself with gay friends, went to gay themed events, and sat down with close friends and talked things out. I also meditated and told myself I was a good gay person. I also went and did things I love to do. One day while setting up a camp, (I love to go camping) in 2018 a switch literally went off and the hurt was gone - I can put a date and time when this happened, yes it was that definitive. I felt my body decompress and lift up.

    Hang in there. Continue to work at it. You will get there.

    Post reflection. Oh and leave alcohol and drugs behind. They only delay / stall progress. I equate alcohol and drugs to hitting the "pause" button on a music player. Once the pause button is pressed no music is played. .
     
  13. BMC77

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    Well, I found it amusing, although I can imagine your mother didn't.
     
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  14. BMC77

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    Probably a long list of factors...

    But the one I really keep coming back to (and which I've often cited here): cash flow. Yes, money isn't everything...but I'm pretty much on survival level.

    One realistically needs money to date--even coffee shop dates run several dollars. As I said in some form here once, I'm not in a position to do the "normal" dinner/cultural event. Instead, it would be a frozen pizza, and watching a DVD checked out from the library. (And since that time, conditions have worsened...and so now the frozen pizza would be more likely to be a pot of lentils and rice...)

    Also worth noting: I think my situation would tend to discourage a lot of potential boyfriends. Especially if the guy is a Later in Life type who is recovering from a divorce from a woman, and who has lost 1/2--or more!--of everything.

    Even my ex-therapist (who thought I was too pessimistic on this topic) had to quietly admit that my finances were significant obstacle.

    My situation also pretty much rules out hookups. I do cringe a bit at the idea of hookups...but have thought from time to time that might be my only hope of having sex just once before they plant me in the skull orchard. But a hookup seems unlikely, even if I could stop cringing at the idea, since I don't have a phone that can run The Apps That Must Not Be Named--Or ELSE!!!!!!

    Unfortunately, finding ways of fixing the cash flow problem have been elusive.
    .
     
  15. Destin

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    This is one of the best examples I've seen in a while. It's so true. I hit the pause button a long time ago and always wondered why I never felt like I was growing up, which led to hitting the pause button more times out of frustration, compounding the problems even more.
     
    #35 Destin, Feb 7, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2019
  16. BMC77

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    I am, at least at times. The holiday season, for example, tends to brutal.

    And it's not just the lack of boyfriend, it's the lack of friends, period. Indeed, I went through a phase of actively trying to make friends...and it was a huge failure. I finally quit even trying. Yes, quitting reduces the chances to zero...but the battle was taking too much out of me... Every now and then, I look at options for trying again, and see none. Meetup groups, so heavily promoted here, aren't practical due to schedule, or a membership cost, or event cost.

    At least, I can find ways of entertaining myself... And it's not like this experience is new--I've struggled with making friends my whole life. So things like books became the friends I couldn't get in real life starting at a young age.
     
  17. Destin

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    If you're just looking for a bit of spending money for dates and stuff, your body and time can produce cash flow. I know a lot of broke college students who make like an extra $50 a week just by selling their blood/plasma and participating in paid research studies, taking surveys online for money etc.

    It's not the most pleasant option, but it is fairly easy.
     
    #37 Destin, Feb 7, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2019
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  18. I'mStillStanding

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    I understand how finances can be a huge deterrent! I definitely understand this... I’ve always put others first and that’s cause me to be in a situation where I’m not finically free to do what I want either. I’m not gonna say something stupid like it’ll get better, or anything because when people do that to me (and I’m feeling down) I want to [edited out due to violate context]!

    I normally tend to be overly optimistic and kinda believe in everything lol so I’ll put out all the good energy I can for both of us :slight_smile:
     
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  19. BMC77

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    Thanks!
     
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  20. Chestnutty

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    Technically there is nothing I can't do that I couldn't do when I was younger. I'm in my late 30s now, it's not too old but certainly not adolescent. I feel too mature emotionally and intellectually to do some of the things that I would have done in my 20s.