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Question about gender problem

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by HoldenCaulfield, May 12, 2022.

  1. HoldenCaulfield

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    In a nutshell, I'm 17, female, and have unneccessary problems lol. I have what's called gender dysphoria (pretty bad) but I'm not a transsexual and don't want to be because of my personal world view and political views etc. However, I do pretend I'm a boy with strangers because I sort of look like one and sometimes can make my voice sound kind of male. This causes a whole other set of problems but whatever.

    I feel like my refusal to "accept" I "am" a "boy" vs. my disgust with my body and inability to imagine myself as a woman can't coexist without resulting in raging self hatred and self destructive behaviour. I don't think I can get rid of either of the two feelings so what do I do? I don't even know how to live like that. I'm not liking life itself anymore and that needs to be fixed.



    Now more information on everything.

    What I think about transgender people: I could be considered transphobic and I’m terribly sorry. Per say, I have no problem with them and I guess everyone should live their life in a way that makes them happy. However, in my opinion, it's not simply a difference from other people like being gay. It only makes you suffer all the time and you don't get anything good out of it (feel free to disagree but I can't see much good about feeling so wrong you literally want to crawl out of your body and being on the verge of tears because you are being grouped with your biological sex or talked about in third person) so it qualifies, for me, as a mental illness. I don’t fight against people who say it’s not but it’s my opinion and it doesn’t make sense for me to change it. And the worst thing is, there's no real cure. There's treatment for the symptoms, by that I mean medically and surgically changing your body, but after that your body still isn't indistinguishable from a non-altered body of the opposite sex. So, even if you've done everything to become the oposite sex, you still aren't, because there are a few physical differences left and you can never be fully satisfied with yourself.

    Most people don't see trans people as their chosen gender if they know they're biologically not that sex. Including me, when I make myself think about it. I know there are many people out there that you wouldn't even suspect are transsexuals because they look so much like the sex they transitioned to. But if one of my friends suddenly said he was a girl now I would start pretending he was a girl if that made him happy, but I wouldn't necessarily think of him as one. I would think of him as that poor lad who wants to be a girl. And when I think about myself, and my own problem, I see myself as "that girl who wants to be a boy". Desperately wants to be, that is.

    Why I believe I have gender dysphoria: And my life story too, accidentally. When I was just a child and learned about the difference between male and female genitalia, I was absolutely convinced I was secretly a boy with a smaller-than-usual or not-yet-grown penis. I hadn't heard about intersex conditions yet but I somehow believed I had one, or that something was fundamentally wrong with my genitals, as they clearly didn't seem "female" to me (they 100% were healthy, female genitals) but also not quite typically male. I thought for a long time that the doctors at my birth had messed up so that my parents thought I was a girl and I was terrified so I didn't talk to anyone about this. What I did do, was stick socks etc. down my underwear as this felt somehow "right" to me as if I was "replacing something that's missing", until my mum caught me and told me to stop. I was about 4-6 years old, I don't remember.

    I've always tried to be as normal as possible and be a perfectly average child. I failed spectacularly, and not only, probably the least, in regard of the whole gender thing. I was kind of a smarter than average kid, learning to read and write when my peers could hardly even speak in full sentences, and this made me pretty lonely. I couldn't play the games I wanted with them because they didn't understand me on an intellectual basis and I was also hella socially awkward. I was scared of people and always assumed by default that I was doing something wrong if something went wrong. I had 2 close friends (one boy one girl) in nursery school that were closer friends with each other than with me. I wasn't bullied but I didn't really have fun there. I was always thinking about philosophical questions of life, felt like I was dreaming when I was awake, tried to avoid talking to people because I was terrified of doing something wrong or making them dislike me, or showed off my reading or storytelling skills but again, it sort of went over my mates' head.

    I just wanted to be liked and fit in, and by trying too hard, I made myself stand out, which I hated.

    For clarification, it wasn't my parents' fault. They didn't abuse me, of course they made mistakes and didn't always raise me perfectly, but I don't remember them ever beating me or anything like that. My mum was a bit...selfish and my parents' relationship got worse with time too, but she loved me to bits and did everything to protect me and make me happy. She tried too hard, too.

    So, I was extremely insecure all throughout primary school, overachieved at school (was considered the local smartest kid in my village), had one best friend (a girl) and a bunch of other friends (girls and boys) and spent most of my time reading books and escaping into fantasy worlds that were more interesting than my day to day life. I was so much into writing too. I'd write tons of first chapters. Never finished a book. I always related more to male book characters, played a boy in roleplay a lot of the time, but at the same time was giving up my childhood notion of "secretly being a boy and something's very very wrong with my genitals" I was kind of a tomboy, never got into typical “girl” things like clothing and make up, cried when my friends painted my nails when I was 10, and called my mum to pick me up every time they started playing make up games. Still, I think that wasn't really gender dysphoria. I was always jealous of boys because of how they were treated and their life was romanticised in these classic adventure books and felt especially competitive at sports to prove that I was "not like the girls". I ran around barefoot in summer, played football with my dad, became a bit of a troublemaker at school when I started being less of an awkward nerd... One weird thing I did was kind of "narrating" my own life, like while I was going down the stairs I'd think something along the lines of "she ran down the stairs" "she was getting ready for music lessons" etc.

    I never thought about my gender at that time, I just always felt slightly off and something wasn't right about myself but instead of thinking about what it might be, I distracted myself, etc.

    As I entered secondary school, my life became more difficult. My family life started falling apart and still is by the way (not my fault but still) and I felt increasingly out of place at school the older I got. I was extremely uncomfortable with the way my body was developing female sex characteristics but thought nothing of it because everyone around me assured me it was normal and healthy so at the same time, I was relieved at least in that aspect I was "normal". (Remember when I said all I wanted was to be normal? Yep) I also didn't fit in at all with the "girly" girls anymore, all they talked about was what I'd rather not even think about, like buying their first bras, ... In the changing room, I stared at the wall and changed at light speed, feeling more uncomfortable than ever in my life. However, I also didn't feel "worthy" of hanging out with the guys anymore because I was physically much weaker, and they didn't want a girl in their clique.

    So what I did was find the group of students that dedicated their lives to their future and studied hard and pursued "useful" hobbies, while I never had to study, spent my free time playing games and watching TV, still performing MUCH better at school than they did. So, I didn't really fit in with them either but also, I was kind of respected by them so we became friends. I got into music and shifted my entire focus on my hobbies.

    When I was about 15, I made it my mission to become a proper teenage girl. I wore dresses in summer, got make up (used it once and washed it off immediately after laughing at the ridiculous girl in the mirror), tried on my mum's clothes, bought a fashion magazine. That were all teenage girl things I could think of, and none of them made me feel less "wrong", instead I didn't really enjoy any of them, felt like I was designing a girl that had nothing to do with me, judging my appearance objectively, thinking of my mirror image as "she" instead of "I", etc. I was extremely jealous of boys, still. Their strong, growing bodies. Their way of interacting with each other. Their voices. I searched google on how women could get their voices to drop, found transsexual hormone therapy, recoiled from the screen in horror, closed all tabs - by no means would I want to be one of those people! But I did keep it at the back of my mind "for later".

    I felt like the good part of my life had ended when I got my first period, didn't even realise it was my period even though I knew everything about it. I thought I had some sort of internal bleedings and freaked out, later I wished it had been internal bleedings that could be fixed at the doctor's and weren't going to recur every month. It still feels unnatural to bleed from there and I still am shocked every time it starts. Like I wasn't expecting it. And since that first time I was looking forward to menopause because the side effects of birth control sounded horrifying.

    I signed up to random chat forums and pretended to be a boy there for literally no reason at all. I felt like I needed someone to believe I was a boy, thought it was for fun, whatever, felt terrible when I realised I wasn't telling the truth, and that, in fact I could never tell the truth while also saying I was a boy. I had several phases of that, starting, making lots of new friends who all thought I was a boy, regretted it all, cut off contact. Started the cycle over.

    At the same time I was beginning to develop my sexuality. Well, actually, I had started having kind of sexual thoughts at the age of 10-ish but I didn't recognise them as sexual (because some of the situations I'm attracted to don't involve typical sex you know) and also didn't recognise the "funny feeling" I got as “arousal”. However, in these sexual fantasies I used to make up then, "I" was always a boy. The first time I realised the "(by then pleasant) funny feeling" was sexual arousal, I was listening to some sexual song that had moaning in it or something like that. I was 14-15. One day I searched up porn on google and was SHOCKED when the results were actually porn, and so easily accessible. Yes I grew up sheltered. Anyways, I watched porn for the first time, masturbated for the first time (with a weird technique that doesn't involve me actually touching myself, that I use to this day) and started to do this more often, then daily, twice daily. In the beginning I watched normal porn and imagined myself as the man, which made me question my sexuality. Then I discovered gay porn and started almost exclusively watching that, while still questioning my secuality though, by the way I still think I'm kind of bisexual.

    After finishing I always felt empty, guilty and sad, because I wasn't really a man and couldn't in any way shape or form imaging myself having sex while being “in” my real body. I couldn't see myself in a relationship with anyone as a "girlfriend" or "wife". And ... google searched if there was a way to change your sex from female to male. Read everything I could find. Was boundlessly disappointed because science's ways are limited. Read through the symptoms of gender dysphoria. Related to almost every single one of them. I've been alarmed and confused for 1,5 years now. When I look in the mirror, I force myself not to see a random girl but myself, and if I do, I get so disgusted. I've tried alleviating my discomfort, by cutting my hair, wearing clothes that make my shape look more androgynous, working out like crazy, training my voice so that it sounds like a high-ish male voice, playing along with it when strangers "confuse" me for a boy, wearing binders and sticking socks down my boxer briefs from the mens section, just doing whatever I feel like without thinking about if it's normal for a girl or not.

    But it hasn't gotten much better. I've never liked "female" terms for myself and I had thought it was because they're unneccessary, why even is there a difference, etc, but now every time someone talks about me, and says "she", it feels uncomfortable to the point of ruining my day, every day, same thing for my real name. I've always used nicknames and disliked my real name, but it wasn't that BAD before. I'm still overachieving in school, have a bunch of hobbies I love, have a lot of friends that I love to spend time with (I changed schools and my new friends are easier to be friends with), but all the time I get reminded of this problem and it ruins all my days. I'm happily doing anything, hear my name, boom, I hate my life. Someone said "she", boom, I don't want to do anything now. Accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, boom, devastation. Heard myself talk, boom, got told I describe cars like a girl, boom, saw a boy who looks like what I'd like to look like (basically any boy I see), boom, got used as an example for a girl, boom, "she" again, boom boom boom, end of all light in this darkness. I’m dramatic I know.

    See what I mean? This is decidedly too much melodrama from my brain, decidedly too much overreacting, and this has only properly started AFTER I started looking into why I feel kind of wrong and would prefer to be a boy. Hell, my favourite "hobby" is literally drinking alcohol because it alleviates the mental pain a little, makes me think less, and more clearly, and have so much fun.

    Is this some twisted placebo effect? Are the childhood "signs" signs or am I making this up? I've thought I might be autistic, especially since I've already said I've always been exceptionally smart, was socially awkward as a 5 year old, but I don't meet many of the criteria except for a few and I don't think it's enough.

    The problem is, when I get drunk now (have sort of started last year and I get drunk often, it's a way to keep your thoughts to a manageable amount) I keep telling people stuff like "I'm actually a boy", "I'M NOT A f***ING SHEE (angrily)", "I'm a maaaan" oh even the occasional "We gotta talk. I'm a transsexual". They're not taking me seriously because I've told them not to. I have talked to my parents. They told me to focus on other stuff like school or my hobbies, to try religion, anything. It didn't work.

    I told my dad about everything and he says I’m just confused because I grew up without a feminine role model (my mum was quite the tomboy type and later I stopped interacting with her) and because my brain is young and likes to drown itself in self pity and I’m being dramatic. Also that this is an idea I’ve fixated on too much and I should shift my focus.

    He also said trans people look like their real gender naturally not just like “ a girl who cut her hair and wears boys clothes” like their build is naturally more androgynous. I don’t really have that like ok, I don’t look like the most feminine woman but if I don’t wear super baggy clothes, my shape really does look female.

    And I tried be a normal girl over the last few years. And wasn’t suicidal or anything.

    Now I agree with my dad but I was kind of disappointed because he didn’t take me seriously. I also feel awful about life in general now, I also don’t wanna be famous anymore (because I wanted to become a musician) because I can’t stand the thought of being famous while people know/think I’m a girl/woman.
    I’m fantasising about running away and trying to trick everyone into believing I’m a real biological boy.

    I know my mind is still developing because I’m not 25 yet. And every teenager has some problem they keep ruminating and being depressed over.

    So idk what to do except just kinda live with it and wait if it gets better? But it does suck.

    Recently I've watched the film "Boys don't cry", essentially about a girl who dresses up as a boy in the 90s, dates a bunch of girls, gets raped and killed for it. I watched it to scare myself away from that lifestyle but she was actually living my dream.

    I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I don't put any effort into school, I have no future plans because I could never imagine myself in the future as a woman, and now my ideas of the future are all me being a man and i can't change them no matter how unrealistic they are. Because they are not realistic. And don’t worry I’m still overachieving at school without even trying.

    Conclusion or final thoughts.

    Hope I didn't share too much information here, but I think it should be fine. The solution is actually easy. Given my views on the whole transsexual concept, given my lack of crippling agony throughout my childhood and maybe up to 16, given that society nowadays is accepting of gender non conforming and gay people, there shouldn't be an issue. I don't want to get a sex change and even if I thought that would help, I'm not even completely male brained. I describe cars like girls do (on one occasion I had forgotten what brand of car it was and said "it was blue"). I have some not-so-typically male interests, more than half of my friends are girls. So, the real question is, how do I stop suffering from this self-induced gender dysphoria and lead my life as a happy gender non conforming woman without thinking that I will never be abe to enjoy life and the only way out of my misery will be death?? (Don't worry, I don't want to die but life just isn't making itself look cool at the moment, you know?)

    How I've tried to cope (and failed):

    Distraction. I can't really choose what my brain decides to concentrate on. Sometimes it works but only for so long. In the end of the day I end up feeling shitty.

    Being a typical girl. I don't know how to, I feel like I'm roleplaying and cross dressing, I feel like I'm invading women's spaces, it's just not me I guess.

    Being a tomboy. I'm still very unhappy with my body, very unhappy with my name, pronouns, everything.

    The 3 Ws I used to swear by, workouts, wine and wanking - they fall under distraction, I think, also wine and drinking is unhealthy.



    Any ideas on what to do with the situation will be highly appreciated. Does it get better with time? So far it's only gotten worse. Can I, if I somehow suffer through adolenscence, enjoy life as a woman at some point? I can't even imagine that, the thought of being a woman makes me sick. If there was a way to fully change my sex, I'd do it without even a second thought. But this way... is there any way for me to be ok in ANY WAY?



    Sorry this is long as hell.
     
  2. Redbud123

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    Well, to me, your feelings seem strong enough that ignoring the issue isn't going to help.
    You need to try things, experiment, maybe put yourself in some uncomfortable situations to figure out how you feel about the whole thing. I mean, I've known some adventurous tomboys and masculine women. There's nothing wrong with that, but it sounds like you want something more.

    Basically, it's the sort of problem that you will feel bad about ignoring. At least if you try to do something and fail, you will know you tried. You won't be able to find closure until you've exhausted your options.

    Not that I'm suggesting HRT or anything so drastic right away. But you could try being male online again. Enter into it this time with the intent of telling people about your real gender eventually, once you can trust them with that, and make it clear you still want to be thought of and referred to as male. But that will ease your mind about the "lying" aspect of it.

    There's actually an online game I recommend that I play myself, it's called vrchat, you can get it for free on pc, and it's a social game where you can pick your own avatar and hang out and talk with people all over the world. if you want you can also look into using a voice changer or microphone equalizer program to lower the pitch of your voice. At first you'd be stuck looking around in public lobbies looking for people to hang out with and just ignore the annoying kids, but once you find a cool group you can spend time hanging out with them and trying out new pronouns and stuff as a trial run.
    Vrchat is a game that's very supportive of gender nonconforming people in general, and there are plenty of people who use avatars that don't match their gender. So people probably won't make that big a deal of you experimenting on there.

    I had gender questioning thoughts myself, and that game really helped me work through it, and I realized that even without transitioning, when I had a spot where people accepted me socially as the other gender, it helped make a lot of anxieties go away and helped me feel better about myself. So I'd recommend it if you're interested in that sort of thing.

    Also, don't feel frustrated if you don't find a good group of people right away to hang out with. Keep looking and trying and you'll find some cool people and it will be worth it.

    So that's my advice if you're interested. The worst thing you could do is to try and do nothing and hope the feelings will sort themselves out.
    They won't.
    This is something that you have to work though, unfortunately.
    I wish you the best and good luck with everything!
     
  3. HoldenCaulfield

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    Hi, thanks for your reply..

    Actually, I've done that, once, kind of. I didn't enter into it thinking I would eventually tell them. My dad had asked me why my online friends were calling me other names in pop up messages, and I said "oh, they think I'm a boy and all". He told me to tell them the truth and I was just before the point of giving these friendships up anyway, so I did. Several of them were upset and didn't want to be friends anymore. A few "didn't mind" but started treating me drastically differently after I'd told them. And the rest just straight up forgot or didn't believe me. They handled it the best lol. It kind of made me feel better to tell them but I also hated that I wasn't actually pranking them or testing reactions.

    Thanks for that suggestion, I guess I will try it... once i figure out if I can play it on my laptop or phone, or do I need extra devices? Because I haven't played video games on anything other than my phone and pc so far.

    I think my problem about telling people I'm actually a girl and then demanding they still go on pretending I'm a boy is that it won't really change how I think of myself. In my normal everyday life, I'm constantly reminded of being a girl by what the people say but also the way I sit sometimes so... problem. Now, when everyone thinks I'm a boy I'll forget I'm a girl myself until I'm painfully reminded (by umm, accidentally looking at my hands for example), BUT if I know they all know, I can't just look over that and forget I'm a girl again. Unless I'm drunk, that is, but that's not the way xD

    I will still try it out, maybe it won't matter as much to me as I think but probably the physical aspect will get even worse, as in "HoW dArE I make people pretend I'm a boy when I have *insert endless list of wrong body parts* and don't have *insert endless list of missing parts* "

    I mean I'm already hating on my appearance when no one's around but if people look at me and I'm not covered in a ton of shapeless clothing? The worst. Especially if they're friends etc.

    So i don't need to experiment but rather to find out if I'll be more comfortable with that all than I think now. Wait, that's kind of an experiment too.

    But thanks again for the game suggestion, i will defo give it a shot!
     
  4. Sunchimes

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    Hey there :slight_smile:

    Ok I’ve read all of your post and in a nutshell to me you’re trans. You don’t have to transition to the opposite gender to be trans either. You’re screaming to be male! Whether that means you’re a non transitioning FTM or a non binary I don’t know. I don’t normally suggest therapy but a gender therapist would help you out on this.

    We have a lot of similarities in how we were when we were younger (a child growing up) and how we interacted with boys until puberty kicked in etc etc etc. I played all the male roles in our acting games and I have always known I was different.

    Personally I wouldn’t want to transition and even though there are aspects of my body I would love to change, I would only ever have surgery if it was a matter of life or death. But I’ve learned over the years to live in my female body and accept it. Everyone is different. There are aspects of male body that I wouldn’t want either. Non binary fits me best. I’m seen as a masculine woman and that’s fine. If I could flip a switch and choose the guy I’d like to look like I would love to do it.

    But yes, you’re definitely trans. It’s not something that you just decide, it’s in you from the day you’re born. You can’t make it go away (well I couldn’t) and there’s nothing wrong with it. As I said before, not every transperson transitions.
     
  5. Hats

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    Hi :slight_smile:

    I think you've actually nailed it, right here: you hate yourself because you don't believe that who you are is acceptable or valid. That's simply not true! It's also not true that there is nothing positive about being trans. Yeah, dysphoria really sucks, and the marginalisation that trans people face is truly horrible, but the trans community itself, at least in my experience, is a wonderfully supportive and beautiful thing.

    If you like books, I can highly recommend the Cute Mutants series by S.J. Whitby. Think 17-year-old superheroes, set in modern day New Zealand but with characters who are nonbinary, genderfluid, trans men, asexual, bisexual, lesbian, gay, and pansexual, written by a nonbinary author. They are excellent and seeing a group of friends where several of them are trans and where how being gender diverse impacts on how we see ourselves and our relationships with other people is explored in a way which feels real made it so much easier for me to start accepting myself.

    Other than that...

    Don't drink as a coping mechanism. I know you're having a really hard time at the moment, and that's understandable, but it's really not worth it in the long run. Alcohol and drug addictions are extremely difficult to beat once you have them and they can really mess up your life.

    Are there any LGBT groups near you which you could attend?
     
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  6. HoldenCaulfield

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    Hello guys, so I guess I can't really just make it go away at will then... but there must be more than one way to "cure" it.

    One question, how exactly did you manage to accept living in your body? Because most days, I just either feel like crawling out of my skin, quite literally, or I distract myself hard enough but that never works for long. I'm also quite averse to the idea of having surgery or having to see a doctor in general, I haven't gone to any doctor in years, not even to the dentist, because it just makes me uncomfortable.
    I would jump at the opportunity to have the body that I wish for, I'd happily undergo any pain or treatment that would be neccessary. But that's just not realistic and even though I'd do pretty much anything for it, I know there's no way I'm going to look "right" in my eyes. So it's not like I'm going to go and have myself cut up and put together for just a small step in the right direction. That wouldn't work for me.
    Or maybe it would. I don't even know anything at this point. Maybe it is a life and death thing. But I haven't made up my mind. If there's any way I can prevent all the transitioning and all the unpleasant procedures and even telling people, I'm going to choose that way.
    Hence my question. How did you learn to be ok with your body?

    I guess I will have a look at it, I'm not that much into this type of books about teenagers saving the world but I will read some reviews and maybe read the book, if you say it helps... It's also not exactly realistic that ALL of them are LGBT, is it? For example, I won't be able to apply much of this to my life because I hardly know a handful gay people, and I've heard of a friend of a friend who knows someone who's trans but that's all. But it's not meant to be realistic I guess, so I won't criticise it before I've read it.

    I've just looked it up, and there's this pretty extensive queer community in my city which also does youth group meetings and a lot of events etc.

    But I don't know if I would like it there... Their website is so in-your-face, anyone who's only slightly homophobic would be 10 times more homophobic after scrolling through it, and I have so many objections.

    For starters, what if I know someone there? What if I meet a classmate, that would be super awkward.
    Also, I don't really like going to places alone if I know I'm going to be uncomfortable. For example, I have less of a problem going to the bar than going to the dentist. And going to an LGBT group meeting or event would make me extremely uncomfortable. It's so ... confronting. Also, I wouldn't know what I'm supposed to say, if I'm supposed to say something, they would assume stuff about me, they all have the exact same political opinion and I will feel weirdly out of place if I'm not "like them"...

    Like, I'm one of those people who are NOT PROUD AT ALL about being different from most others. And the people at this centre probably even think they're better than others. And I do get shy in situations like this. Probably I wouldn't even dare going, what if I see these people out in public and they say hi to me, and I'm with friends who ask me where I know them from?

    Also, I wouldn't take a friend with me, I'm too embarrassed to do that.

    So... I think the downsides outweigh the upsides by far in this case, it's too stressful for me.
     
  7. Rayland

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    You know, it was really hard for me to accept that I'm not actually female, but male. I kept denying it all ever since kindergarten and it only got worse. It is all very stressful. The way I try to be okay for now is just by changing my looks to the way it's more comfortable, like for example: cutting my hair short, wearing baggy clothes, that would hide any curves, compressing my chest area, using male products and so on. It's nothing major, but these small steps help me to feel better about myself and feel less dysphoric. This is how I'm coping.
     
  8. Sunchimes

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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This isn’t the same for everyone, but this is just my story and I hope it might help.

    For as long as I could remember I was behaving more masculine. But it really affected me when puberty began. I hated the changes in my body. I suddenly couldn’t hang around with the boys any more, I felt odd around the girls, so I sank everything into my music. I was studying classical piano at the time so I averted all my thoughts into that.

    When I left school I simply focused on my first job. I was really busy. Every time I had thoughts about my body I’d shove it away. I had no information about being trans back then. No internet, no support groups, absolutely nothing. I simply just got on with life and did what all my friends were doing at the time. I got married and had a family.

    I used to wear tight sports bras to flatten my chest (absolutely not recommended as I now have chronic costochondritis) and I just hated everything female about myself.

    It was only in my late thirties when everything smacked me in the face good and proper regarding my gender and sexuality. I focused more and more on my body and at one time identified as non transitioning FTM. I had a lot of soul searching to do. The more I thought about actually transitioning, putting my body through major surgeries, taking hormones etc etc the more I shuddered. I thought about the health problems I have and how surgeries would be dangerous for me. My mindset was more on the safety aspect of it all. I then changed my thought pattern to the positive side of just staying as I am and the negative side if I actually did successfully transition. I reminded myself as I was getting older that I have an ageing body with health issues and I’d rather transition into a young, healthy body! But I can’t do that either. I put my mindset in a place of how many old folk would love to be young but they have to accept their bodies. How many people would love a slim and handsome body but don’t have those attributes and have to accept the body they’re in. So I have to accept everything I don’t like about my body. Illness, ageing and also femininity.

    I learned meditation many years ago to help me cope with chronic pain and debilitating conditions. Having to cope with a body that has female parts is an absolute doddle in comparison to having to deal with the medical issues I have.

    I’m a spiritual person and believe we’re all on a journey. Each of our journeys are different. I understand that for some, it’s an absolute necessity to transition to the opposite gender but for me, I believe it’s part of my journey to remain female bodied for many reasons.

    I express masculinity through clothing, scent, the way I think, and I enjoy the aspects of my female role where I’m a mum, I’m a sister, etc etc it doesn’t bother me. Identifying as a non binary works just fine for me. Besides, if I transitioned to male, the thoughts of developing a receding hairline and growing facial hair mortifies me.

    Perhaps I am truly non binary and this is why I accept the body I am in. I do get dysphoria. Im still waiting for my hideous periods to stop. I’d get rid of my breasts tomorrow if I could. But most of all for me, I hate my illnesses more and I absolutely loathe ageing and I can’t change that so I deal with it. Acceptance is the key for me.

    I guess my perspective is different because my health and getting older are far more annoying and troublesome than being in a female body.
     
    #8 Sunchimes, May 19, 2022
    Last edited: May 19, 2022
    Rayland likes this.
  9. BradThePug

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    6,573
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    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    For a long time I tried to dance around the fact that I identify as (mostly) male. I tried to say I was bi, or a lesbian or other identities and none of them really fit with how I felt. I think that at some point we have all been in the stage where we want to deny how we are feeling. When it comes to managing feelings of dysphoria, that is different from person to person. Some transgender people choose to not transition physically or socially and that does not make their feelings any leas valid. You just have to work on finding what makes you make the most comfortable in your body. You talk about the group in your community. You may be able to contact somebody individually and speak with them if you are not comfortable with a group meeting. They also will likely have a list of LGBT friendly medical providers, which can be a major help if you are interested in talking with a therapist about how you are feeling. I'm a person that tends to stay to myself, I work in a field where it is all males (residential treatment) and the people that know about me being trans are the people that need to know that information. Not everybody is super out about their gender and that is ok. The people that tend to be noticed are the people that are more open about their gender since they are open about it. Others have mentioned to try to find a healthier way of coping. It can be hard to do that, but you do not want to become addicted to alcohol, as that will create more problems in the long run for you. Accepting my body took a bit. I found that I did not experience a lot of bottom dysphoria, but I did experience a lot of top dysphoria. I was able to relieve a lot of this by binding. If you do chose to try this, please research it before you do so. If done incorrectly it can lead to a lot of health issues.
     
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  10. Jinkies

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2011
    Messages:
    2,321
    Likes Received:
    47
    Location:
    Northern Ireland
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm going to start this with what I normally tell other trans folks: This is a process that takes time. Time is your best teacher in it. Notice what it's telling you.

    The overall issue I'm seeing with the OP (besides underage drinking - I highly, highly recommend you quit as soon as you can. That is a very fleeting band-aid that only gets worse if you ignore the reasons why) is that you are trying to be what is deemed as "normal". I'll tell you right here and now that you're not "normal", and no amount of "trying to fix it" is going to change that, because there's really nothing to be fixed. You're not broken because your internal sense of gender differs wildly from what it "should" be. Are you transgender? I can't say. That's really something you have to answer. I know personally that acceptance in yourself is a tough thing, and it's more easily said than done. But it is a process that takes time. The monkey dude from Bojack Horseman said it very well - It gets easier. You gotta do it every day, that's the hard bit. But it does get easier.

    Stop trying to be "normal" because that rabbit hole has more inconsistencies than a bootleg Godzilla film.

    The people that matter will love you regardless. Have faith in them, and have faith in yourself. You'll be surprised how many people really want to see you happy and healthy rather than "normal". Time has taught me that.
     
    #10 Jinkies, May 23, 2022
    Last edited: May 23, 2022
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