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Queer parents of transgender kids?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Althidon, Jul 12, 2016.

  1. Althidon

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    I'm curious if there's anyone else here in the same boat as me/my wife, being a member of the LGBT/queer community and raising a transgender child.

    We're both trans* and pansexual, and our daughter (biological child of both of us) is also trans*. She came out at age 5 1/2 and has been more sure of that than anything else in her life. But I did worry that our influence might have affected her.

    Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
     
  2. Wolfwing

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    I honestly don't know. Though I'd say that your kid is too young to decide their gender identity because at 5 years old, kids don't know much. So, I'd recommend waiting to see if they change their mind and if they don't by the time they go through puberty, then I'd recommend you have them see a gender therapist. Simply because age 5 is too young for you or a professional to accurately figure out your gender identity. So, this may seem like a long time, but it's probably for the best because if someone went through a transition very early in their life and then figured out they weren't trans later on in their life, odds are it won't end well.
     
  3. Invidia

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    Wolfwing, I actually have to disagree entirely here. It is fully possible for children as young as five to know their gender identity when they are trans. It happens a lot.

    OP, I'm sure you mostly know what to do - let her live her life. If later on she says that she's cis, well, that's her choice (though I think it's pretty unlikely that will happen).
    It is possible, I think, that she might have been influenced by you. But again, I think it more likely that she is not influenced by you (at least environmentally - is she your biological child?)
    How is it with name and so? Does she go by a feminine name and pronouns now? Does she want to?
    Also, around the onset of puberty (9-14 y.o.), if she is still consistently identifying as female, that might be a good time to discuss HRT if you haven't already then.

    Best of luck
     
  4. Althidon

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    She is living entirely as a girl at this point. She's even going to Girl Scout camp this summer. She is very, very opposed to the idea that she might ever "be a boy" again - she cried when her report card showed up with her birth name. She begs us to take her to the doctor and take her penis off. She fought with me when I tried to explain that while she can be a mommy, it's unlikely she will be able to grow a baby in her tummy.

    She's our biological kid, which means she has two transsexual parents and is herself transsexual. It seems more than a coincidence to me.
     
  5. Invidia

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    That's what I was thinking as well - that it might be a genetic thing.

    She seems very sure of herself.

    Hmm, about her request there... I suppose you could inform her about the possibility of SRS. However, if she hears that now but cannot get it until later, the wait might be painful for her.
     
  6. AmyBee

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    I think for any kid in any circumstance to have accepting and unconditionally loving parents is the ideal and this is so wonderful to hear!

    Anyway, yeah, I have to wonder if there's something genetic. I've read about birth order affecting sexuality, for example. I think biology controls destiny a LOT more than we've even realized. I mean, I love the idea of "free will" and all that but I'm not so sure nature favors it as much as we with self-awareness do. There's a chance it's ALL chemistry.
     
    #6 AmyBee, Jul 18, 2016
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  7. iiimee

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    I mostly agree with this, except I'd recommend that once they're near the age they'll start developing, you should maybe put them on blockers if they still say that.
     
  8. Reggie

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    From what I've read--and if it's on the internet, it must be true!!--there appears to be both genetic and environmental influences. In this case, environmental is the mother's womb and hormone levels, which in turn might have genetic influences, as well.

    http://press.endocrine.org/doi/full/10.1210/jc.2009-0345

    This article is 7 years old, but it echos what I've seen in other sources, too. Under 16, kids can have hormone blockers. Over 16, kids can have hormone supplements.

    I've seen some other studies (but didn't save them) that indicate transgender kids that start hormone blockers before puberty have smoother transitions. I didn't pay much attention to those, because that's not applicable to my situation.
     
  9. Althidon

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    I felt much the same way until a few years ago. Spend some time with transkids and they might just change your mind. Trust me, these kids know their own identity. We're talking about kids who at the ages of 2 and 3 told their parents "no, I'm a boy!(girl!), you're wrong!" My own daughter could barely speak at the age of 3 1/2 (autism spectrum disorder) - and she found the language to ask for a dress and then tell us she liked it better than "icky" boy's clothes. Forcing her to wait until she's a teenager to transition would be borderline abusive.

    But all of this is getting way off my original question about other queer parents, to which I guess the answer is no.
     
  10. DRex

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    There is one problem with the idea that it's hormone levels in utero or even genetics though. I have encountered or heard of a few sets of twins where one was trans and the other was cis, two of them being identical twins. Being twins, these pairs were all exposed to the same hormone levels, and some of them even shared identical genetic codes. As of yet, I haven't heard of a single case in which a set of twins, identical or fraternal, were both trans.

    Before anyone asks, though, no I do not buy into the idea that it is a choice either or that being trans is somehow wrong; I am simply saying that the given explanations do not explain all the data
     
    #10 DRex, Jul 20, 2016
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  11. HappyGirlLucky

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    I am not in your situation but I think the most pertinent question to ask is: did she know you were trans before she came out to you? If she didn't, I don't see how you could have influenced her in any way. If she did, perhaps you did influence her, it is impossible to tell, but she seems to be pretty sure about who she is and not like she is just copying her parents.

    This is probably a very rare thing, that both parents are trans and have a biological child, so information must be very difficult to find. However, we do have studies on gay parents and their children and it has been shown that children's gender identity and sexual orientation is not influenced by having gay parents. So there is that at least. You can read more about that here (start on page 11).
     
  12. Gravity

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    To bring the thread back to the initial question -

    I think that, like with many things, the answer might be a bit of both yes and no. As people have mentioned, and as numerous studies and peoples' experiences have suggested, being LGBT does tend to run in families. Not always reliably, but statistically, if one child is gay, for example, it's more likely that other children will have some degree of same-sex attraction as well. Of course, even if it is the case that it's genetic, that doesn't make it a bad thing. People who are blond(e) get together and have blond/e babies - nothing wrong with that. Being LGBT isn't a defect, so there's no reason to worry about passing it on genetically. :slight_smile:

    On the other hand, and this sort of goes with the last point, it's often said that straight people have been having gay children since the beginning of time. To quote the oft-repeated phrase, it's not a choice. So if you're asking whether there's something that you, as parents, could have done that would have changed things, once your child was born, my thought is probably not.

    One thing you might be experiencing though, that is probably genuinely new for you, is that now it's not just you facing up to potential and actual discrimination - it's your child, and that's a whole different situation. It's entirely possible to accept a child when they come out, but also be afraid for what might happen to them for being different. In fact I suspect that that happens a lot, even a majority of the time. But if they have a supportive and affirming home and family, that's way more than half the battle already won. :slight_smile:
     
  13. driedroses

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    I'm sure you and your wife know you can't "make" a person transgender - any more than you can "make" a person cisgender, but I completely understand the questioning. I have a trans daughter who only came out at 17, about a month after her dad came out as gay. I never "came out" to my kids before that, but I've never hidden my bisexuality from them either - I was married to their dad, so it wasn't a big deal.

    And then my kid told us her name - Molly - which was a nickname I called her when she was tiny. So many people told me I couldn't call "him" that because it would cause gender confusion. Talk about guilt - did I do this to my kid? Is it because dad is gay and mom is bi? Is it because I planted those seeds early on? Maybe because we didn't enforce gender stereotypes?

    It just doesn't work that way. Insistent, persistent, consistent. Those are the signs. Sounds like she's there. Especially if she's communicating this so strongly when she struggles to communicate. You all are doing exactly what you need to do supporting her and she'll (and you'll) be better for it.
     
  14. looking for me

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    in regard to you question of influence; I would guess, based on your answers in this thread, that your influence is that she can be open about her gender and sexuality etc. as opposed to other families that bury or ignore such kids and their real identities causing much harm.
    as to the age thing, kids as young as 3 have self identified and grown to be healthy productive adults of their authentic gender.
     
  15. me1994

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    why theres no Gay transgender? i dont understand why they are all bi and straight trans pff...
     
  16. Althidon

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    No, my daughter didn't know we were trans. She knew that she had a penis but neither of her parents did - she came to her own conclusion that children had penises and adults didn't. I guess they fall off at puberty? :lol:

    It does seem to be very uncommon, for trans couples to meet and have their own kids. I think it's going to become even less common as time passes, because people are having an easier time getting hormones/surgery and because many trans kids are able to come out and transition before puberty even hits.


    Oh, man, that's hard, to have your kid bring you something from early on and make you think it's your influence. But I bet a cisgender boy wouldn't have accepted a girl's name as a nickname the way your daughter did. She probably loved the nickname, right? :icon_wink

    There are plenty of gay trans people. I have no idea what my daughter's sexuality will be, though. She's 7. It's not something I'm very concerned about as of yet.
     
  17. thepandaboss

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    Ahem.