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Quarantine and Disforia

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AliceSlick, Nov 1, 2020.

  1. AliceSlick

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2019
    Messages:
    9
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    Location:
    Atlanta
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I can never remember how to spell that, so there's at least a 50/50 chance I got it wrong, but you get the point.
    Fair warning: this gets pretty dark, so if you don't feel like you can handle that at the moment, there's no shame in self care. Also, if the moderators feel that I have gotten too dark or anything, and would like to move the theread or confine it to PMs or something I understand.

    I assume I can't be the only one whose had to put their transition on hold for the duration of the COVID crisis. I'm lucky that I was already on a stable HRT regimen and can stay on that pretty easily (other than having to go get blood work done to keep my data up to date) but I'm having mounting disforia around the idea that "progress" as opposed to maintaining the status quo vis a vis hormones, is pretty much out of the question for however much longer this crisis lasts. I am at least going to try and schedule some kind of teleconsult with a surgeon, if possible, once I have recent blood work to show, and that may at least help me get on a waiting list or something. And my GP thinks that we might be able to restart my hair removal soon, at least on areas other than the face, but the disforia has mounted to a point where it's hard to take solace in any of that, even though I know logically that I should. I'm not a suicide risk. I've been down this road often enough to judge that at least, but the pain is so intense and all consuming that it's becoming steadily more difficult to even think about anything else. I have a lot of experience and strategies for managing my emotions, but something this visceral and this persistent is a lot tougher to deal with. I do have a therapy appointment on Monday morning, so I only have 1 more day to get through, but at this point I'm having trouble not just breaking into tears every five minutes, so another 24 hours suddenly seems more daunting.


    running through a list of my "biggest guns" so to speak, when it comes to coping strategies: Music only seems to intensify my emotional sensitivity, which may briefly provide clarity, but ends up just heightening the pain in the long run, petting the cat only seems to work as a distraction for a few seconds before it becomes automatic and I revert to my old thoughts, The pain is too visceral and overwhelming for me to channel it into writing a poem right now, and stimulating lust, which is often my last ditch "fight fire with fire" option, only exacerbates the issue by drawing my attention to my male organs, which are the source of the problem in the first place.

    I think I can finally get some sleep now, but if the pattern of the last few days holds, I may be back in a similar state at some point tomorrow, which is why I still thought it worth posting this, rather than just assuming that sleep will "knit the worn sleeve of care" sufficiently.

    'I appreciate any advice that people can give,
    Thanks,
    Alice