I don't know why but for reason I keep getting into arguments with my (few) friends. It's usually something I feel like I have more knowledge in than they do, and I have to win the argument or I don't feel satisfied. I feel dumb if I don't win. Half of it is me being an asshole, most of it probably. I've been doing it off and on since I was like 15, I'm 20 now, and originally I did because I didn't want to be friends with them anymore but I didn't want to just say it. I guess I thought it would better to end on bad terms. They wouldn't talk to me at all then and I feel less guilty about not being friends with them anymore. I'm honestly not even 100% sure why I do it anymore. Something's wrong, but I don't know what. I possibly(probably) have anxiety or depression, or both. Probably both.
That sort of behavior generally comes from a combination of internalized insecurity and shame. Basically, you act out because at a deep level, you need to constantly convince yourself that you're worthy, and that self is fighting with the self that says you don't deserve the friends you have, and that you aren't smart, and all sorts of other ridiculous and untrue messages that come from the unconscious. Having the self-awareness that you're doing it is half the battle. The next part is spending the time to really work on yourself to understand it and begin to work thorugh it. Have you watched Brené Brown's three TED talks yet? (Power of Vulnerability, Price of Invulnerability, Listening to Shame)? Those are a good place to start. As for the anxiety and depression, if that's a concern, I'd suggest getting evaluated by a psychologist to see if you do have those, and if so, discuss what appropriate treatment options there are. One of the very best things you can do in the short term, which sounds deceptively simple, but works a large percentage of the time, is to just spend about 10-15 minutes walking, outside, every day. This has a combination of physiological and psychological benefits that can help with both of those conditions.
I figured it was that. I do have a lot insecurities for whatever reason. I know most of the negative stuff I think about myself isn't true. That doesn't stop me thinking they are though.
